11 December, 2009

Alone Again... Naturally

Lame title, I know.

TGW is out of town for the weekend for work. We think he may have a real job soon, which is great.

I'm exhausted. Work has been so hard lately. Let me explain:

For the last three days, I've been at a meeting a) taking notes and B ) running the presentation about the notes for all of the people. I like the customers, they like me, so I want to ensure they get what they want, but I feel like we're far behind of where we should be, and I don't think anyone realizes how much time and effort taking notes and typing up action items can take. It feels like it's forever. I feel both appreciated and yet underappreciated. It's immature, and it bothers me. I also feel like I have to be someone else - not with my customers, the guys from outside of the company, but those within. I have to be nice, and polite, and someone different. Someone who doesn't want to wear a red shirt uniform, someone who wouldn't laugh at jokes about D&D. More than anything, someone who is optimistic and positive all the time. It's more difficult than it seems.

Medicated, now, and it's helping somewhat! I'm happy about that. I do want to be better. I want to function and have people look at me and think "She is normal" or at least "She's okay" than "Omg who is that crazy bitch?". I know when I'm not medicated I can be a little overwhelming, that is why I hate myself so much.

I wish I could be a writer like Adrienne (my friend, legitimately a poet and all). I'm not, though. I don't know what I am.
Am I a wife? Am I just waiting for the day John lands that dream job and I can just be free of responsibility except for obsessing about dirt between tiles in the kitchen? Baking cookies and cakes? Grilling steaks?

Or am I an admin, perpetually in service of other human beings, trying to make people happy when I always know I will fall short?

I am so terrified of the future. I miss people and miss who I was before, but hate myself before - I want to be something more, someone who matters. Saving the world isn't possible. A zombie apocalypse is too terrifying.

I'm a coward, and I'm afraid, but I want to succeed and be something more. Will I ever be something more? Will I always be alone on Friday and Saturday nights, wishing that I could have the feeling I want?

I want to be appreciated. I want to feel like my friends want to be my friends. There are so few who really do.

Maybe I just need to not be anything except for what other people want me to be?

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