Bravo Charlie Sierra

Hockey and Sidney Crosby

2012-01-30T10:23:00.000-08:00

I rarely, if ever, watch sports of any kind in Pittsburgh. I like a few of the Steelers - Polamalu & Keisel, and sometimes Hines Ward - but most of the time it's an "eh" situation. However, Sidney Crosby is the only thing that ever got me interested in hockey (aside from my interest in people punching other people). I think Sid is an awesome, awesome person, and consider him to be a prodigy.

http://thatschurch.com/2012/01/30/fight-fight-fight-fight/

This post reminded me of that. It's absolutely devastating to me that Sid might not ever play hockey again. He is amazing at it, and he deserved to have the happiness and success that comes with doing something he's good at and that he loves. He is a generous person, and I am just really hoping that he gets better, and that he can maybe play again. It's just not fair to see a talent like his be lost, and to see someone so fantastic lose his dream.

Weird creative bursts

2012-01-30T08:31:00.001-08:00

I don't write because I'm good at it.

Writing is an outlet for me, but most of the real "outlet" stuff doesn't get posted anymore, or even shared with anyone. I've thought of going to therapy just to have somewhere to talk that I can say anything without risking offending people or upsetting people or feeling like I have to censor myself, or because other people have worse problems than me or because I know how annoying it is. I normally vent by talking or writing, but that's not why I write anymore.

I write because I need to. Something about putting words to paper is valuable to me. I share my thoughts with this empty blog, and it's not a journal anymore but a way to talk about things that mean something to me.

Lately, though, I've had these weird desires to do creative stuff I hadn't previously been interested in, because I'm no good at them. For example, I've started painting occasionally. I'm rubbish, but it's a fun activity and I get to learn how paints work and mix colors (something I genuinely enjoy is making new colors). I also have been burning to sculpt. I have done one or two sculptures, a long time ago, and I loved it. They weren't super awful, but weren't any crazy good thing, either. It just felt good.

I started coloring in a coloring book to de-stress. It is super fun. It's not very creative and I don't do anything special, but I enjoy it and I really want to do it all the time.

I wonder if anyone else gets this kind of feeling.

Soma

2012-01-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

Soma is one of my favorite stores ever. I love the place. I wish there were more of them in the Pittsburgh area, and let me tell you why.

I discovered Soma the first time I went to Ross Park Mall. I was pretty horribly dissatisfied with Victoria's Secret at the time (they had just reduced their sizes in the stores local to me, which made me unable to buy bras from them, and some bad experiences with some customers there left me a little bitter), so I was interested to see what they had.

I should note that the Soma store in Ross Park Mall is TINY. It's super small. That's my only real complaint, because it can make it difficult to shop on busy days and it makes me super anxious. I wish they had a larger store, so hopefully someday that will be the case.

The first thing I found out about Soma is that they have a great range of sizes. I wear a 36DD or 38D, and have no trouble finding my size in almost any of their bras. That is super awesome. It makes it easy to find bras that I like that fit, and that look really nice! The charts below are from the Soma website, but don't include all of the DDD sizes.

Continued under the cut!

They also have reasonable sizes in their clothing, pajamas, and panties. They unfortunately don't have much for plus size clothing, but their sizes are larger than many stores, so I can wear a L or XL in a lot of their items.

Their Vanishing Edge panties are the bomb. No, seriously, these things erase panty lines, and they're thin and super comfortable, plus they come in tons of different colors and styles. I personally love the hipster and high-leg ones, because they look great under dress pants.

Their bamboo panties are soooo great. They feel like you're wearing nothing, and they are rayon-bamboo so they have a bit of stretch, but not too much, and since they're more natural fabric than a lot of the other panties, they are more breathable. I didn't buy them at first, but now that I bought them, they're hard to stop wearing! I love wearing them for working out. I have replaced nearly all of my panties with the bamboo-rayon panties and the Vanishing Edge panties, thanks to their Panty Raids, where you can get a bunch of panties for a really nice price.

One of my favorite products they have right now is the Vanishing Back bra. I know a lot of women who have troubles with "bra bumps" on their back, where the seams on the edge of the bras sits. It's uncomfortable and looks kind of weird, so when I saw the new Vanishing Back bras when they came out, I was ecstatic. They really work, too, and are SO comfortable. I have slept in them and it didn't even feel uncomfortable at all. They also look pretty good - very standard full-coverage styles, but they have both front and back-close bras, in a bunch of colors. The only real complaints I have with them are that the front-clasp metal plating tends to wear off, and the backs of the bras (especially the front-close) will stretch out pretty easily. However, it's worth it to get such a comfortable, flattering bra in multiple styles. I own four of them.

They also have what they call "cami-bras". These bras are really cool. They have mesh or lace over the bra that makes them look like a camisole. It is great for summer when you want to wear something to cover up cleavage, but don't want to wear a full layer. They're also really nice under dresses! One issue with them is that they feel like they are sized smaller and tighter - they can create a bit of a bump in the back and are really not for all-day, all-night wear.

Their pajamas and workout clothes are some of the comfiest things I've ever worn. I love their workout clothes - the sizing is reasonable and not as rough with the vanity sizing. The fabrics are also really nice. One of the workout jackets I have is a nice, stretchy fabric, and also has zippers on the wrists and up the side of the jacket that goes the whole way to the bust!

I really love the products at Soma. I think their prices are comparable to Victoria's Secret, and that the quality is as good or better. They may not have as big a variety of products as Victoria's Secret or other bra and clothing stores, but it makes a difference in what you get!

One of the BEST things about Soma is their customer service and their Passport program. I have never had any issue with Soma. In some cases, I've had returns or lost coupons, and both times the customer service was excellent. Replacing lost coupons (including loading them onto my Passport account so I don't have to pick them up or wait for them in the mail), allowing quick and easy returns, and just generally being super-nice is all standard for Soma. I love that.

Their Passport program is great because any coupons you earn are typically loaded directly into your account, plus you get 5% off each purchase! You don't get as many free products as you do with Victoria's Secret, but I don't mind. The ease of use with the Passport program is what matters to me. I don't have to worry about whether I forgot a coupon, most of the time, and it makes the checkout process much faster.

Next time you need to buy a new bra, I suggest you check out Soma. They do bra fittings, and it's best to get one every six months, so go out and get a new bra that fits! Check out their Panty Raids when you want to get something comfortable that looks great under your dress pants or formal clothes. If you work out a lot, pick up some of their workout clothes - or get some pajamas for your rest days! Soma is one of my favorite stores, and I hope that you can check them out and fall in love with their products, too!

http://www.soma.com Images borrowed from their website or newsletters.

The Rules

2012-01-20T19:07:00.001-08:00

The Brad Pitt Rule: The dirtier or more repulsive a man is intended to be in a movie, the hotter he is. See: Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black or Interview with the Vampire vs. Brad Pitt in Snatch or Seven Years in Tibet. For the full effect, check out Twelve Monkeys.

The Gerard Butler Paradox: Why do women like Gerard Butler? Gerard Butler is not attractive. Gerard Butler is not talented. Gerard Butler is not actually even that funny. However, Gerard Butler is MANLY. Yes, with capital letters. He is muscular in the way that men who work out but also drink a lot of beer are muscular. He is dirty (see Brad Pitt Rule). He is offensive (think frat boy), he is promiscuous and dickish with a "heart of gold" (think Barney Stinson), and he's just MANLY.

The Morgan Freeman Principle: Everything sounds like a parable when Morgan Freeman says it.

Action Hero Formula: Action heroes + more action heroes = cool guys not looking at explosions.

The Samuel L. Jackson Limit: Every actor has a subjective screen-time limit. For some, it is five minutes (see: Samuel L. Jackson). For some, it's nigh-infinite (see: Bruce Willis).

The Dame Governance: Any woman with the title of "Dame" in a film or television show makes everyone else look like a tool.

The Betty White Dilemma: Old ladies swearing and being offensive will leave you torn between amusement and horror.

Ginger Birthright: In before "soulless" joke.

(potentially more to follow)

My Review of Porridge

2012-01-13T06:51:00.001-08:00

Originally submitted at LUSH USA

Porridge started life as 3 different soaps in the LUSH lab. One felt great, one smelled delicious and the last looked magnificent. Combined together they produced a soap that's just right. Stuffed with real oats for an exfoliating scrub and fresh orange juice to invigorate sleepy heads, this sw...

Great smell and smooth results

By BrieCS from Pittsburgh, PA on 1/13/2012

When you survey your stash, you label this product: Cult Classic

Pros: Moisturizing, Pleasant Smell, Lathers Well, Cleans Effectively

Cons: Doesn't Last Long

Best Uses: Hand Soap, Showers, Facial Soap, Baths

Describe Yourself: Budget Buyer

I love this stuff! I got porridge a long time ago to try as a sample and I loved it, but it's taken me a long time to pick it up again. It does go fast, unfortunately, because of all of the oats in it, but that's why I only use it in the bath. It gives a similar effect to an oatmeal bath (reduces itchiness from dry skin, etc.) especially when used with another moisturizing bath bomb (I used the Rose Queen). It smells fantastic, too!

(legalese)

My Review

2012-01-13T06:46:00.001-08:00

Originally submitted at LUSH USA

Loved it!

By BrieCS from Pittsburgh, PA on 1/13/2012

When you survey your stash, you label this product: Must-Have

Pros: Beautiful colors, Smells Great

I used the Rose Queen in the bath, and it smelled so fantastic! It also broke up into pieces with petals all over, which I actually really like. It makes for a pretty sexy presentation!
I used it with the Porridge bath soap. The combination was very relaxing and soothing for my skin - a great winter bath!

(legalese)

Should there be a bald Barbie?

