20 January, 2010


A lot has happened so far this year, and some things have genuinely surprised me. TGW went into the hospital for an infection and will need surgery, but is doing well nonetheless. That was just a lot to deal with in the past few days.

But wait, there's more!

  • I have done the equivalent of a real-life friends-list purge, but also did a digital one.
  • I have sat down and reevaluated what I need to do to improve my quality of life (while maintaining what I have now), become more successful in my endeavors, and why I cling to things of the past.
  • I have determined that any and all toxic relationships, no matter the supposed consequences, will be eliminated. The emotional stress is too much, and the time wasted trying to constantly keep things kosher and not offend, and lie about my feelings, is far too great. I don't like holding things back, and from here on out, I won't be.
  • I have realised who my friends are - both long-lasting, deep friendships and fleeting acquaintances that serve for now but will likely drift - and where there are opportunities for real, reciprocal friendships that I can value.
  • I have started to focus on balancing responsibility. Delegation, accepting responsibility, and learning from my past mistakes are all a huge part of my plans for the next year. I need to learn how to separate things into boxes of life, and to know when to say "I'm your (wo)man.".
  • I have taken on two projects that will require a lot of attention and personal time. I'm excited about it, anxious about it, but intend to put my heart into them. I also have accepted a lot of new opportunities, and look forward to more, both in school and in work, and in life. I will not see responsibilities and opportunities as a burden, but as a chance to grow and learn.
  • I am letting go of regrets. No more "I wish I hadn't..." or "Maybe if I'd..." or "What if..."'s. I am done with them. I am done with wishing I could fix the past. I will not dwell on past arguments, but instead take what I can from them, and move forward. I will not forget them, but I will forgive myself and anyone else involved. The past is done. It can only educate, and should not influence my feelings anymore.
  • I will read. Actively. At every opportunity. I have, over the weekend, read about 4 books. This reading will not simply be RSS feeds, blogs, news, and work things. Reading will not include comics on the internet. I will read books, both to learn and to entertain. I will shut off the television and the laptop and allow the book to take me in. I will read every book on my book list (to be posted tomorrow) before summer's end.
  • I will set aside time for family, TGW, and myself.
  • I will not be concerned with whether my social life appears appropriate for someone in my age group. I will appreciate whatever I have, and take the chance to grow my social circle, but not focus on it. Social groups are peripheral to development. Networking is important. I will balance them, and learn who to share with and trust, and who to learn from and keep apart.
  • I will learn what loss means to me and how to cope with it in preparation. I have reached the age where my world is changing, and loss does not necessarily mean death or people leaving, it can be things so simple as a loss of familiar things. I have never taken loss well - loss of innocence, loss of friends, loss of family, loss of material things. I need to learn this, and I intend to do so.

There is so much going on. I have been the target of quite a few emotional attacks of late (and I, admittedly, returned many of them), but I find my self... relieved. To be separated from the things that I should have departed from long ago has left me less with disappointment and more with comfort in knowing I made the right choice for me. I may lose a lot, but what loss is something that I never had? In the ending of some relationships, I learned that some deep-seated, long-hidden angers, dislike, and even hatred lurked. Some simply disapproved. Some just didn't really care. Some just didn't want to try. None of these things live up to my expectations, and my expectations are lofty, but I feel that only the loftiest goals are worth the attempt. The truest of friendships, loves, and familial relationships are those which stand the tests and show the ability to be honest and equal. Those are what I am looking for, and all I will accept.

The world - my world - is changing, and nothing is the same, but change is good. Oh, it's like the taste of cool water on a hot day.

I can't wait!


  1. It's good to hear that you have such concrete goals for yourself; I only wish I could say my own vision is so clear at the moment, but it isn't. I'm not sure when that happened. In any case, good for you *hugs*

  2. I think it just ended up being because of a major shift in my life. I basically had to make decisions, or risk my own health and happiness. Thank you! *hugs*

  3. I like how the list started as a "this has happened" then slowly morphed into things that you plan to do. Don't know how intentional that was when you started it, but it definitely makes a To-Do list more approachable. I know when I list everything I want to start doing differently, I end up going into a panic attack over not knowing where to start. This way really feels like something achievable.

    And where's the book list?! :o

  4. :) Thanks!

    The book list took the backburner with classes and teh ills. I'll put it together now.