11 February, 2011

Being Happier

So, I really want to try this Happiness Project thing. I got the starter kit. I sent it out to a couple of friends. 

I am trying to figure out how to explain to people why I want to do this, and to encourage them to join me. Part of it, I think, is that I know I need people to help me continue making good choices. Part of it, though, is that I don't want to go through what I have before where I decide to make changes and improve, and then people don't want to be around me anymore or think I'm trying to be better than them. I don't think my friends are this petty, but it terrifies me. My paranoia about this is so deep-seated, I can barely break away. 

I also know that everyone can improve. Even my friends, who I think are awesome as they are, probably have something they don't like about themselves, or just a goal they'd like to meet that would bring them joy. Everyone has that. If they don't, then there's a possibility they've just become stagnant, and need to have a kick start.

One of my friends expressed discomfort with opening up to people - and I totally get that. However, I think it's good to push past that. I've been trying, for years, to face fears and to break through my anxiety. Trusting people is very hard, but not trusting people is more damaging in my experience. 

I want to do this because I know I am unhappy, even when I am happy. I have good times, I do, but I am not sure if anyone understands how incredibly hard my depressive phases can be, especially when they're after a strong manic phase or even just a couple of days without swinging up or down. I'm not saying they can't understand, I just don't know if they do.

I guess the thing is, if they don't want to do it, I get that. I just want them to. I want them to work with me for all of us to do things we want to do. I want to have a group of people that I regularly get together with and talk about positive things. I want to have goals and achieve them and see my friends do that too.

Is it selfish? I don't know. 

Part of it, I think, is my desire to have my friends make time for something. We are ALL super busy for some reason or another, and I feel guilty for wanting them to put MORE on their schedule, but I'm also struggling to find time to spend time with all of them and while I don't want a "we must meet on X day at X time every month!" thing, I would like to have a consistent guarantee that I'd see them all once a month.

I dunno. Maybe it'll happen. If not, I'll play by myself. :)

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