2012-01-13T06:18:00.001-08:00

http://www.themarysue.com/why-isnt-there-a-bald-barbie/

In a word, yes.

Why?

Because Barbie is, and has been, a representation of beauty to little girls and even little boys for as long as I can remember. Are some of us surprised when we get older and realize those body types are unattainable? Hell yes. Is a lack of consideration for different body shapes, skin tones, and ethnicities? Of course.

Both of those things are something that are a problem with Barbies, and I get that. However, that doesn't mean that Mattel would be wasting their time to make them, or that encouraging Mattel to make them, is a waste. I rarely hop behind Facebook-based causes and I'm not a big fan of the long, flowery, tear-jerking stories trying to make support for cancer or breast cancer research.

I think this would be a good business move for Mattel. In honesty, I think altering the body shape of Barbie to a more realistic size (even moving them back to the size Barbies were when I first got them in the end of the 80s) would be a good business decision. Why?

People are going to buy Barbies either way, at least in some degree. However, they can make Barbies more respectable. Even today, as much as I know how bad the body image damage can be and how racist Mattel's lineups can be, I still love Barbies. There's still too much pink, and they could definitely be a little more appropriate to a realistic human being's body size, but dangit, they're fun. I played with Barbies because it was fun to dress something up, and they had tons of different clothes options. I don't understand why there wasn't ever a bald Barbie before (like I didn't understand why almost all Barbies had long hair, either), since some people actually are bald, on purpose.

Mattel is a business for kids. All of the business classes talk about corporate responsibility and community involvement, and this is one of the best, most emotionally impactful ways Mattel can accomplish both of those things. Make Barbies with no hair, and (as someone mentioned in The Mary Sue's comments) call them "Survivor Barbie". Give as much of the proceeds to charities as possible (a good charity that will not waste the money) - heck, do even 50% of the Barbie's sale price.

Then, make wigs.

Tons of them. Different colors, styles, shades, and sell them at a price that's reasonable and will give a good return. I think they'd make their money back. People spend OODLES on accessories for Barbies now, imagine if they could get a Barbie that has a clean slate and make it have whatever hairstyle they want!

I think it would be awesome. I understand that changing the body style of Barbie is expensive and takes a crapton of time and effort (but that doesn't mean it's a bad idea), so it is less likely to happen. However, making a new head, and then making just a bunch of different Barbie wigs, should be more affordable. I know that businesses have to make money, and I think this would be a good way to do it while still making a bald Barbie like people are asking for, contributing to charitable efforts, and responding to consumers.

Edit: These would probably work best as a limited edition during a Cancer Awareness month, or as a short run before advertising and marketing is changed to label them as "interchangeable hair" Barbies.

THAT is what I want to see. Do it, Mattel!

All Things End

2012-01-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about this blog a lot lately.

I don't have a lot to put down here anymore, because the only point of a public blog is dialogue, and I have nothing to create dialogue. I don't even really discuss anything complex off the blog, either. This isn't supposed to really be about my life (yet it is), and was supposed to be my way of taking things I care about and sharing my thoughts, and hearing others in return, but that hasn't been the case for quite a while.

I am going to leave it up here, and I might post sporadically, as per usual, but it's nothing I'll be focusing on explicitly. Hopefully, I'll get some inspiration.

-B

Leaving Iraq

2011-12-20T12:06:00.001-08:00

My husband spent a year in Iraq shortly after we got married. I can't tell you how many times I wished for the war to be over just so he could be home, and damn whether the war was right or wrong. Occupation in Iraq has ended, and I'm happy for it, but the war is not over - we're still at war, and it's a war that has gone longer.

I look back at the last ten years mostly thinking "Holy crap, 10 years!" It's been over ten years since 9/11, over ten years since I sat in a chatroom with new fellow students asking "why?" and "what is happening?", and over ten years since the world I know was changed forever. Regardless of why we really went to war, or who knew what, I personally believe we would not have been there if 9/11 had not occurred. The terrorist attack opened up the possibility for war, and once we had gone to Afghanistan, it didn't take much to convince people to go to war in Iraq.

To me, the war is a lot of things.

It is something that has taken and damaged more lives than I would like to realize, and not just American. It has caused a lot of damage to families, and I know the strain I felt while I was alone for the time TGW was gone. It was hard. It was difficult for politicians. It was difficult for citizens. It was hell for soldiers.

It is also the reason why I got married when I did. We had planned to get married in a couple years, but TGW got his orders, and I was almost 18. We talked it over, and I didn't want him to leave without us being married. I wanted to be the first person that they called if something happened - I didn't want to have to worry about not being able to visit him when he was in training, either. I also knew that there were a lot of benefits to being married as a soldier, but most of all, I knew that we would be married either way, and that getting married before he left was much better than worrying that I might never get the chance.

The war is a battle against perception. While we are dealing with insurgents and there is a lot of hatred still resting in those opposed to U.S. occupation, the U.S. soldiers are still rebuilding homes and making clean water available, ensuring people have power and food, and that is so crazy to me, still. I think it's great, but when we hear about the soldiers from anti-war protesters, you never hear about how they built houses, you only hear about them "killing babies". There is no way, I don't think, to change the way people view soldiers in wars they don't support. Don't get me wrong - bad people do bad things in war. But good people do far more good than that.

The Iraq War is the public war. We have been at war with Afghanistan for longer, and we're still there, and it seems like the media couldn't give a fuck about it if they tried. We are at war with Afghanistan for what seems to be good reason - the Taliban, along with Osama Bin Laden, are the ones who attacked the U.S.

I am not really opposed to retaliation against them for that, I will be honest, but I would love to see this war be over. This is in large part due to the fact that I personally believe that it's not possible to really win a war in Afghanistan - for either side. There is no "win hearts and minds". We can't destroy all of the Taliban, and we can't protect the innocent Afghans, either. They can't wipe us out no matter how hard they might try. Not there, and not without measures that no one will and no one should take.

The news doesn't care about that, though. They want to focus on the Iraq War - victory or no - because it's controversial. I feel horrible for every soldier, and every family member or friend of a soldier, who is in Afghanistan. No one remembers them. They are heroes only in retrospect. And many of them will still be there for a long while.

The war is NOT over. We may have left Iraq, but that was never the real war we were fighting. So long as we are in Afghanistan, we're still at war. I hope people don't forget that.

Are you succeeding?

2011-12-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

Are you doing the absolute best you can with what you have?

If you want a job, have you done the most you can to get it? If you're unemployed, have you been willing to apply for jobs that make a little (or a lot) less, or that are outside of your typical expertise, or that might not be glamorous?

If you wake up in the morning and go to work, and you hate it, do you stay in that place you hate? Have you looked at your options, and tried to see whether it was worth the mental and physical and emotional stresses, and if making a little extra money is worth it?

Are your relationships as good as you want them to be? Do you see your friends and family often enough? Do you love spending time with your significant other - or enjoy the time with yourself, if you are not attached? Do you love yourself?

Do you feel like you're at your best?

What is success? Is it happiness in your personal life? Good relationships? Self-love? Is it a good-paying job? Is it a job you enjoy, or at least one that doesn't cause you excess stress and sadness?

I think it is all of the above, to varying degrees. What do you think?

Tim Brevoort

2011-12-07T10:22:00.000-08:00

Ugh, Tim Brevoort, you just made me so frustrated.

http://www.themarysue.com/marvel-tom-brevoort-female-characters/

Tom Brevoort, Marvel's Senior VP of Publishing, runs an active Formspring account and was recently asked quite boldly what he though Marvel's responsibility was towards its female characters:

Q: Do you feel like you have a social (beyond financial) responsibility to feature more female (or other underrepresented minority) headliners in titles? EX: DC has Batgirl & Woman, Voodoo, Wonder Woman, but Marvel has no book named after&featuring a woman. :

I feel like we've got a social responsibility to feature characters of all kinds, but that doesn't necessarily mean that those characters can or have to be headliners. That tends to be defined by the audience and the marketplace. If all of the fans crying for more series with female leads from all of the companies had supported all the ones that were done in the past, this circumstance wouldn't exist. That said, that doesn't change the responsibility, but ti[sic] may impact on the manner in which that responsibility plays itself out. [emphasis mine]

I like to think that the market will typically handle when companies make unwise decisions. However, I have to really wonder if Brevoort understands that markets change. A lot of the people I know who buy comics now only started buying in the last 5 years. Many women I know stopped buying comics a long time ago because of the way women in comics were portrayed. The market changes, evolves, and grows. He seems to miss that fact.

I buy comics because they have good stories, regardless of the main characters, but I also really get excited for female leads - because it's different, and because it gives a different perspective. Maybe if more of your comics featured females like Psylocke (Uncanny X-Force) that are normal sized, normal shaped, not presented as promiscuous and stupid, maybe women would spend a little more $$$ on the comics.

I read Batwoman and Batgirl because they are gorgeous, intelligent, powerful women who look like they're real. I don't read Catwoman because she is presented in a way that is offensive. I know when I read comics like Batman and Nightwing that the males are the leads, and I'm cool with that. However, when the female characters are presented as mindless sex-bots or major bitches, I'm not jumping on that bandwagon.

I don't want more women as throw-away or secondary characters. I want comics where females are the front-runners, and look like they'd actually be able to do it.

Get your crap together, Marvel!

Work-Life Balance

2011-11-23T09:49:00.001-08:00

"Work-life balance" sounds kind of pretentious. A little new-age-y. It sounds like something they spout at performance reviews, on benefits paperwork, and in staff meetings about ensuring human performance doesn't suffer because people are overworked. It IS one of those things they say. However, that doesn't make it bad.

