Yeah, I know. TL;DR. I don't blame ya.
Does anyone else care what other people think?
I get that.
But for me, there is a difference between being objectified in the standard definition (all women are objects, they have no personality, etc.) and being objectified as if I were some sort of fetish. Me, just me, not all women, not everyone. The objectification that's minute, classified only as "You are so hot, I want to treat you like an object, even though I know you're not one", that only good guys can do.
TGW is the only guy (or girl) I've ever met that looks at me like that - not with love in his eyes, not just sex, but that "I want to tear you apart like a bloody steak" look. Great googly, I love it. It makes me feel like the things I think about myself in secret are really true. When I pretend in my head that I'm this sexy, mind-blowing ruler of the bedroom, and pretend that all of TGW's guy friends are jealous that he has me and that I'm prettier than everyone else, I feel good.
But then I go out into the real world, and no one looks at me like I'm even anything. I don't even get anything than polite glances. That "I must acknowledge that you are a human being, but nothing more" kind of thing. It's even worse with people who are "attached" because there's this preconceived notion that once you are in any type of relationship, all interest in and attraction to other people must cease. Thankfully, TGW and I don't subscribe to that unrealistic bullshit. I think all that does is cause more problems in the relationship, and it reeks of a lack of trust, but maybe that's just me.
I also think that sometimes, other people thinking I'm attractive makes him feel validated in thinking I'm sexy. He doesn't need it, not even in the slightest (he could care less about other people). I think it helps though.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I am happy with having TGW, and I love it when he looks at me the way he does, and I can try to be pleased with how I look all I want and what he says matters most. However, the fact of the matter is that other people's opinions do matter. Pretty people are much more likely to get what they want. Pretty people generally do better in life. Pretty people are just generally in a better situation.
I just want to feel like other people think I'm pretty. I don't care if it's just guttural objectification, so long as it's about me and not "omg T&A all over that" crap. If a dude thinks I'm hot because I have a good body, I'm good with that. But, I feel like I don't even have that most of the time. I don't know if it's just the attitude of where we are from (The Swede doesn't seem to mind being pretty blatant about it, but he's kind of a horndog, imo). I don't know if it's just being told all of our lives that being open about finding other people attractive is bad. I think it's stupid.
I'm not saying dudes (or ladies) should be all over other people all the time, wolf whistling and being nasty. You don't have to say anything. It's all in the look. What I see in your eyes is what matters.
I don't care how wrong it is. I just want to be able to blush, not because I'm thinking someone is hot, but because they think I am and I can tell. I want to be able to feel like maybe, my looks could get me something (even though I wouldn't use them to get anything). I'm kind of tired of being that plain girl with the glasses who makes copies and sits in the corner. I want to be that girl with the glasses who is pretty hot, damnit.
I also am aware it's damn unrealistic, but that doesn't mean I can't want it.
--
I talk about the value of compliments (on appearance AND talents or skills) all the time. I try to compliment at least one person every day, and at least once a week, I try to compliment everyone who wears something or does something with their hair that I like. I like it when people compliment me, so I compliment others. I know a lot of the time it makes people smile, and that makes me feel good.
I don't get a lot of compliments.
Maybe it's because I don't try hard enough, but I am trying more these days, and I feel like it's still not enough. I feel like I've been trying my entire life to be pretty or at least feel pretty. I am finally getting the feeling pretty thing to happen, just a little, but only at home when I'm alone or just with TGW. I never feel pretty around other people because I feel like other people think I'm nothing.
I wish I didn't care what other people think, but I do. I care so much, because I want everyone to want to see me each time they do. I don't want them to see me and not want to. I like seeing pretty people. I think most people are secretly just as shallow as me, and if they aren't, more power to 'em, but I still want the shallow people to think I'm pretty too, especially because my inner beauty is not exactly shining like a beacon.
I just want to be seen.
You know, my grandmother was wise beyond all her years. She was no great looker, but she was pretty, and she knew that the right shade of red lipstick and a certain swagger in the step (not an obscene gyration but just that little bitty oomph) and she could outshine any female.
ReplyDeleteShe had the self confidence that came from being sparklingly witty, pretty and nice. Men and women flocked to her not just out of sexual attraction but because she was someone to be around.
