Not feelin' it.

So it's the holidays. Woo.

I'm not feeling it this year. I've been down, and we finally got a tree and all, but we're still mostly broke and can't afford gifts for everyone, so it bums me out. No cookies, no presents, husband hates holiday music... It's nothing like I feel like Christmas should be.

He finally got a job, though, which is great, but totally screwed up my two planned vacation days.

So, just heard Brittany Murphy died from cardiac arrest. WTF? It's crazy. Life is so fleeting, cheesy, I know, but what the hell? It is so hard to think of spending every day working, doing something just to get by, not ever having time to really live life. I'm 21 years old, but feel like I'm 40. I didn't have the time to do crazy teen or 20-something shit, and not because I got married. Living with my parents would have been a disaster. Living on my own was a disaster, for the short period it happened while John was in Iraq. Working sucks, and I hate it every day, but I can't see a future where I won't have to work, or even one where I can do something I enjoy - mostly because I can't figure out what I might enjoy!

Christmas depresses me. The snow and the pressure to be happy makes me feel terrible. The "Christmas Spirit" is bullshit. So few people actually care about anyone else, and half the time they'll act like they care and be lying. Do you actually care if your coworkers come to work the next day? Would it be upsetting if one of your friends just disappeared? Do you ever really consider what people mean to you?

Probably not.

We don't really care about anyone as much as we should. Not enough to be there for them, to trust them, to be genuine. Smiles are lies.

I miss Christmas when I was young. Blinded by wrapping paper and food and toys, oblivious to the hell that comes with the holiday. Ignorance was bliss.