Everyone wants to be a hero

No one wants to be the bad guy.

It's easy to fall into the black and white, good v. evil thing, though. Sometimes, there's a grey area. It's a huge space in morality, the grey, and it's so varied and wavering. It's hard to know who really is evil sometimes.

I have been the bad guy. I have done things that fall close to black. I have said things to hurt people. Manipulated people. Lied, and I've even stolen things. I have broken rules and laws. I have let my mental illness to get the best of me, and once or twice, abused the fact that I have one to get what I secretly want. 

I don't know a single person who hasn't done something that could be considered evil.

Does that make what good I do (however rare my leans toward the shiny side of things are) invalid? Do small acts of evil weigh as much as small acts of good? Does my scale have piles of evil and just little feathers of good?  

What if you're never really good or evil? What happens if everything is just grey? Do you just wander in a sea of never really anything to one side or the other? 

I ask a lot of questions in my blog. Very few people respond. I don't think many read it. I hope it at least makes people think when they do, though.

I thought I'd would love to be a hero. I'd thought I'd like to be a paragon of all that is good and right. I'd at least occasionally like to be the kind of morally grey that can be interpreted as a good guy, though. I don't think I ever have been, though.

The weird thing is, even though I am not the good person I thought I would like to be, I'm good with who I am. It took some strange and possibly unfortunate (not to me) events to realize it, but I am totally okay with not being the good guy. Being the hero is overrated because people always expect more of you. 

No matter how good you are, you're still evil to someone. That person might be more evil than you, but you still are somehow the bad guy. There's just such a fluid scale.

I see the balance between good as evil not as a meter like a gas gauge, but instead like a glass box filled with steam. Sometimes it pools at the bottom. Sometimes it stays gaseous in the center. Maybe it evaporates. It's never the same, and no one will see it the same way as someone else would. It's always different. Is there anything that is always evil or good? Can murder be justified? Is perspective everything? 

I made someone hate me. It's not the first time. Some part of me is used to it, some part gets an illicit thrill at knowing that I could cause someone to care enough to hate me, and some part of me is a little sad about it. The sadness fades after a while. Bitterness sets in at knowing a lot of the time, from my view, they are wrong for hating me. They are wrong for misconceptions or for forcing me to have to call them out or for blaming me for something that isn't wrong in the first place. After a while (sometimes as little as a couple days) I don't care anymore.

I am the bad guy. 

I am not the bad guy.

I am ambivalent.

I am decided.

I see you for what you are.

I lie about who you are.

I know you.

I don't care to know you.

I want to kill you.

I want to love you.

These are things I think about.

Have you ever been a bad guy?

Have you hurt people?

Did you even care?