30 December, 2009


There have been no secret Me's lately, mostly because I'm tired and losing faith in myself. I was a Secret T-Rex again, which is always a fun thing to do. I need more ideas. My creativity is dying along with my interest in many other things.

The holidays have been... holiday-like.
The spirit and sparkle of the Christmas Season is completely lost to me anymore. I feel the stress, I feel the pressure, but I don't feel the joy. I did have some joy in buying presents for my family, but that was about it. Even seeing my family on holidays has lost the magic. I enjoy seeing them more outside of holidays, for some reason - perhaps it is the lack of silent agitation?

I'm trying desperately to hold myself together in so many ways right now. I'm going to school again this semester, thanks to Work, taking Intro to Chemistry and something called "Office Productivity Applications". I wanted to take Intro to Geology, but I'd have to drive into the city at unreasonable hours, so that's not to be had. Husband-man says I can take it in the future, when it's available near home, on our personal dollar. That would be nice.

I'm making duck with pomegranate orange glaze on New Years Day, at least, this is the plan. I hope it doesn't get ruined.

Work makes me feel so listless. I feel unrested and unfulfilled constantly. I got a few days off with vacation hours, and even though I spent the entire first day cleaning, all I could think was I wish this would never end. I just want to be at home. I promised Husband-man (need a better nickname) that I have not suddenly felt the cry of my ovaries and decided I want children, because it's the truth. I have no desire for children. However, I have an intense desire to be at home. I want to be able to cook dinner when I want to. I want to keep the house clean and comfortable. I want to spend time with my pets. I wouldn't mind working at home, particularly if it was something I enjoyed. I just hate being surrounded by so many people, all day long, with expectations looming over my head. I'd like to go to school to study something without having to squeeze it in between obligations, and actually learn something I care about.

Much of me wants to do something creative, but when I'm most creative, I feel too exhausted or don't have the time to spend that creativity, and when I have time, I feel exhausted or don't have the creativity. Feeling tired is getting frustrating, and I have nightmares so often. I don't even know what creative things I can do anymore.

I'm now on a "diet" of sorts. My doctor gave me some restrictions, and I'm doing okay with it. When I'm home it's much easier to follow it, because I can cook on my own and see what I want to put into it. I can experiment a little, so it isn't so boring. In the end, though, the biggest thing is that I'm so hungry all of the time. Last time I was on the medicine I'm currently on, my appetite leaped. I lost weight, but that was before my hormones got wacky from birth control. I don't know if it will work out this time, but I'm still starving. I'm not sure if it's the diet, cutting my sugar down at the doctor's recommendation, or the medicine, or all three. It's terrible.
The worst part is that normally, I know I'm not legitimately hungry, or I don't really want food, but my stomach still rages. It's like I never ate at all, just fifteen or so minutes after I eat. It's upsetting. I try to combat it with drinking water or tea or coffee, but that doesn't always help. Sometimes a gummy candy solves the problem, which is good but also not good.

Ah, I'm rambling.

Our Memories of the Future book still hasn't arrived, which is frustrating, because I cannot wait to read it. Our mugs did, though, and we had some tea in them the other night while watching the new Star Trek movie, which Husband-man got on BluRay from my parents.

I spent some time looking for corduroy pants of the wide-legged variety, vintage ones, but unfortunately, everyone during the era they were popular wore like a size 4. Damn you, skinny disco dancers! I then stumbled upon these brilliant red corduroy big-heeled oxford-like shoes, I think they're brogues, and they were a size 6.5, which is devastating. I would love a pair of shoes like those. They were gorgeous.

I successfully layered shirts today, which I'm pleased about, because it's been difficult with my changing fatness. I feel comfy and warm in what I have on, so that's good. Yesterday I froze, and this morning I was like "no! I will be warms!" and tried a few things before I got it right, but I managed.

I'm going to try to post more often. I'm bad at it... but I'll try.


  1. I'd missed this Secret Yous project, if that's what it is. And if I think about it, I've been stuck as an angry bird of prey for so long now that, like poor Horus in American Gods, I'm not sure I remember how to change back again. My talons just rip through everything I try to grab hold of - mostly jobs. I feel like I'm spending so much time filling out job applications that my final Ph.D. revisions are suffering, and I'm afraid of what they'll tell me tomorrow at my last supervision. That I can't submit in early February like we were planning, or worse...

  2. Oh, man. I hope that it works out with the Ph.D. revision. I cannot imagine the anxiety. My responsibilities pale in comparison to that, but I am beginning to see how stepping away from things - detaching myself - is having a huge benefit. I wish you the best of luck.

    Today, I am a lemon, because what do you do when you have lemons and no cash? Make a poor man's nuclear lemonade.

    Juice from 2 lemons
    1 oz. pineapple juice
    1/2 oz. Blue Curacao
    2 oz. Smirnoff Vodka
    2 oz. Jack Daniels
    Add seltzer to fill 8 oz. glass.

    Shake with ice and mint. Sleep like a baby.
    (Now I'm just wishing I had those alcohols)