Not So Sexy Drive

There was an article recently in the Daily Mail that talks about how poor body image affects women's interest in sex. Aside from the awful photos in the article, they have some good information (although they lack sources). I'm going to disregard the percentages and statistics, and just talk about some of the stuff they mention, and how to combat it.

First, they mention how many women don't want to have sex because they don't have confidence in the shape of their bodies. I know very few women who don't feel like this - and it's not just a weight thing! It doesn't matter the body type - a woman with low self esteem or a woman who is just having a bad day can always find something to hate about her body. 

How do you fix it? Read some common problems and resolutions after the cut. 




One I've heard often is focusing primarily on breast and nipple size, shape, or evenness - too big, too small, lopsided, squishy, dark colored nipples... This is all normal. No, really.

There are the issues with weight - not just for women who feel overweight, but also for the women who feel they're too skinny, or who don't like the way their weight is distributed. 

To combat this, for me, I try to think about the good things - first of all, if I'm in bed with a dude (okay, so dude = husband, but whatever), that means he wants me. I fight with this all the time, though, so I'm not saying it's easy. I crash a lot and think about how I don't understand how TGW could be with me, ew, I'm so icky kind of stuff, but the fact is, he's in bed with me, and he wants to have sex with me. TGW is not the kind of guy who would have sex with anyone - most guys aren't.

And if that doesn't help - there's nothing wrong with low lighting, and some lingerie - a sexy bra, just some lacy panties - can make a big difference. But keep in mind that it's likely your guy (or girl) would be happy to see you naked and on top of them taking charge.


Another thing to keep in mind is that sex makes you more beautiful. It's good exercise - especially if you do it a lot and be an active participant in sex (don't just lie there and let him thrust! Move your hips, arch your back!) - and it's great for your skin. That after-sex glow lasts for hours, and it can really change how you feel when you look in the mirror. (This counts for masturbation, too!)

The article talks about how many women are too tired for sex - and man, I hear that. I don't sleep much, between insomnia, nightmares and pain keeping me awake, so I know what tired is. I know MANY women who are tired, after long days working and then coming home and being a housewife, caring for kids... who wouldn't be a little worn out? 

For this, you have to really look at what sex is. Sex can be incredibly relaxing - and it doesn't have to take a very long time. Maybe shut off Dancing with the Stars a little early and go spend that hour in bed - have some foreplay to relax, and then some sensual sex. You'll be calmer, your muscles will all tense and relax when you orgasm, and that's the key to almost every relaxing meditation - tense, then relax, let your body release.

Have a headache? Sex gets rid of them. It gets blood flowing, boosts endorphins and makes the pain ease.

Some women find sex boring - and repetitive sex can get like that. However, don't rely on your partner to spice it up. You can do that! What makes sex sound more fun? Don't be afraid to watch porn to learn new positions or to find what kink makes you feel like slipping under the covers! Bring a toy into the bedroom, try using playful lubricants or a sexy massage. And always remember - sex can be FUN. It can be hilarious, too. If you're trying something new and feel a little silly, just laugh - laughing is good for you, just like sex, and it can make the sex even better.

It's like sex solves the problems that cause people to put off having sex!

One last thing: If you are married or in a relationship and have sex only because you feel obligated, stop. Sex is no fun for anyone (regardless of the physical response) when both parties aren't willing and enjoying. Take some time off from the obligation, and if your partner complains, tell them you're just gearing up for something special - but make sure you own up to that promise. 

That something special, though, has to be what you want. If you don't like sex because it doesn't feel good, find out why - talk to a doctor or a therapist or a good friend (or a sex expert - they exist). If you don't like it because you want something more sensual, make the sex more sensual by telling your partner that's what you want, and telling them that if they want you, they need to do what you want.

Sex is hard. But it doesn't have to be.

Photo credit Danilo Rizzuti.

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