13 July, 2010

Pretty girls make me cry

I held onto this post for a full week and one day. I'm posting it because TGW told me I should. I feel nervous about it for some reason.

I am, at heart, a pretty bitter, judgmental, and hateful person. I acknowledge this. These are not good traits.

I've realized lately that I harbor ill will towards women who I believe to be prettier than me. It sits down in my stomach building every time I see the people - even people on television or in movies. They are, in some part of my mind, the reason that so many guys treat me like I'm invisible or something worthless. They are the reason other girls sometimes treat me with disdain, like I am not good enough (and some of them participate in that treatment). 
This is a generalization. I am even friends (acquaintances?) with many pretty girls and even though I am friends with them, part of me is still frustrated with their genetic luck. I even get frustrated with guys who are attractive, but I forgive them thanks to my own ingrained sexism.

I am not conventionally pretty, not commercial pretty or model pretty. I am not "interesting", either, with no major recognizable traits (oh, I have blue eyes. So original.). Someone once said I was as though someone took good parts from other bodies and put them together, but they don't fit. I am a puzzle of mediocrity. I am not quite pretty, but not quite ugly. Some sort of ambivalent appearance.

All of this leads to a simmering anger at people who are pretty. It is scientifically proven that more attractive people are more likely to succeed and get what they want. They will be more likely to be respected, hired, loved, nominated, chosen, lusted after and appreciated. They are often more charismatic and even when they aren't, it's seen as justified arrogance because they are attractive. Pretty always wins, even with me, most of the time. I envy and dislike smart people in the same way. 

It makes me feel like a horrible person to feel this way.

How do you break yourself of something like this? Such an irrational, unjustifiable prejudice?

I am sure some of my mental off-roading is some sort of fetishistic dysfunction, hating the things which make me feel a different way than I believe I should.

The thing is, I think this is somewhat common amongst more than just me. How many people envy or hate popular, attractive people because of the privilege of being "better" in some way? When someone has hit such a ridiculous genetic lottery that they are not only attractive, but intelligent and charismatic, doesn't it leave you a little jealous? That little itching "why do they have x and I don't?"


  1. I don't think you're an awful mean person. My favorite story to tell about college is one involving one of the most beautiful women I will ever know.

    She was and is, tall, graceful, athletic, eastern european and freaking gorgeous.

    I was working in the registration office, helping the new freshmen register...and I was holding court if you know what I mean. Flirting, being flirted with, and then I saw every male head in the room follow someone behind me across the room and back again. Once she left, I was the belle of the ball again...but when I peeked behind me to see who they were looking at, I suddenly understood the difference between cute and beautiful.

    I love Nada, but a teeny piece of me the part that desires to be tall and exotic is very crippled by jealousy. I've seen a picture of you, and found you in no way to be random nice parts of other people. What asshole said that to you? You realize that is what they were right? An ASS HOLE. IMHO, God created you, you are beautifully and wonderfully made. There is no one quite like you. And it makes me sad to think that you don't value your own beauty. It is there, the combination of your features and your sense of humor and personality all combine to make an incredible person. Beautiful to me. And to your husband.

    I won't tell you that there are people in the world who are prettier in some way, because let's face it,there are some very lovely people in appearance and in deed. But, I know some pretty nasty ho's that are physically very pretty.

    Forrest Gump's mama said that stupid is as stupid does. I say Beauty is as beauty does.

  2. I think it is easier to believe that you are beautiful in and out if you believe in a higher power that made you the way you are. I believe that it is possible there is some sort of being, but I don't think they determine all that is or will be, but that they are just aware. So, it makes it hard for me to be all "This was planned for me, etc."

    I'm learning to be okay with mediocre. I'm getting better at not hating myself or how I look. It takes time.

  3. I suppose that my faith does indeed color my world view. It does help me think of others as more than "meat suits" for the SPN fans...so I can't objectively say if that is absolutely why I feel the way I do about people.

    I'm not a huge fan of predestination, I think once a person chooses Christ, that our "Destination" is Heaven, but...the stuff that happens in between? It teaches us lessons, but I wonder about the direct orchestration of God. I don't believe we are his "action figures" that He moves around on a landscape.

    My mom's friend says "There's not a flaw on your body" to everyone she loves and she means it!

    I avoid mirrors all the time, don't think you're the only one who isn't impressed with their looks all the time. You are special. I'm going to keep saying it! :D