12 January, 2013
Random status update
Because I want to share today with people, even though it's nothing special:
Today is fucking weird.
I realized I didn't have homework which is awesome. However, TGW has to work all the work and do all the school. I went from having 12 hours of work a day to absolutely nothing today. (This will change next week, I'm told.)
I was sick for enough days that I couldn't keep my medicine down (it makes me nauseated in the first place, so when my stomach is upset it's pointless to take it - never in my body long enough), and then forgot it for two days, so I've been almost 5 days without medicine, and then took it this morning. The result is a weird buzz-like feeling with some lightheadedness, nausea, and weird hyper feeling. I also had like no sleep last night, which didn't help.
I have an emotional hangover from playing DramaSystem last night - I got super anxious beforehand and stressed out through over half of it, but overall it was a positive experience.
I talked to TGW last night about how I had a really uncomfortable realization that I'm doing something I have always hoped would never happen: I'm being late for things because of my anxiety. When I have to be somewhere, no matter where it is, I get hyper-hyper-anxious and will take way longer than necessary, meaning that I'm always at least ten minutes late, which makes me MORE anxious. This makes me feel like a massive asshole, irresponsible, and also very exhausted. It's something I've witnessed in my family with other people who have anxiety, and it's super frustrating. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be the kind of person who lets my anxiety get in the way of my life, especially not the kind of person who lets it make me a bad friend or bad gaming buddy.
I realized it is a big problem because it's keeping me from seeing people who I'm friends with, it's stopping me from visiting friends, keeping me from doing things I want to like going to the store, going out for drinks or to play games with people, and even keeping me from doing important things at work. It is keeping me from writing, keeping me from having sex, and I don't think it's acceptable.
I can see the little damages it's doing to me professionally and personally. Other people might not, but I notice - and I hate it.
I'll be making a call sometime this week to schedule an appointment with a therapist, which I hate the entire idea of doing right now (because I am anxious about going to the therapist, woo), and I think it's actually bad enough that I need to consider anti-anxiety medicine. That's terrifying to me.
Here's my question. If you've ever made the decision to go on medicine (for anything, physical or mental or emotional) or to go into therapy, what helped motivate you to do it?