I held onto this post for a full week and one day. I'm posting it because TGW told me I should. I feel nervous about it for some reason.
I am, at heart, a pretty bitter, judgmental, and hateful person. I acknowledge this. These are not good traits.
I've realized lately that I harbor ill will towards women who I believe to be prettier than me. It sits down in my stomach building every time I see the people - even people on television or in movies. They are, in some part of my mind, the reason that so many guys treat me like I'm invisible or something worthless. They are the reason other girls sometimes treat me with disdain, like I am not good enough (and some of them participate in that treatment).
This is a generalization. I am even friends (acquaintances?) with many pretty girls and even though I am friends with them, part of me is still frustrated with their genetic luck. I even get frustrated with guys who are attractive, but I forgive them thanks to my own ingrained sexism.
I am not conventionally pretty, not commercial pretty or model pretty. I am not "interesting", either, with no major recognizable traits (oh, I have blue eyes. So original.). Someone once said I was as though someone took good parts from other bodies and put them together, but they don't fit. I am a puzzle of mediocrity. I am not quite pretty, but not quite ugly. Some sort of ambivalent appearance.
All of this leads to a simmering anger at people who are pretty. It is scientifically proven that more attractive people are more likely to succeed and get what they want. They will be more likely to be respected, hired, loved, nominated, chosen, lusted after and appreciated. They are often more charismatic and even when they aren't, it's seen as justified arrogance because they are attractive. Pretty always wins, even with me, most of the time. I envy and dislike smart people in the same way.
It makes me feel like a horrible person to feel this way.
How do you break yourself of something like this? Such an irrational, unjustifiable prejudice?
I am sure some of my mental off-roading is some sort of fetishistic dysfunction, hating the things which make me feel a different way than I believe I should.
The thing is, I think this is somewhat common amongst more than just me. How many people envy or hate popular, attractive people because of the privilege of being "better" in some way? When someone has hit such a ridiculous genetic lottery that they are not only attractive, but intelligent and charismatic, doesn't it leave you a little jealous? That little itching "why do they have x and I don't?"