It is important for men and for women. Men who don't get to spend time with newborn babies or with their children (especially children with special needs), who don't get to take some time once a week to read a book that's not for work, or who don't get enough sleep, don't eat dinner with their families most nights, or spend every waking minute thinking about what needs done the next workday. It is difficult for men without children, too, to find a balance. When you don't have kids, or you're single, it can be complicated.

It is equally difficult for women without children. For women with children, I can't even fathom, especially single mothers, but there are plenty of them out there who have amazing careers. But why is work-life balance SO important?

Burnout is first on the list. If you do nothing but work, or mostly just work, your performance can really suffer, because you can't get perspective. You can't step back and let your brain refresh, and having weeklong vacations once-or-more year is often not enough for that. Weekly to bi-weekly breaks from work are important, that's why 9/80 schedules, 4/10 schedules, and telecommuting have become more normal in even old-school and traditional corporations.

Second is the possibility of failed marriages or neglected children (not in the abusive fashion, just normal neglect of parental relationships). How many people end up having too close of relationships with people at work and see their marriages fall apart? What about people who work too much barely seeing their kids except for disciplinary or mandatory events? The overworked (or workaholic) spouse or parent isn't just a Hollywood stereotype.

Third, and possibly most importantly, is health. I am a big proponent of the "I must take care of myself first because if I am not healthy enough to function, I cannot care for other people" ideal, which is why I fall into the category of "selfish," because people ignore the part after the comma. If you aren't healthy, your work will suffer, your family life will suffer, and so on. People who work in offices are more likely to have health problems of so many different varieties (heart problems, more colds, back pain, headaches, eye strain, blood pressure issues, etc.), have less opportunity to exercise and eat healthy foods, eat on irregular schedules, don't sleep enough or don't sleep well enough, and are more likely to skip going to the doctor.

When people who do hard labor jobs get injured or sick, they go to the doctor because otherwise their work is impeded drastically. When people who work in offices get injured or sick, they work from home, they call into meetings, they come into the office anyway. They get other people sick, they delay their healing time, and many of them don't go to the doctor unless it's near disabling. They don't notice how much their work suffers unless they're very self-aware, and deadlines make it hard to examine your quality of work sometimes. Being in work sick also distracts others - how many cube rats like me get driven near-crazy by people coughing, sneezing, and sniffling all day?

So how to fix it?

Alternate work schedules are a good start. More vacation time, in my opinion, is really great, too. Allowing floating holidays is a plus. Setting up "admin" days for employees to handle the administrative issues (e-mail, corporate paperwork for benefits, etc.). Allowing people to have legitimate mental-health days, and sick days. I think in the end it will pay companies back, because the employees are more likely to actually WORK at work, they will be healthier, there will be less people sick and out of the office, and the productivity will not be as affected.

It can be easier if people enjoy their job or at least have healthy relationships at their job. Not everyone can love the work they do, even though that would be awesome, but recent studies have found that having friends or acquaintances at work helps you live longer. Having a strong social network out of work is also really important.

Work-life balance is important for everyone, in every level of business - whether you are entry level, manager, or upper-level management, whether you are support or technical, whether you own a small business, you work part-time, or you're in a major corporation. It's important regardless of your personal situation - with kids or without them, single or partnered, low-, middle-, or high-income, and regardless of gender.

Do you have a good work-life balance? Do you think it is something you need to change? What policies does your workplace have that you think helps or hinders work-life balance?

Some links:

Gen Y Women Prioritize Work Life Balance Even If They Don't Have The "Traditional" Life Part

'Forbes Most Powerful Women' Deal With The Work Life Balance Struggle Too

10 Notable Businesswomen On The Work Life Balance Struggle

Are Men Expected To Have Work-Life Balance?

Men Happier With Work-Life Balance Than Women: Captivate Network [GRAPHIC]

Work-Life Balance: Men Want It, Too

Work-Life Balance Benefits Low-Wage Workers, Employers

On Loss

2011-11-21T09:41:00.000-08:00

There was a really great post on Skepchick about grief and loss that I wanted to link to, and share my comment:

http://skepchick.org/2011/11/november-18-2011-a-day-of-grief-love-inspiration-and-hair-loss/

My response:

I spoke to a man I know at work after the death of my grandfather. I was having a very hard time coping with the fact that I didn't feel the loss as much as the rest of my family, and that when I did think of the loss, I felt more like it was unfortunate, but I didn't feel that sore feeling in my heart that I still feel when I think of the loss of my great grandmother (who I didn't know as well, but I think I felt more love for) and my great grandfather.

He said, "The only reason to feel sad after someone dies is because we don't want to stop having them in our lives. It's selfish." He explained that whether you believe in heaven or not, the only reason to not want them to die is because we want them to be here with us, not for any worry of their suffering or lack of existence.

Since then, I've had a very different outlook on death. I still feel sad when people die, but I acknowledge WHY I feel that way. I haven't lost anyone very very close to me, but I think about it a lot.

The way I see it, regardless of whether I believe in heaven, the last few seconds of brain activity can feel like an eternity, and many people see the things that make them the most happy in that moment, and that can be their heaven, and I would never begrudge anyone that momentary happiness. I try to think of that when I think of how sad and scary death can be.

Grief is hard, but it is a selfish thing. I think remembering the lives of the people we lose, and doing things in their honor, instead of feeling bad that we don't have them anymore, is the best thing we can do. It is amazing what you're doing to honor your sister!

Lucky

2011-10-31T08:13:00.001-07:00

I am very lucky to have a husband like I do.

On Friday, TGW was cool with me going to a party without him with a bunch of people he'd never met, and crashing at a friends' place. It was partially because he's not big on parties or bars, but he could have just said that he didn't want me to go, either. He also dropped me off & picked me up, allowing me to have a safe time without having to worry about driving or relying on anyone else to get me out there and home. That was awesome. From what I know of, there aren't a ton of people who have spouses who are trusting and chill enough to do that.

I admit, I do feel a little like a part of me doesn't fit in with people who go to parties or have parties like the one I was at, but it was more of a social experiment than anything, so I was glad to have the chance to go. I missed out on a lot of college partying, so I wasn't sure what it would be like. It gave me a better idea if I'd go to a party like that again (verdict so far: probably not for as long of a time as I spent at this one, but I'd go for a little bit, I think).

I have been reflecting a lot lately on our relationship (since a test psych-eval with a friend of ours in which I answered a question about how my marriage is with a response close to "Good with minor conflict."). I think it's pretty great. We've been married for over 5 years and I honestly feel I can trust TGW 100%, without any concern that he's going to be dishonest. I wonder often if other people who got married as early as I did have the same kind of relationship.

Do we have conflict? Yes. Mostly money stuff, just like 90% of the marriages I've seen. Some of it is the issue of communication of our feelings and stuff, which we've been through trainings on through Strong Bonds, but it still falls through. I don't think any couple is perfect at communication. I'm bad at explaining things and I get frustrated when I don't feel like I'm getting what I want, and TGW is often more closed and doesn't always tell me when things are wrong. I don't think that's a world-ending thing.

I am super lucky. Even though we're both working & going to school right now (which is HELLISH stressful), he has been tolerant of my need for more social interaction, my busy schedule that often conflicts with his, and lately, my crappy health (physically and mentally). We've had blow-outs. I am normally the first to be angry and more likely to raise my voice, but when he does finally come out with it, it's a pretty big thing. But we get through it, every time.

I hope he feels as lucky as I do. I hope that this super-stressful time for us, with so much of a busy schedule and so little sleep, ends up being worth it in the end. I am lucky to have him around to explain difficult things to me. I am lucky that he loves me & calls me beautiful, even after five years of weight gain, medication rotations, disabilities, unemployment, long distances, and some really crazy external relationship issues.

I know there is always a chance it will change. I don't think it would ever go the bad way some relationships I have seen went (there were tons of divorces in family & family friends while I was growing up, and I've seen more since I turned 18), but relationships evolve. Regardless, I think it's awesome to be where we are now.

Pre-"Occupied"

2011-10-15T21:10:00.001-07:00

I cannot currently support the Occupy Wall Street movement. I have had issue with it ever since I heard of it, from the whispers beforehand and the slow rise in coverage since. There are quite a few reasons why, and I'm sure that you can tell that some are better outlined by Cracked (link) than by me.

I will ignore, for a moment, the confusion of their message. I will try to dismiss their rousing cries of ... what? I don't actually know. Corporations are evil, down with the establishment, etc. I will try to ignore the lack of clarity in their messages. I will try to brush off the fact that they're protesting in places that aren't where the true root of the problem lies - these policies only come to effect in the place where the policies are put to vote, and D.C. seems kinda empty to me these days, in comparison. I do have some other issues with it, though.

I wonder if these protesters considered the people they would be impacting. Do they really think that corporate leaders are really inconvenienced by people in streets? Do they think corrupt government officials are stopped from making shady deals for campaign contributions by a blocked bridge, or people sleeping in parks? The people who are really impacted are those who work in the businesses around Wall Street - and all of the other cities they are occupying. Small businesses, or franchises. Restaurants. Gas stations. Cafes. How many people couldn't get to work, or were late, because of these people blocking their way? How many people may have risked losing their already precious jobs because their streets were Occupied?

I see the movement starting up in Pittsburgh. We are looking at many street closings, which affects a lot of people. It makes drives to work longer, which means people will have to leave earlier, or risk being to work later - if they have children to put on the bus or take to daycare at specific times, that extra traffic may be enough to put their jobs at risk. Goodness knows part-time positions are often on eggshells anyway, especially for single parents or low-income families, let alone when their buses have to sit in traffic for an extra hour because other people who either have the liberty to take off work to protest or already have lost their jobs or don't have them (regardless of where fault falls for that situation) made the decision to protest.

