10 August, 2010

Stand By Me

Do you know who your friends are?

Let me clarify:
Do you know who the people you can trust and rely on, and who trust and rely on you, who will be there when you need them and even when you don't need them, who you can call when you are sad or happy and in either situation, they'll be there?

Do you know who your best friends are?

The only true friends are best friends. A best friend is a person who you can tell secrets without being afraid that someday, they'll use them against you. A best friend is a person who tells you the truth, even if you don't want to hear it. A best friend is a person who can tell you secrets, who trusts you enough to tell you what they think and feel. 

A friend is someone who doesn't override your company for other people. They include you in invitations to get together - they don't exclude you because you're not some part of a clique. They don't exclude you because one of their other friends doesn't like you - they'll ask you if you would want to come and warn you that the other person is there, and allow you to make the call.

Everyone has a different idea of what a best friend is. I don't know if anyone has ever, or will ever, consider me their best friend. The problem is, "best friend"ship is a two-way thing. If one person doesn't consider the other person their best friend, then it's not a best friendship. I may trust someone wholeheartedly and want to be there for them all the time, but if they don't consider me a good enough friend to trust and be there for or to be there for them, then I am not their best friend, and they can't be mine.

I'm beginning to wonder if best friends really exist outside of movies. TGW is my best friend, but he's also my husband, which I'm guessing makes it not count in most peoples' books. 

How do you define "best friend"? What about "friend"? Or is everyone just kind of there, floating in a sea of "acquaintance"?


  1. I recently thought if friends/best friends really existed beyond moves and TV shows.

  2. They do exist outside of movies and TV shows. I know that for a fact. Another part of being a best friend is staying true to that when you're many miles away.

    I don't see why your husband can't count as a best friend. It would seem kind of silly to not count them. They clearly meet your definition.

    As for finding a best friend or moving from friend to best friend, I think the largest factor is time. You will never wholeheartedly trust someone right off the bat. Maybe this is only true of me, but I slowly amp up the trust. Let people know things little by little and if they can keep my trust through the beginning and continue it as I share the little pieces of me then they become my best friend. (That sentence is a terrible run-on and I apologize).

    Most of the world we have is a "sea of acquaintance." But, I think that its better that way. It means when we do have good friends and best friends we appreciate them that much more.

    Just my thoughts. :)

  3. @Tracey I believe that you can still be best friends regardless of the miles between, but I often feel like I am in relationships one-sided. I found recently that no matter how much I trust someone, how much I think they are my best friend, it falls apart when I find out that they don't consider me the same. I feel less trusted, and somewhat betrayed, as though I am not worth as much to them as I let them be to me.

    I just don't believe I've had many true best friends, if any at all. A lot of people say you can only have one or, if you're super lucky, two throughout your life, and I think it's unfair to say that, but I worry that it's true and I've already used up my best-friend spots with TGW and my sister. The problem is, I trust people easily because I have so few secrets, and I don't hide who I am or how I feel about things. People rarely abuse it, but it hurts more when they seem to believe that I'm not someone to trust.

    I guess it comes to equal exchange. I want to get what I give in relationships. I don't believe in giving my all to other people and getting nothing back. If that ends up being the situation, I'm perfectly willing to not be friends anymore. The only real problem with that is that other people think that it's cruel and cold.

    @Colleen Do you consider yourself to have friends?

  4. I think I have friends. I have lowered my standards of "friends" and feel it's OK that I'm the one that does all the planning with most of them or I'll never see them. On TV people hang out and do all kinds of stuff together and I feel like that doesn't happen in real life. I can't think of a single instance or show to bring up right now and I have no idea why. I watch a lot of TV so examples should be jumping out at me.

    I do remember growing up and watching Now and Then and thinking how that was crazy how they all hung out and did stuff together and there was a group and wishing that could have been my friends in real life. Or on Gossip Girl I mean 90210 but both work all those shows about high school kids, they were all so close and just talk about anything and share things and also just randomly hang out and randomly visit each other. Crazy talk is what I think... yet I love it and can't stop watching those shows.

    Then I think how I'm busy and if I keep busy with things, then I don't notice the lack of doing things with people. But also lately i haven't been keeping busy, work has been keeping me insanely busy and I wished I had some down time. (I'm on my work computer right now but saw the gmail email with the comment.)

    All growing up I thought if I had a friend that could take 1 friend somewhere, that friend would never be me. But if that friend could take 3-5 friends somewhere, then I would be included in some of the situations.

  5. I should plan more with you. I just know you're busy all the time with work, and I know that it is priority. I've been waiting to see your schedule calm down a little. We also haven't hung out much except for group things, shopping, and walking, so I don't know what else to plan. A lot of the time I just like to like... hang around. I don't know. Watch movies. Play games. Stuff like that. (It doesn't help that Dave will never come out or over.)

    Haha, I don't think anything is like 90210 or Gossip Girl or anything. I don't know if I could handle that drama, though!

  6. I like to hang out and do what other people think is the equivalent of nothing. those are my favorite times.

    Most of June and most of July were consumed this summer. Then work has really pulled a number on me more recently. I had to change the maximum scale on my graphs for emails in my inbox and unread emails that's how bad it's been. I have had to change the scale a few times.

    It seemed like the few times I had free time, it was when you had class or something else going on. :(

  7. Yeah, schedules are a big problem, unfortunately. :( I will e-mail you about hanging out. :)