Yeah, I know. TL;DR. I don't blame ya.
Does anyone else care what other people think?
I get that.
But for me, there is a difference between being objectified in the standard definition (all women are objects, they have no personality, etc.) and being objectified as if I were some sort of fetish. Me, just me, not all women, not everyone. The objectification that's minute, classified only as "You are so hot, I want to treat you like an object, even though I know you're not one", that only good guys can do.
TGW is the only guy (or girl) I've ever met that looks at me like that - not with love in his eyes, not just sex, but that "I want to tear you apart like a bloody steak" look. Great googly, I love it. It makes me feel like the things I think about myself in secret are really true. When I pretend in my head that I'm this sexy, mind-blowing ruler of the bedroom, and pretend that all of TGW's guy friends are jealous that he has me and that I'm prettier than everyone else, I feel good.
But then I go out into the real world, and no one looks at me like I'm even anything. I don't even get anything than polite glances. That "I must acknowledge that you are a human being, but nothing more" kind of thing. It's even worse with people who are "attached" because there's this preconceived notion that once you are in any type of relationship, all interest in and attraction to other people must cease. Thankfully, TGW and I don't subscribe to that unrealistic bullshit. I think all that does is cause more problems in the relationship, and it reeks of a lack of trust, but maybe that's just me.
I also think that sometimes, other people thinking I'm attractive makes him feel validated in thinking I'm sexy. He doesn't need it, not even in the slightest (he could care less about other people). I think it helps though.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I am happy with having TGW, and I love it when he looks at me the way he does, and I can try to be pleased with how I look all I want and what he says matters most. However, the fact of the matter is that other people's opinions do matter. Pretty people are much more likely to get what they want. Pretty people generally do better in life. Pretty people are just generally in a better situation.
I just want to feel like other people think I'm pretty. I don't care if it's just guttural objectification, so long as it's about me and not "omg T&A all over that" crap. If a dude thinks I'm hot because I have a good body, I'm good with that. But, I feel like I don't even have that most of the time. I don't know if it's just the attitude of where we are from (The Swede doesn't seem to mind being pretty blatant about it, but he's kind of a horndog, imo). I don't know if it's just being told all of our lives that being open about finding other people attractive is bad. I think it's stupid.
I'm not saying dudes (or ladies) should be all over other people all the time, wolf whistling and being nasty. You don't have to say anything. It's all in the look. What I see in your eyes is what matters.
I don't care how wrong it is. I just want to be able to blush, not because I'm thinking someone is hot, but because they think I am and I can tell. I want to be able to feel like maybe, my looks could get me something (even though I wouldn't use them to get anything). I'm kind of tired of being that plain girl with the glasses who makes copies and sits in the corner. I want to be that girl with the glasses who is pretty hot, damnit.
I also am aware it's damn unrealistic, but that doesn't mean I can't want it.
I talk about the value of compliments (on appearance AND talents or skills) all the time. I try to compliment at least one person every day, and at least once a week, I try to compliment everyone who wears something or does something with their hair that I like. I like it when people compliment me, so I compliment others. I know a lot of the time it makes people smile, and that makes me feel good.
I don't get a lot of compliments.
Maybe it's because I don't try hard enough, but I am trying more these days, and I feel like it's still not enough. I feel like I've been trying my entire life to be pretty or at least feel pretty. I am finally getting the feeling pretty thing to happen, just a little, but only at home when I'm alone or just with TGW. I never feel pretty around other people because I feel like other people think I'm nothing.
I wish I didn't care what other people think, but I do. I care so much, because I want everyone to want to see me each time they do. I don't want them to see me and not want to. I like seeing pretty people. I think most people are secretly just as shallow as me, and if they aren't, more power to 'em, but I still want the shallow people to think I'm pretty too, especially because my inner beauty is not exactly shining like a beacon.
I just want to be seen.