The inconvenience, the annoyance, the unnecessary stress. This is a small part of the problem I have with the movement. Not to mention that I spend a large portion of my free time looking at available jobs (for friends and family) and have seen quite a few jobs that could be filled by the people who are currently hanging out in parks, complaining about there being no jobs, right now (judge me all you want for thinking that, that's how I feel).

The rest of it? It lies in what protests do.

In many countries, protests can be effective. In places where there are extremely limited rights, where there is a dictatorship, where there is a totalitarian government. In third world, or second world countries. I get that. There may be no other way for them to accomplish their goals.

In the U.S.? Where we live? Bull. Shit.

We live in a place where a woman can easily own property, run a company, choose her spouse or to not have a spouse. We live in a place where people CAN go to school (and incur loans and debt, yes, but going to school is a choice) for whatever they want. We live in a place where in many parts of the country, poverty level still means you can eat, even if it's sparse. We can have an impact on our government. Every citizen can vote, regardless of their class or income level. People may not be granted free health insurance, but if they go to a hospital, they'll typically still get cared for, just like anyone else. If we speak out in protest, we aren't shot. Even the most severe of police interference in the Occupy protests have been nothing compared to the least of responses by military and police forces in countries with heavy protests against dictatorships.

In the U.S., the way you make CHANGE? It is not sitting in a park, eating communal meals with a whole bunch of people you barely know while complaining about the world around you. It is by becoming the change you want to see. If you want the next generation to do nothing but have sit-downs at the doors of businesses, sure, good on you. However, if you want to see corruption removed and you want to see people really change and things go the way you want, then you need to make it happen. Stop telling other people they have to do it. Become a person who can influence these things.

If you spent money on a degree that can't get you a job, then find another job. Work hard at it. Yeah, you might have nothing during that time. That sucks. I get it. But, you made that choice. No one will respect you for complaining about a choice you made. Change YOUR world. Do your friends have jobs? Do they have degrees that are useful? Maybe you need to talk to them, if they do, to find out how they did it right. Develop skills that you can use for things.

An entry-level administrative assistant job typically requires nothing more than good skills with computers and typing, decent spelling, and a high school diploma. Oh, and you'll have to follow a dress code (they suck, but hey, paycheck's a paycheck.) and be at work on time, every day you're supposed to work, or risk your job. You can get the same kind of thing making copies for companies like IKON, or doing document management at tons of companies. You could flip burgers at McDonald's. Work a little hard at it and try to show employers how whatever education you have might apply to the jobs they have. Make them believe you can do it, and that you'll really stick with it.

If you can work hard, and it shows, people will respect you more. Then, when you raise your voice, it gives you a leg to stand on. People who start out as hard workers are the ones who end up making real change.

I understand there are plenty of the people in the movement who have a real purpose. I understand that, and I want to respect what they're doing, but I can't help but think that maybe these people with no money, with kids to take care of, with no jobs, could be spending time taking care of those things or fixing those problems, instead of disrupting the rest of the 99% who are just trying to get by.

1955-2011

2011-10-06T07:00:00.001-07:00

There are a lot of things I would like to say about Steve Jobs. Most of them have already been said. He was a brilliant man who changed the world from his parent's basement. He was an inspiration for people who don't know where they're going or how they're going to get there, but they just DO things. Jobs never stopped going or trying. If every geek living in their basement was like Steve Jobs, the world would be a much better, more advanced and more amazing place than it already is.

There's some great things here: http://raincoastermedia.com/2011/10/05/goodbye-steve-jobs/

I will seriously miss his presence, and I hope his legacy never ends.

ETA: My "Remembering Steve" e-mail:

I have had a few Apple products. An iPad that I won in a raffle is the most recent, but there were two that were more important. For our first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a silver iPod Nano with the words "Happy Anniversary" on the back. I still have it, and will never replace it so long as it works. My first laptop was a Macbook. Just the cheapest, lowest cost white Macbook there was back in 2006, and it was refurbished, too. But, that computer kept me in contact with my husband for his whole deployment, and I only just gave in and sent it for recycling - the thing still worked, would you believe it?

I will remember Steve Jobs as a brilliant man who made a massive impact on the modern world. The last few decades have seen the change he made in the world. From the people, to business, to technology - he touched so many different aspects of what I see when I look around. I am proud to have been a part of a generation that had access to Apple products, and that was exposed to Steve's wisdom and creativity.

DC New 52 Survey

2011-09-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

Please take a minute to take this survey by Neilsen NRG: http://www.nielsennrg.com/dcsurvey regarding THE NEW 52.

My response to the "overall comments":

I think that there are a lot of great things about them, but some very bad things about them.

The new Batman continuity and connections with Nightwing is great - the story is good and the art is great. The new Action Comics and Detective Comics are fantastic. I have really enjoyed the majority of what I have picked up, ESPECIALLY the new Batwoman and Batgirl. I liked the new Superboy, but it's certainly an adjustment. Static Shock was fantastic.
Birds of Prey is decent, but Canary's costume is ridiculous and could use a serious revamp to something that doesn't look like she's a bike tire stripper.

Suicide Squad had potential, even with the storylines, but Harley Quinn's costume is way too whorish and distracting. Her weird poses don't fit with the rest of the things that are going on, and it's just disappointing.

As far as most of the comics go - Batman, Detective Comics, Action Comics, Nightwing, Static Shock, Superboy, etc., good job. I haven't gotten all of my copies of all of the comics (I'm waiting for the last week's releases), but all of the reviews support that the main comics are good. I loved all of the ones I've read so far.

The BIG fail was in the handling of female characters. I'm sure DC will hear about this forever, but even outside of Harley Quinn looking like an idiot and Canary's costume sucking, Catwoman and Red Hood and the Outlaws are nearly unforgivable.

I didn't buy either, because before I picked them up, I saw clips of them online that just ruined my interest. Starfire in a bikini, almost the whole time, posing for the reader and talking about emotionless, unattached sex? The bro-cheers from the other characters about having had sex with her? That's just wrong, dude.

And Catwoman. Those first two pages are just ridiculous. How many comics with Batman have started out with him nearly naked, not showing his face, and showing his butt getting shot at instead of the rest of him? I mean, come on. It was awful! Plus, as much as I love Batman and Catwoman, and I am totally okay with characters having sex, the final page of that comic was just so weirdly out of sync with what I know about Batman and so simply unnecessary... There are tons of blog posts out there on this subject. DC would do well to take a couple of hours of web searching and read them. The Mary Sue has mentioned it a ton of times.

On a positive note, though, I really liked Batgirl, although I wasn't sure about the miraculous fix of Barbara Gordon's paralysis, because she had real character insight and development. She was a real person, and I am hoping the rest of the issues keep up with it.

And Batwoman? AMAZING. I loved every single page of that comic, even though a few times I was confused by the story (lack of exposure to the character's history, primarily). The artwork was breathtaking, and there were scenes where women were nearly naked - and it wasn't obscene! I didn't feel like I was watching porn, I didn't feel uncomfortable. It's amazing how good it feels to look at a comic book page with women nearly undressed and not feel dirty about it. This was a beautifully executed book. The people you have working on Batgirl and Batwoman should be advising on the other comics with women in them, and DC should get more men and women on board just like them.

Overall, they need some work. But, when it was done right, it was done damn right!

My response to the last question:

I am excited about the reboot, since I have never really been around for the inception of a character or story. I've missed the first issues of almost every comic series I've picked up, but that didn't happen this time, so it was a very exciting event! I planned for it for months.

I am hoping that the continued issues keep me interested, and that the problems people have found with the new Catwoman and Red Hood stories will be fixed or at least addressed. I am really looking forward to most of what is happening with Batman (and the Bat-family) & Superman in their associated titles (Detective Comics, Batman, Action Comics, Superman, Superboy, Nightwing, etc.) and I'm looking forward to more Static Shock. I'm VERY much looking forward to Batwoman and Batgirl - I just hope the following issues stay true to the feel of the first issues, and don't fall to the same failures as Suicide Squad & the aforementioned "problem" stories.

It is awesome to be able to be a part of a new story. A lot of people hate reboots, but I am trying to see this as an opportunity for a new age in DC, and I just really want them to keep up with the times with the art, stories, social issues, and cultural standards.

I think DC needs to remember that their audience is wider now than ever, and they have to try to keep it that way. Not only do they have the oldest generations of readers, and the boomers, but they also have younger kids and teens into comics again thanks to the Superhero resurgence, and they probably have more female and minority readers than ever! They're doing alright on most fronts, but keeping female readers is harder than most other demographics. So, if DC wants us, they have to show it. As a female reader, I want DC to want me as a fan and paying customer!

The NEW 52 Reviews - Week 1 SPOILERS

2011-09-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

I picked up a set of the DC Universe NEW 52 releases this past week, and damn am I excited. I have never been around for the inception of a comic universe 'boot of any kind, and I'm still relatively new to the comic book world (a superhero fan forever, but '88-'00 wasn't too kind to superheroes except for some cartoons and hit-or-miss films). Now I'm gearing up for a whole new world, and I can't wait.

For reference, I get my comics at Duncan's Comics in Perrysville. It's a book store, too, with a sweet collection of novels and he also has some figurines & such.

Let's go in alphabetical order, for ease.

ACTION COMICS #1

I don't read a ton of Superman comics (I know! A sin!) but I do like the character. I particularly was excited to see Superman in denim and a t-shirt, and the art style in this issue reminds me a lot of the very old school comics I've skimmed. Four pages in, we get a pretty two-page spread of glowing-eyed Supes, and it made me happy. It looks good, it feels a little like red-Kryptonite Smallville-verse Clark Kent, except the good guy instead of the impulsive, potentially-bad guy.