I've tried for years to get this formula right. Sometimes it's close and sometimes I feel a bit like it's backfired. It taught me though that if you think you're pretty, and assume you're pretty, people see it.
If you aren't worried about how you look, the personality shines more.
Anyway, I like your fashion sense. Sorry I haven't responded quickly to the pictures you send, but I got promoted 60 days into the company let me just say.. "WHEW!" There's a ton to do.
You look striking in a lot of them, and girly which is a look I particularly like. Femmy style just always seems to make me think of soft breezes and light perfumes and you pull it off well.
I can't speak for work since we don't work together, but as far as your casual style I'm a fan. I still remember your green eye shadow at Christmas-time. I tried to emulate it. I don't think it works for me as well.
Anyway, I guess the long and short is that it all resides on your mindset. Think pretty - feel pretty - be pretty.
I think a lot of the problem is that I know - from experience and continued reminders - that a lot of people don't like my personality. I'm too blunt, too up front, too open, too angry or sad or "too" anything. Not happy enough, blah blah. I hear it so much, and I can't rely on that to get me by. It wins over with some people, but kills me with others.
ReplyDeleteNo worries about the photos - I don't expect responses, I actually mostly put them up for my family (and 'gratz on the promotion). I think it's kind of funny because I *hate* dressing in a girly or feminine way. I like jeans and tshirts and cargo shorts and tank tops and sneakers or boots. I even prefer 90's mixing of girly and masculine outfits more than anything I have to wear to work. The problem is, you can't dress androgynous when you have big(ger) boobs and hips, and you can't wear more masculine clothes in a corporate office without whispers of how much of a dyke you are.
I'm still learning to like myself, but I don't think I'll ever like myself when confronted with other people. I fear I will always feel, at best, mediocre. Mediocre isn't unforgivable. It's just disappointing.
I remember when I made my boss blush...he even admitted he just never saw me as the kind of person that was "alluring" But I can turn it on and off and I usually only turn it on for my husband :D. I remember being almost angry at him for not thinking I could be beautiful and sexy. Not that I wanted my boss, who was old enough to be my dad to think I was hot...but the fact that I KNOW he only hires attractive females made me fee like the ugly duckling in the gaggle. My point? You need to find your switch, that thing inside you that says, "I am HOT and you might not know it, but I am what you've always wanted." and better yet, you're married so it says, "Yea go ahead, look. You can't touch this!"
ReplyDeleteNot that I think Makeup is the key, but do you wear any? I always feel prettier after the Clinique counter works it's magic...or MAC, they're really fun. Eyeshadow, gotta love their huge palate of colors!
Pampering yourself, treating yourself with kindness and doing the frilly feminine stuff is like beauty therapy...in feeling it you are...
and as far as being objectified goes, I think there is appropriate levels of objectification, especially when it involves husbands wanting their wives. I totally agree and understand.
I guess. It's hard to feel like anyone but TGW would be attracted to me. Sometimes I feel like it's that sort of "everyone has someone" thing where no one but him would ever think I'm pretty because he's the only one who loves me (love is blind and all).
ReplyDeleteI do wear makeup. I am careful with application, but it typically only helps me feel prettier if everything else is working, too. It's just a part of the whole.
I try to do the things that make me feel pretty, but the problem is it doesn't carry far past the door of our house. The moment I'm confronted with other women, and often the moment I'm around other people in general, I start feeling even more insecure and it rips me up and I can't see myself as pretty. Part of it is that I think I am less comfortable with PDAs now because I got a lot of shit about it from old friends and it's completely unacceptable at work to be physically close (even within each others' bubbles), so I get awkward if we do PDAs if they even happen at all (which they don't often).
I don't know. It's weird.
I finally got to my post about this. I don't think it said all that I was initially thinking but I've been blogging too much today so it has drained me.
ReplyDeletehttp://scrapandrun.blogspot.com/2010/07/being-objectified.html
The more confident you feel, the more people will notice you in a good way. That's what I've found. Then you notice one person checking you out or giving you a compliment and that makes your day and makes you more confident the rest of the day and hopefully if it works out right it'll carry into the next day. It usually doesn't but we can always hope it will.