31 December, 2010

2010 - I've grown old inside my heart.

The first day of 2010, I woke up with a weight in my chest that I've felt too many times in my life. The past year had been riddled with illness, drama, and disappointment in myself and pretty much everyone else I knew, at some point. The first week of January was nothing less than what I can call an attempt at cleansing my life and my soul.

I ended relationships that I'd spent too much on. I did so harshly, partially because my mind and heart were worn ragged from holding back. I felt much better afterward. It isn't that it didn't hurt me or that I didn't feel bad in some way about saying what I did, because someone like me is never free of regrets - however small they might be - but it was good to finally say things I'd been thinking and express things I'd been feeling for a very long time.

It was also freeing to hear the truth from people - at least part of it, anyway - and realize that it wasn't all my own self-deprecating, self-destructive paranoia saying that people hated me. They actually did. I still don't know why for some of the people - those who have hated me for years but hid it and never tried to solve whatever issue was there - but for others, I don't really blame them, and I was just glad they were finally honest about it. I don't really mind when people hate me, mostly because in my head, most people do anyway, but I'd really rather know.

TGW and I spent our weekends reading and relaxing, and it was wonderful. We got to spend time together, and had non-tech days for a while, and that was great. Then he got sick and had to go to the hospital, and we spent weeks during his recovery and surgery and second recovery just trying to make sure he was alright. It was good when it was over.

I also started walking with Colleen on the weekends - even when it was only 14 degrees outside, we got together and went walking in North Park. It sparked me getting a bit healthier, and while I haven't lost the weight, I'm incredibly thankful for having a friend who would pull me out and help me try to improve my health. I've found, over the year, that Colleen is an amazing friend to have, but like me, small failures count. She's forced me to be a better person, and that's a good thing!

I turned 22, and I can barely remember it. I was sick that week with bronchitis, John was still recovering, and the big snow blasted us pretty badly. I hate missing work because I'm sick, and I missed quite a bit that week. We did have a great dinner with Colleen and Dave, and that was awesome. Our anniversary - 4 years - came and went just as quickly. I met Michael and Trae - a relationship which is very important to me, and I would hate to be without. I failed at finishing my booklist this year, partially because after a couple months, our non-tech days fell to the wayside with work, school, and the rest of our life.

I started watching Star Trek and actually enjoying it, and we began gaming with Michael and Trae, Rae and Bear, and on occasion, Joelyn or TGW's brother. Gaming is always kind of a rough thing for me - I love it some days, but hate it others, and it can really be rough for me to get into, so I was grateful that the group is sometimes flexible about when we game, and that it's not always a fixed schedule.

We went to Gettysburg for a weekend - a short one, even - and the weather was beautiful, the B&B we stayed at was wonderful, and it's one of the best memories I've made. I took fantastic photos, and it refreshed me a little for the months to come.

I made the dean's list this spring and had A's this fall, and the summer semester was hard as hell and super busy, but I made it through with A's and B's. I was glad to be done with school this year, because I've been run down by business classes! I want to be done with my degree, so I changed my major and will be doing classes for general studies in the summer to finish out. Hurrah!

I met Heather about midway through this year, and I've really enjoyed getting to know her and becoming friends with her. She's re-exposed me to Hanson, and going to a party at her house is what led me to making one of the bigger decisions I've made this year. She also made me want to sing again - and that's an achievement!

I started with Pure Romance in September, after going to Heather's house for a Passion Party (same business, different company). I've really enjoyed it so far, and while it's not yet showing an incredible profit, I am hoping to keep it up and do well this coming year.

My regular job is also doing alright. I had some wins, some losses, and sometimes it's still a little rough for me, but I go to work and do my job and (hopefully) do it well.

I've rounded off the year with another move towards removing the bad things in my life, including breaking some habits of my own.

That's my year. I'm kind of glad it's over. This year, I think, will be better.

Bye, 2010.


  1. Sorry we haven't been walking lately. I've been thinking about it. I've wanted to do it recently but haven't had the time or have been sick. :(

  2. It's okay, I've been busy as well.