Page 9 just made me cheer. This is smirky, clever Superman - something I haven't seen much of in the somewhat grittier versions I've read (Kingdom Come, Red Sun). Past the ads halfway through, we get to see Clark Kent. He's wearing too-big of clothes, living in a low-rent apartment. I like it, because I never saw that side of Kent, I only saw Daily Planet Kent. I am not too big a fan of the looks of Jimmy Olsen, though, but that's one thing I think I can ignore if we pick up the next issue, which I'm still on the fence about with the big list of comics I know for sure I'll be getting.

BATGIRL #1

I was hesitant about Batgirl because, although I loved Gail Simone's Birds of Prey series (which I just hit the last issue of, and it was awesome - more to come on that), I wasn't sure how I felt about going back in time and changing history to have Barbara Gordon as Batgirl post-Killing Joke. The general thing is that somehow she got through without being permanently paralyzed, it's three years later and she's moving out of her dad's place to be on her own and be Batgirl. And, for the most part, it's badass, and there are some flashbacks to Killing Joke that made me cringe. The main baddie is suitably creepy, and all of the bad guys are in general.

I like seeing the recovery from Killing Joke, and Barbara is a great Batgirl, but I miss her as Oracle and I am hoping that we'll see more of the real emotional introspection like we saw in Birds of Prey in later episodes. But, I'll be picking it up for sure to find out.

DETECTIVE COMICS #1

Oooh, shivers! I love Batman, mysteries, Gotham, and the Joker - and DETECTIVE COMICS delivers. The pure grit and violence of the first few pages had me in the story and had my rapt attention. The art is dirty in the way I think it should be, with blood spatters and dirty faces. And it is a mystery - I like that. It's not just like the Joker's announcing what he's doing this time, and that's fun! It's tricky.

The last panel just killed me. I am so excited, but also terrified, to see where this story goes. I recommend it 100%.

STATIC SHOCK #1

I picked up STATIC SHOCK for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which were: 1) younger hero, which always makes me excited, 2) Scott McDaniel worked on it - and while Scott is a friend, his work is gorgeous (good enough that I have a commissioned piece from him). It was worth it. It's very pretty, but it's got a lot of good substance to back it up, too.

A warning for anyone who does pick this issue up - it's science heavy, but it's for a reason. Establishing Virgil as the bright guy he is and showing that he really knows his stuff is important, and Scott assured me that the future issues will be a little more accessible, but it is most definitely a comic for geeks and for people who want real immersion in the way the world is working around and with Static.

I like Virgil, and I'm looking forward to learning more about him. I'll be picking up Issue #2 when it hits the shelves, because the last panel has me holding my breath!

There is nothing dirty about low-fives

2011-08-23T17:58:00.001-07:00

http://www.utne.com/Mind-Body/Dirty-Girls-Ministries-Evil-Female-Masturbation.aspx

This article just made me so angry.

Listen, I get that there are people with legitimate sexual addiction (just like some people are addicted to video games, food, and shopping, regardless of what the article says). I get that some people might want to reduce their masturbatory or pornography-viewing habits. These are both true things, and there's nothing wrong with it.

However, these people are senseless.

"For me, I found myself really clinging to certain personality types, those opposite of my dad," she says when she's back on. The assignment for this week, she tells the women, is to write down their sexual histories. "I know it's overwhelming, but don't be defeated by this," she says.

I just feel like this starts a whole opening for slut-shaming. Will the women who have had a lot of casual sex be treated differently - like they're more "dirty"?

"Whether you believe it or not, women are addicted to porn," Renaud preached in a recent sermon. "You'd be surprised at how many women—women in your own lives—are hiding this deep, dark, and dirty secret."

There's that word again. "Dirty." Unless you don't wash your downstairs, there's nothing dirty about masturbation. There's plenty of good things about masturbation! Look:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5263250/ns/health-sexual_health/t/not-just-good-good-you/

http://www.livestrong.com/article/13903-orgasm-benefits/

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,511503,00.html

http://www.menshealth.com/health/health-and-sexual-benefits-masturbation

http://www.womansday.com/Articles/Sex-Relationships/Sex/8-Surprising-Health-Benefits-of-Sex.html

Tah-dah! Look! It's not just craaazy ho-bags saying that sex is great for you! Even Lance Armstrong's LIVESTRONG organization is like, get laid! Have orgasms!

And you know what? Masturbating allows you to figure out what your body likes so that you have better orgasms, which lead to better sex and more orgasms during sex, which increase your likelihood of becoming pregnant (if you're into that sort of thing).

Renaud's advocacy is labeled antipornography, but it aims to treat all masturbation, whether it involves porn or not. When you peel back the layers, the core of her crusade is against sexual thought—even within marriage—unless those thoughts are about your husband while you are engaging in intercourse with him.

Why is this idea of women thinking about sex so horrible? What is wrong with a woman having fantasies? Having a strong, fulfilling sex life with your partner can make you less likely to cheat or become disinterested in them. Fantasizing about situations outside of your standard sex habits can spice up your sex life, open up new avenues for sex positions... There is a point where it can become excessive. If you can't think of your partner sexually anymore, yes, it's an issue. Otherwise, not so much.

Mental purity is a state of mind Renaud came to after years of struggle. When she was 10, she discovered a dirty magazine in her older brother's bathroom. She had never seen male genitalia before; she became increasingly curious and began to search for pornography. When she hit puberty, she says, her curiosity turned into compulsion, and she added masturbation to her porn-seeking behavior. At 15, she attended a Christian summer camp and heard the pastor talking about "a Father in heaven who loves you unconditionally regardless of what you do." From then on, she became active in the church and vowed to end her masturbation and porn habits.

At age 15, you know very little about sex and very little about yourself. As someone who spent a lot of time covertly (and not so covertly) looking at pornography and masturbating at an early age, I know now that a lot of that was 1) it felt really good, and 2) it was exposure to something deeply taboo. I have to wonder how much Renaud was exposed to sex, if she was allowed to watch PG-13 movies or was taught about sex properly. Oh, wait -

Renaud didn't date in high school, and she has never had a boyfriend. "I would love to find 'the one' and get married and start a family," she says. "When the time comes, God will bring him about, and it will happen." But in the meantime, she hopes more women will break free from their addiction to sexual stimulation and embark, with her, on a 12-step path to salvation.

How old is Ms. Renaud? I couldnt' find it anywhere. But how can you speak about women's sexuality and say you were addicted to sexual stimulation without ever having a boyfriend or dating or experiencing what sexual stimulation is outside of masturbation? How can she counsel these women without ever experiencing or truly understanding what they're going through as an adult?

Dirty Girls member Amy Christine Proctor, a self-described addict and a flight attendant from Colorado, started masturbating while she was visiting chat rooms on AOL. Unmarried and a virgin at 30, Proctor has struggled with her sexual identity since puberty, believing her same-sex thoughts are a sin. Last year, she says, she was masturbating almost daily, sometimes twice a day. To rehabilitate herself, she became an active member of Dirty Girls Ministries and started driving two hours to attend a 12-step program for sex addicts called Heart to Heart. But when she realized the masturbation was stemming from underlying sexual-identity issues, she switched to a program called Where Grace Bounds that deals with "sexual brokenness and homosexuality," while remaining an active member of the Dirty Girls forums.

This makes me so sad. So, so very sad. It says in the next paragraph that Proctor still has relapses, and I am so sorry to hear that she feels so guilty and so badly about sexuality and sex and masturbation. My feelings on same sex thoughts aside, the term "sexual brokenness" just makes me nervous. What are they referring to? A lot of the newsletters from Where Grace Abounds (Not "Where Grace Bounds" - there is no such organization) speak about sexual abuse, but it sounds mostly like they're saying that you're not wholesome if you're a homosexual and that you need to become holy by purifying your sexuality. Yes, masturbation daily to twice-daily can interfere with your life, but feeling guilty about sex and denying your own sexual identity could make it worse.

Many have viewed their masturbation habits as products of emotional burdens or past traumas, and they describe the rehab process as therapeutic. They say they have found support, community, and friendship in Renaud's group and feel relieved to finally discuss the taboo subject freely

If their dependence on sex is based on emotional burdens or past traumas, those things should be identified by a psychologist and proper therapy should be prescribed. Rehab could be helpful. Support groups are GREAT. But I have to wonder if a lot of the benefits of these programs have more to do with being able to talk about their issues and speak about something that is typically so repressed.

Sex therapist Betty Dodson, for example, believes the word addiction belongs only in the substance-abuse category and sees labeling sexual desire as addiction as a form of manipulation. "This is going to mess them up, because now whenever they have any kind of desire to read about sex or look at images of sex, it's going to be accompanied by guilt," she says. "And guilt is the most worthless thing on the planet. People are manipulated by it through religion all the time."

Yes, yes, and YES. At least someone here is sensible. Shaming people or building up guilt within them regarding sex does nothing less than harm. How many people who have felt guilty over sex have contemplated or committed suicide or self harm? It's so damaging.

One forum commenter married at 19 in the hope that pious matrimonial intercourse would rid her of her sinful thoughts—only to find that during sex with her husband, she would have the same fantasies. "I cannot cleanse my mind of these images," she says. "I try so hard to focus on my husband only, but my thoughts are so warped."

This is so sad. Getting married early hoping it will reduce your "sinful thoughts" may be more of a problem than the thoughts themselves! It's such an unhealthy reason to get married. It's possible she has no interest in her husband, or that she's not having orgasms or that she feels SO guilty about thinking about sexually stimulated things that she doesn't communicate with her husband, leaving both of them unsatisfied. Speaking to her husband about it might help them find some sort of compromise with her fantasies, or help him find out how to make her feel good, but if she's this ashamed of it, she might never be willing to talk to him.

