13 June, 2011

Breaking Old Habits

On my to-fix list (aside from all the stuff in our house that is broken):
1) I need to learn to allow myself my judgements, but keep them more private, and learn that just because people are similar to the people who put me down, hurt me, and lied to me, doesn't mean they are the same people. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I am so incredibly afraid of people, even now, years after middle and high school when I was lied about and put down and bullied, and years after I left behind the people who were really screwing with my life.
I have good people in my life now, but new people are always a struggle, and I have a lot of trouble trusting. Part of the reason why I am always so honest (to a fault) about my feelings and thoughts is because I am worried someone will eventually find out what I keep secret, and use it against me or decide they hate me because of that. I'm afraid if I keep secrets, they'll haunt me, and they'll ruin my life, because secrets never stay secrets.
I have recently said and done some things I'm kind of ashamed of - in spite of the happy things in my life, there is a piece of me that is angry all the time, and it bursts out of me and makes me a person I don't want to be. I'm doing the things I'm supposed to in order to deal with it, but sometimes, I just can't help but let it out. It hurts me than the people I'm angry at, and puts everything that I care about at risk.
(Note: I'm not doing anything illegal.)
2) I need to get better at caring about what I think. About everything. I have a tendency to tell myself that how I feel or what I think doesn't matter. If I feel pretty when I wake up in the morning, by the middle of the day I've convinced myself that I was wrong, in order to make sure I'm not disappointed if it's not true. If I think I did a good job on a homework assignment or work task, before I can even tell someone about it to share my excitement, I start devolving into telling myself how unimportant it is or how I am going to fail because I just lied to myself about it being good.
This past Friday, I had a GREAT achievement that I was so incredibly excited about, and I still am, but there is a part of me trying to convince myself that I am going to ruin it, and that I didn't deserve it.
It is so damaging. I don't know how to trust my own feelings about myself, and I care so much about other people accepting me that I can't accept myself without their approval. I am so afraid to fail that I am pretty sure I'm causing myself to fail at things that are important to me.
3) I need to treat myself better. My body is not just unfit right now. It's breaking down because I am not making the best choices with my diet or exercise, and because I'm not allowing myself to destress and I don't do things I want to try to be better because I'm scared. My mind is scattered because I stopped doing the things that I should be doing. I don't read enough, I don't sleep enough, and I don't say "no" when I should. In my desperate attempt to be liked, to be available, I've filled my schedule too much, and I end up hating the idea of socializing, even though I have fun when I do.
I need to make some changes. My life is constantly in upheaval, changing and never staying the same, and I have to change how I deal with change, and learn to make stability happen when I need it.
One more step to happiness, to courage, to strength. I'll get there.

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