24 July, 2011

"Girl" Power

Realizations can be abrupt and often, disconcerting.

I had a realization recently that I cannot refer to myself as a "woman". Occasionally I get away with "lady", "chick", or "dudette". Most of the time, though, it's "girl". 

I also have a habit of falling into calling other people girls, or I do the "throw like a girl", "that's too girly" crap that makes me feel ashamed as a female. I think there's something here to think about.

I know I have misogynistic tendencies - a result of cultural influence, familial influence, and more than anything, my own self-loathing. I hate the things that I suffer for being female - PMS, menstruation, difficulty finding clothes, clothes that are twice as expensive as men's, disdain from women, disrespect from men, being treated like I'm fragile or being told I should be stronger to further the agendas of career women and "strong" females. The thought that I should be more liberal because my gender should only ever support the same things as the other females. 

I struggled very much with removing one of the major "markers" of femininity - my ability to reproduce, procreate, whatever you call it. I'm a "bad" person because other people can't do it, and I gave up my ability. The thing is, though, if it wouldn't damage my body and possibly put me into even worse health, I would gladly give up all of my reproductive organs to no longer have to menstruate and feel the pain of being female and suffer the impact on my body. But that's wrong. I shouldn't do that, because women should respect their uterus and ovaries like gifts from God.

I cringe at the thought of wearing pink even when I want to wear it, because it's too "girly" and too feminine and I don't like being feminine. It's a weakness. "Strong women" are not what I see when I look at pop culture and the women who are strong are frowned upon by men and women alike. 

It's not really a man's world. It's the world of elitists and people who think that we must conform to some sort of gender or cultural ideals. These people who think that we should be just like everyone else, because those other people are better. They are the people who make me unable to call myself a woman, because I cannot be what a woman is in my mind, because the idea of a woman is so skewed and so, so destructive to who I am, that I cannot be it.

Maybe if I can change the world, I'll be a woman someday.

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