So many of these women sound so lost and so alone. The support system is a good idea, and some women may need REAL rehabilitation, but repeating how dirty and wrong it is to think of sex, and insisting that women can't have fantasies or enjoy pornography (women-friendly porn does exist and even regular porn can help people get more of what they want out of their regular relationships) is terrible. Masturbation can be so good for you. It's just a matter of moderation!

How about instead of telling women they're "dirty", we start teaching them how to enjoy sex in a healthy way and how to masturbate in a constructive way? Why don't we create more sexually-focused media that is female-positive?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this article and the general subject.

Drops

2011-08-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

Palms up and waiting

eyes closed for the rain to fall,

fingertips tingling and

licked lips tasting the moist air,

a harsh breath in.

Is it H₂O we're waiting for,

something to quench the drought

and to rinse off last night's dust?

That liquid gold most valuable

inside and outside of the trappings of

human skin?

Or is it the sky green, silver lining,

pieces of metal and smiling presidents -

fluttering and tinking to celebrate victory,

filling purses and fixing broken bodies like

armor against piercing poverty?

Cry out Make it rain! to gods or another man,

bring the showers,

pour down

rain.

Embrace the Cute

2011-08-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

There was a super long period of time in which I determined that I absolutely hated cute things because cute things represented girliness and femininity and those things were bad. It didn't matter if I enjoyed them or thought that they were cute, I would still hate the idea of them and I hated people knowing I liked them. They were a sign of immaturity, and being girly on its own is a weakness, let alone with the added negative of childishness.

It's a shame.

It's where my hatred for pink developed - a hatred I'm slowly getting rid of by reframing pink. But recently...

Well, anyone on the meme-side of the internets or who watches Colbert Report regularly has heard of "Bronies" and Bill Clinton+NPR fans may have heard Past-Pres. Clinton discussing "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic".

This show. Is. So. FANTASTIC.

I had been observing Bronies memes on memebase for a while, and finally just broke down and watched an episode on Youtube, and now I can't stop watching it (I'm on ep. 14). I suggest to everyone to take a half hour and watch an episode, and just give it a chance.

It's made by the people who made Powerpuff Girls and Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends (Including Lauren Faust, who is awesome), and it's hilarious. I laugh out loud regularly watching it, and the jokes are sometimes more grown up, and sometimes just outright good ageless humor. And get this:

It is freakin' CUTE.

There is pink and purple and cupcakes and sparkles and flowers and tiaras and it is just girly goodness all around with princesses and dresses and magic AND IT IS STILL AWESOME. I have had so much fun watching this show and even though some scenes have nigh-blinding amounts of sparkling gooeyness, I still love it - and so do all the Bronies.

Twilight Sparkle (the main character) is kind of a tool, but has her funny moments, like literally standing on a soapbox to talk about how awesome magic is.

Applejack is awesome, but Apple Bloom is way cuter and more hilarious.

I love Fluttershy - she's adorable and shy.

Rainbow Dash is a dick, but yeah, rainbows. <3

Rarity is awesome and there's something about a pony sewing that makes me giggle.

And Pinkie Pie. OMG PINKIE PIE. So random - and it's said multiple times in the show - and it's awesome that when she breaks into song, the other characters respond with "is she really doing this?"

It's awesome. It's cute. And, I'm pretty sure it's giving me a window into recovering from negative attitudes toward cuteness.

Lately

2011-08-03T08:15:00.001-07:00

News on the Brie Front:

Joined Toastmasters (thanks to Annie & Tyler) just this past week, and acted as Toastmaster for the meeting last week for the first time. Here is their very nice website. What does the Toastmaster do at the meeting? Well, here is some very detailed information. Normally someone who has been around longer does it, but I'd already been to four meetings, and no one else was available to fill the spot, and I had a topic, so there it went.

My topic was Roleplaying. I got a lot of great feedback, even though I was nervous as hell. A large excerpt from my opening intro:

Every weekend I get together with my friends to play RPGs – roleplaying games (not rocket-propelled grenades, although that might be pretty fun). We sit around a table with character sheets and roll dice to see if we can defeat monsters, rescue damsels in distress, or undo magical traps that might melt our faces off if we fail. We all have "stats" – defined attributes like Charisma, Strength, and Wisdom – which we use to calculate our successes. It sounds really dorky, I know, but it's a great time, and lets us play roles we never could in real life – from knights to angry trolls.
...
In real life, though, people play roles every day. There is the role of a parent, or an engineer, or even the role of a friend when someone is in need. There are people in real life who play the roles of heroes and villains – just watch the news, and you'll see people lining up to play a part. There are firefighters and policemen, but there are also terrorists and criminals. In real life, we don't roll a die to see if we succeed. We just do it.

I was pretty pleased with it. At the meetings, it is customary for everyone to shake hands as they come up to speak, and before they sit back down. Since shaking hands in front of people makes me feel super nervous, I instead had everyone roll a D20. It was an adjustment for some people, weirded some people out, but lots of people had fun with it.

I also had the opportunity the weekend before that to introduce a strange kid to gaming. At Borders during their closing sales, I was reading over the GM guides in Pathfinder and Vampire: The Masquerade (I think that's the one) and a kid who plays "tons of RPGs on [his] DS" walked over with his mom, and they were looking at the books, but a little confused by the concept (even though the mom said her husband used to play). I gave them the general run down, and the kid ended up putting an entire book series back on the shelf in order to pick up the Players Handbook and Core Rulebook for D&D 4.0.

I think gaming is really fun. I think it's helped me build some good friendships/acquaintanceships. I think it's made me better with people. It's also given me the chance to get away from the everyday, and that's fantastic.

Over the next couple weeks on my break from school, I'm practicing building characters and putting together some backups for our different systems we play. I'm reading the GM manuals. It's hopefully going to keep me getting geared up! I'll also be working on Toastmasters stuff, too, prepping for my first speeches.

Oh, and watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Why no God?

2011-07-29T09:44:00.001-07:00

It's hard to not think about religion.

I'm surrounded by it every day. I know that other people are religious; there are at least 7 churches within the bounds of the town I live in (a town with a population of less than 10K, around 7,000 in 2009). I habitually thank "God" for things, people ask me to pray for them constantly, and I know a lot of people who are very devout.

I don't begrudge them this, not at all. However, it keeps it in my mind, and makes me even more socially awkward. For example, I was Jesus-bombed the other day.

A Jesus-bomb, for those of you not aware of the term (that I may or may not have made up), is when a religious person says something in conversation that is so overtly religious that it puts a non-religious person in a state of unease. For example, if you are having a bad day, and someone responds to your stress with "It's okay, God loves you."

I was leaving work, and chatting to someone in an elevator (longest one-floor elevator ride ever, btw) about the long, busy day. I was saying how my day had been pretty stressful, but he said his had been pretty short, "Thank God. Some day, He's all we have to be thankful for." Bam. There it was. I didn't want to be rude, but there was a hanging spot where a response was required, so I ended up saying the most awkward, over-enthusiastic "YEAH" I think I've ever said. It came out like the opening to the Beastie Boys' "Fight for Your Right", and it made the conversation rapidly devolve into "yeah, weather, uh huh."

I felt bad. I still do. I feel like there was something better to say, but I feel guilty allowing people to believe that I'm religious, as well.

At family dinners, we always say grace before dinner. I always keep my eyes open - something that once prompted a dinner guest (an open atheist) to ask me during prayer, "Are you an athiest?" I'm not really an athiest, I go with agnostic because it's more fitting to my actual spiritual (?) leanings.

However, I have still said prayer at dinner with my family, even after my "official" change of religious status. I justify this as praying on behalf of my family - that I am just a conduit for them, and if they believe it and it keeps their faith, I'm fine with that. I do tend to avoid using "God" in the prayer, and instead use "hope" or "wish" in place of "pray" or "ask".

Does that make me a bad agnostic? Does such a thing exist?

It's not that I firmly believe there is no god (big or little 'G'), it's more that I don't know if there is one, and normally I err on the side of "can't hurt" with this kind of thing, but for some reason, having faith doesn't work for me. I can't believe in the Christian God, because there is no proof and I believe too much in humanity and the goodness of people to say "yeah, all this good stuff, it happens because of some dude in the sky", and YES I realize it's far more complex than that.

I wouldn't say I don't strictly believe there is no higher power, either. I don't really believe or have faith in anything. I feel a lack of security in fact and I am the kind of person who believes what I see.

It's funny that I believe more in ghosts than in god, but it's because I have had more experiences that lend me to believe in ghosts - even if they are a fabrication of chemical mixups that cause hallucinations, they're still something I perceived, and what do I have but perception? No one else was there to disprove it, and it's happened more than once, and even a few times other people percieved it as well. Mass hallucination? I don't know.

I know some people need faith, and I know the value of it, but I often feel like people use God (or religion in general) to remove responsibility from their actions - it's not them that did the good thing or bad thing, it's God. God inspired them, God made them, they have an obligation. I just wish people would be responsible for it, and I think that's part of the reason why it doesn't work for me. I want to be responsible for my good things, and if I blame the bad things I do on God (or Satan, or negative energy, whatever), I can't take ownership of the good, either.

tl;dr:

Try not to Jesus-bomb.

Faith is cool and all, but I just don't have it.

Still figuring things out.

Bad Days

2011-07-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

I'm having a bad day today.

At first, I thought there was not a reason, but upon reflection, I realized that there are a couple of them.

The first is that, in spite of my cute new shoes, I'm mad at my hair and my nails and my skin for being awful and terrible. I'm mad I didn't put on better makeup today. I'm frustrated with always feeling less pretty than all of the girls in the office. It's a little awful.

