20 January, 2012

The Rules

The Brad Pitt Rule: The dirtier or more repulsive a man is intended to be in a movie, the hotter he is. See: Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black or Interview with the Vampire vs. Brad Pitt in Snatch or Seven Years in Tibet. For the full effect, check out Twelve Monkeys

The Gerard Butler Paradox: Why do women like Gerard Butler? Gerard Butler is not conventionally attractive. Gerard Butler is not talented. Gerard Butler is not actually even that funny. However, Gerard Butler is MANLY. Yes, with capital letters. He is muscular in the way that men who work out but also drink a lot of beer are muscular. He is dirty (see Brad Pitt Rule). He is offensive (think frat boy), he is promiscuous and dickish with a "heart of gold" (think Barney Stinson), and he's just MANLY. 

The Morgan Freeman Principle: Everything sounds like a parable when Morgan Freeman says it. 

Action Hero Formula: Action heroes + more action heroes = cool guys not looking at explosions.

The Samuel L. Jackson Limit: Every actor has a subjective screen-time limit. For some, it is five minutes (see: Samuel L. Jackson). For some, it's nigh-infinite (see: Bruce Willis). 

The Dame Governance: Any woman with the title of "Dame" in a film or television show makes everyone else look like a tool. 

The Betty White Dilemma: Old ladies swearing and being offensive will leave you torn between amusement and horror. 

Ginger Birthright: In before "soulless" joke. 

(potentially more to follow)

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