The second is to do with an event I had been starting the first phases of planning for a friend. I was super excited about it, and really thought it would work out, but I found out that I had to work with other people (family of friend) to plan it (since they'd already started planning without really telling anyone), and that's where the roadblock started. They wanted to hold the event at x date, but after discussion with my friend, it was determined that was a crappy time and that sooner would be better financially, emotionally, and physically for her. The only downside is that it would exclude one family member. I didn't think this was that big of a deal - it was one person, albeit a close family member, but in the same way I wouldn't expect my sister to change the date of an event just because I couldn't make it, I thought that the other parties would understand since it is an event for my friend specifically.

However, when I presented this idea, the response was that they would now hold their own event, and we could hold our party when we wanted, which just caused further issues. If this were the case, my friend would have to attend three events (since she has one in another state, and we had wanted to have in PA), including one at the inconvenient time. I made the horrible error of trying to determine if it would be okay with my friend to do this, and it ended up causing her a lot of stress, and I feel incredibly guilty.

Now, I find myself frustrated at myself for stressing out my friend, frustrated endlessly with the opposing parties, and also frustrated with the one person who might be able to help me resolve this (spouse of friend) who I kind of feel could be throwing more into this, but yet I also feel guilty for asking him to do it at all. I'm super pissed at the other parties because now, instead of having one nice event for my friend, I am guessing what will happen is that they will have their event, and I'll no longer be involved in the planning and I would not expect to be included in the event itself, because my friend now thinks it's too much stress to argue with the other parties.

What drama! It just reminds me more why I often don't like working with other people, especially people who I feel are being kind of selfish and honestly should have been willing to compromise even in the slightest (something they haven't given any indication of). All their reaction did was make me not really want to work with them on this (because of their adamant and immediate negative response to holding the joint event), and instead making me not want to interact with them at all.

I blame myself for it most of all, because I should have known better than to try to work with other people on something. Upon finding out that other people (her family) were planning, I should have backed off and left it alone (because family trumps friends in all instances, especially in traditional families - it's not proper to ask to be included). Now I feel like I've ruined this, and damaged my relationship with my friend and her spouse, as well as her family, and feel like I should have just stayed in my proper place.

I made a terrible mistake, and then followed it up with even more mistakes. As much as I hate backing down, and I hate not talking things out with people and fixing problems and telling them how I honestly feel, I'm going to let this go, and I'm going to let them plan their event, and I will not be involved at all. I'm disappointed, and I feel like I let my friend down, but I feel like I would do worse by trying to keep going.

Shame sits deep.

"Girl" Power

2011-07-24T17:54:00.000-07:00

Realizations can be abrupt and often, disconcerting.

I had a realization recently that I cannot refer to myself as a "woman". Occasionally I get away with "lady", "chick", or "dudette". Most of the time, though, it's "girl".

I also have a habit of falling into calling other people girls, or I do the "throw like a girl", "that's too girly" crap that makes me feel ashamed as a female. I think there's something here to think about.

I know I have misogynistic tendencies - a result of cultural influence, familial influence, and more than anything, my own self-loathing. I hate the things that I suffer for being female - PMS, menstruation, difficulty finding clothes, clothes that are twice as expensive as men's, disdain from women, disrespect from men, being treated like I'm fragile or being told I should be stronger to further the agendas of career women and "strong" females. The thought that I should be more liberal because my gender should only ever support the same things as the other females.

I struggled very much with removing one of the major "markers" of femininity - my ability to reproduce, procreate, whatever you call it. I'm a "bad" person because other people can't do it, and I gave up my ability. The thing is, though, if it wouldn't damage my body and possibly put me into even worse health, I would gladly give up all of my reproductive organs to no longer have to menstruate and feel the pain of being female and suffer the impact on my body. But that's wrong. I shouldn't do that, because women should respect their uterus and ovaries like gifts from God.

I cringe at the thought of wearing pink even when I want to wear it, because it's too "girly" and too feminine and I don't like being feminine. It's a weakness. "Strong women" are not what I see when I look at pop culture and the women who are strong are frowned upon by men and women alike.

It's not really a man's world. It's the world of elitists and people who think that we must conform to some sort of gender or cultural ideals. These people who think that we should be just like everyone else, because those other people are better. They are the people who make me unable to call myself a woman, because I cannot be what a woman is in my mind, because the idea of a woman is so skewed and so, so destructive to who I am, that I cannot be it.

Maybe if I can change the world, I'll be a woman someday.

Musings - Broken Glass and Other People's Happiness

2011-07-06T15:41:00.001-07:00

Broken Glass

A friend today mentioned on twitter how she'd broken a dinner plate and how it upset her. It got me thinking a little bit about the simple impact of a broken thing.

When I break something, whether it's an electronic device, thread on my clothes, or one of my dishes or glasses, I immediately get incredibly upset and cry. Once, while TGW was gone, I got upset and threw some sort of trinket against the wall and destroyed it. I was depressed for days over it, and I still cringe a little when I think about it. It can be something super cheap and can mean nothing, but the moment it breaks, I feel awful.

I have tried to figure out why this is the case. It's not like I have some sort of history of parents throwing things and them breaking to leave me with this feeling (which I have heard can be a cause), but it just makes me feel so very horrible. I know part of it is because of the intense value I place on material objects.

I am trying to learn that material things are just that - materials, not the actual instrinsic value that I have applied to them, but I still use physical things to remember things I would otherwise forget, and they help me hold on to myself when I need grounding. I don't think there's anything wrong with loving stuff, but it is hard to handle things breaking when they do.

Other People's Happiness

I've been working on this whole "being happy" thing. It's incredibly difficult, in case you didn't know. However, I've been getting a little better (I think), and I feel a little less depressed and a little less angry some of the time. Which is an improvement. But there's more work to do, and I've found that there's something seriously interfering with it.

Other people being unhappy.

I don't like when other people are unhappy. I don't like when other people are angry or depressed or bitter. I don't like when other people reject change and complain. The same people who tell me I need a better attitude are the people who bring ME down when I'm trying to feel better.

So, I try to figure out ways to make them happy. I say things about good things, or neutral things, and sometimes it's okay, but then when I least expect it, there's this massive wave of negativity - monsoon, more like - swooping around me and washing away my small bits of positive moods. When I work super hard on something and I really am trying to make it go well, and everyone just constantly whines about it or complains or rejects it, or even when they just ignore it because they don't care, it makes it so hard to keep trying.

When I am having a good day, my friends' days suck. When I get a task done at work, everyone else is overloaded. It's like the moment I start to feel good, everyone else feels bad, then I feel bad. Or, I feel embarassed because my good feelings make me excited or overenthusiastic and people give me that look like I'm being annoying or like I'm purposefully overinflating my good mood (which I rarely do).

It's just been really getting to me. I wish I could help.

On NY

2011-07-01T08:07:00.000-07:00

I personally am super happy to see that NY has finally legalized gay marriage. It's a great move.

However, I can't help but feel that a lot of comments from people about how "it means nothing unless the federal government recognizes it" are so frustrating. You know why?

The federal government should have no involvement in who you marry. I honestly wish they'd just get out of it, and let the states do their thing. I don't think the government should be able to tell someone they can't marry their best friend (regardless of gender). It's one thing on a state level - that, at least, people have more control over, and it's easier to solve if your state won't recognize it (as inconvenient and sucky as moving is, if you'd do it for a great job, it'd be worth it if marriage was important enough).

One of the things that REALLY made me happy is that there were Republicans pushing for this. Roy McDonald won me over for not only being sensible, but also for saying "fuck". Made my day! It's not just Democrats or Libertarians that understand the importance of freedom of marriage. I just am hoping more Republicans get the courage to stand up for what they really believe, even if they only agree with it because they don't give a crap either way!

Reviews - Salt of the Earth

2011-06-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

salt of the earth

TGW and I went to Salt of the Earth a couple weeks ago, and it was pretty darn fantastic. We had a really excellent time - we got to sit next to the kitchen and watch the food being made, and the service was great. They also have family-style seating (benches and big tables).

I started with their White Whisky, which blew my mind. There are very few drinks in the world that hit me hard like this, and man - it tasted delicious and hit the back of my throat like fire. Loved it.

TGW had an IPA.

The chefs/cooks here are awesome. They even were telling a bunch of the patrons about what the food was, which was really cool.

I liked the silverware...

I then had the Punch, which was fruity and had huge chunks of pineapple in it.

We had the Sea Scallops, which were to die for. Like, holy deliciousness. Buttery, and the crisp (like, literally - I think it was freeze dried) lettuce was wonderful. Everything about this appetizer made me happy.

We also had the snails, which were good - and I liked the sauce quite a bit. However, I found that, like veal, snails are a little too rich for me.

TGW had the Salmon, which was cooked perfectly and even I liked it! I loved the avocado with it - a really great combo.

I had the Flank Steak, which I could eat every day for the rest of my life. Seriously. It was perfectly cooked, and the chimchurri was lovely.

I then had the Bourbon, which I think is one of my favorite drinks ever. It was so creamy and smooth - the egg white really made such a difference. I would go back to Salt just for this drink... well, and the steak, and scallops, and... everything.

For dessert, we had the White Chocolate. It's described as having lavender, honey, argan, and pistachio. I am not typically a fan of white chocolate, but it was really amazing, especially with the sweet honey and pistachios. The lavender was light, but it was there. Definitely worth a try if you like custard-like textures and creaminess. Yum!

I also had their Vodka cocktail, which is hands-down amazifying. There are rose petals in it, and it's like drinking a flower - in a good way! It's just sweet enough and just light enough that it went wonderfully with the dessert, and really refreshed me for the end of the meal.

I would certainly recommend Salt to anyone. It's a high price point, but I really think it was worth it, and waiting many months to go was tough, but I think in the end, it was a great place to celebrate.

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ALL CONTENT WITHIN THIS BLOG AND ANY OF THE ALTERNATE SITES LINKED ARE SUBJECT TO FAIR USE UNDER U.S. COPYRIGHT LAWS. THE OPINIONS AND CONCLUSIONS WITHIN THIS BLOG ARE THOSE OF THE AUTHOR ONLY, UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED, AND ARE NOT INTENDED TO REPRESENT ANY CORPORATION OR OTHER ENTITY.

Reviews - Pure and Simple Bistro

2011-06-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

We went to Pure and Simple Bistro a couple weeks ago on a whim, and I was pleased to see that it was a good choice. The atmosphere is really comfy (albeit chilly for me), with fresh flowers, and a kind of down-home, low-key decor that I liked.

I had hot tea for a drink, and it was Salada, which I was surprised by, but it was comforting and warm, with a really cute mug and square plate. I'm a sucker for cute dishes.

They serve cool water in a milk jug - awesome!

The shrimp and grit fritters were a spectacular start to the meal. I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed them. The grits offer a different texture than what I expected, but they were flavorful, and the chile sauce was sweet and spicy.

TGW had their Ginger BBQ Chicken, which was delicious. The BBQ sauce on this stuff is spicy and sweet and really rich with flavor.

I had the Seared Ahi Salad, which had fresh fruit (blueberries and strawberries!) and the tuna was perfectly seared. It also had a vinaigrette which was particularly tangy.

For dessert, we had their special ice cream tasters: Bourbon (I think both of us had this as a favorite - amazing), Mint Green Tea (super refreshing, wow!), Avocado (smooth, creamy, and a favorite of mine), Lemon Ginger (tangy and fresh), Balsamic (surprising! I loved it - it was like a creamy balsamic dressing only as ice cream!), and the bizarre one of the bunch: White Cheddar, which took us until the last few bites to figure if we liked it or not. If you're a big white cheddar fan, you'd probably like it, but it was a little too pungent for us, even though it was an interesting taste test!

Pure and Simple was really that - really simple. It has a southern-style menu that's kicked up a notch with some really interesting flavor combinations, it's not too expensive and the atmosphere is comfortable and relaxing, and I really like the feel that these were just people like me running a restaurant. There's something about it that makes me feel like I am at home with my own personal chef! I fully recommend stopping by next time you're out by Cinemark Robinson.

THOUGHTY LOGO © JOHN W. SHELDON 2010. USED WITH PERMISSION. UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION STRICTLY PROHIBITED.

Breaking Old Habits

2011-06-13T08:11:00.001-07:00

On my to-fix list (aside from all the stuff in our house that is broken):

1) I need to learn to allow myself my judgements, but keep them more private, and learn that just because people are similar to the people who put me down, hurt me, and lied to me, doesn't mean they are the same people. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I am so incredibly afraid of people, even now, years after middle and high school when I was lied about and put down and bullied, and years after I left behind the people who were really screwing with my life.

I have good people in my life now, but new people are always a struggle, and I have a lot of trouble trusting. Part of the reason why I am always so honest (to a fault) about my feelings and thoughts is because I am worried someone will eventually find out what I keep secret, and use it against me or decide they hate me because of that. I'm afraid if I keep secrets, they'll haunt me, and they'll ruin my life, because secrets never stay secrets.

I have recently said and done some things I'm kind of ashamed of - in spite of the happy things in my life, there is a piece of me that is angry all the time, and it bursts out of me and makes me a person I don't want to be. I'm doing the things I'm supposed to in order to deal with it, but sometimes, I just can't help but let it out. It hurts me than the people I'm angry at, and puts everything that I care about at risk.
(Note: I'm not doing anything illegal.)

2) I need to get better at caring about what I think. About everything. I have a tendency to tell myself that how I feel or what I think doesn't matter. If I feel pretty when I wake up in the morning, by the middle of the day I've convinced myself that I was wrong, in order to make sure I'm not disappointed if it's not true. If I think I did a good job on a homework assignment or work task, before I can even tell someone about it to share my excitement, I start devolving into telling myself how unimportant it is or how I am going to fail because I just lied to myself about it being good.

This past Friday, I had a GREAT achievement that I was so incredibly excited about, and I still am, but there is a part of me trying to convince myself that I am going to ruin it, and that I didn't deserve it.

It is so damaging. I don't know how to trust my own feelings about myself, and I care so much about other people accepting me that I can't accept myself without their approval. I am so afraid to fail that I am pretty sure I'm causing myself to fail at things that are important to me.

3) I need to treat myself better. My body is not just unfit right now. It's breaking down because I am not making the best choices with my diet or exercise, and because I'm not allowing myself to destress and I don't do things I want to try to be better because I'm scared. My mind is scattered because I stopped doing the things that I should be doing. I don't read enough, I don't sleep enough, and I don't say "no" when I should. In my desperate attempt to be liked, to be available, I've filled my schedule too much, and I end up hating the idea of socializing, even though I have fun when I do.

I need to make some changes. My life is constantly in upheaval, changing and never staying the same, and I have to change how I deal with change, and learn to make stability happen when I need it.

One more step to happiness, to courage, to strength. I'll get there.

A short excerpt from my story

2011-06-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a horror story that is, yes, first-person and the main character is me, but it's an alt-verse. This is one of my favorite parts, so I'd like to share it with you.

The neighbor does something, but I don't see what it is, and Hank yelps and jumps out of the way. I jump back, but I fall onto the swing. I can't steady myself, but the neighbors hands are real steady on my neck, and I can see the pain again. The neighbor is uglier than sin when he doesn't have any skin, and his screaming insides are burning me all over. This time my breath isn't choking me, but his palms crushing my windpipe feel like a vice.

Hank is barking all bright in the background and John is blazing like propane torches, pulling the neighbor off of me and shoving the guy over the porch side. We forget him for a moment while John tries to make sure I'm not dead, I think, but once I'm breathing, he goes to check on the other guy. The neighbor just dusts himself off, waves politely, and walks away.

As always, this is my work, so please feel free to share it, with proper credit.

-Brie

Thor, X-Men: First Class and Easy A

2011-06-10T18:40:00.001-07:00

These'll be quick ones: MINOR SPOILERS!

Thor was super fun. Was the plot incredible? Not nearly as amazing as Chris Hemsworth's pecs, but it was entertaining. I loved the effects, and it was nice to see Natalie Portman in a fun, less serious role that didn't leave her wooden and uninteresting. Kat Dennings was adorable. Chris Hemsworth was very convincing as Thor, and all in all, I think it's worth seeing.

Easy A was hilarious, well-written, and the acting was great. I enjoyed every bit of the movie, and man, Emma Stone is brilliant. Also, I will never stop loving Amanda Bynes. I don't think it's possible. It's a great take on what it's like to be ostracized as a teenager, and how to come out of it in a better place than most of us did.

X-Men: First Class was... amazing. Seriously. I loved the hell out of this movie. I missed Patrick Stewart, I really did, but I think that James McAvoy did a great job as Charles Xavier, and Michael Fassbender made me lustier than a bar wench staring at a bag of gold coins. I didn't like Moira MacTaggart any more than I do in the comics (and as always, Mystique was appropriately hate-able), I love love LOVE Banshee (Caleb Landry Jones, who should be in more) and Havoc (Lucas Till = genuine cutie), and adored Darwin (played by Edi Gathegi, who I love in EVERYTHING he is in), and found that the kid playing Beast (Nicholas Hoult) actually had the chops for it.

Kevin Bacon made me hate him the minute I saw him, and it was appropriate, so good job. The effects were good, the story changes were appropriate for an audience unaware of the background, and I found it to be a really fun film altogether. I intend to watch it again and buy it for sure. I hope there is much more to come from this set of actors in this story. Also, (potential spoiler!)
BEST HUGH JACKMAN CAMEO EVER.

So that's that. Awesome.

News & Such

2011-06-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

News:

Homosexuality, Zombies, and the CDC - You know, of late, the CDC has been restoring my faith in government organizations that don't suck. They provide useful and engaging information a lot of the time, and presenting disaster preparedness from a Zombie prevention point of view, while it's not new, is a brilliant idea. It's also good to see that their response to the higher rate of risky behavior in homosexual teens is not because there's something "wrong" with them, but because of their environment.

Weiner's Weiner - I cannot even tell you how tired I am about seeing this in the news. For me, it's a big case of yup, he's human, and a little stupid, but just punish him and leave it. All it's doing is causing more people to have less respect for our government - and it's not unwarranted.

In more serious political news, Obama and Chrysler - I'm just going to put this here.

No big surprise - Katie Couric wants to be the next Oprah. Yet another show that I won't be watching. I never liked Oprah's show and I didn't particularly like Oprah the person, so considering I don't really care about Couric, I don't think I'll have particular leanings to watching her show. I'll stick with Ellen, thanks.

Gaddafi & NATO, Israel, Syria - I will be the first to admit that I have completely lost track of everything going on in other countries involving revolts, revolutions, protests and politics. I do know enough to say that this is a big deal, and I just want what is best for the people in the countries that are in uproar. I don't know what is the best for them, but I can hope that they will find it and that fewer lives will be lost over the next few months.

There have been a lot of natural disasters lately that I can't comment on in detail, including the tornados all through the US, the volcano in Chile and just so many other things - the most I can say is that my thoughts truly are with these people, and I am hoping that everything can be recovered.

Entertainment Junk:

Expect to see reviews (brief ones) of Thor, X-Men: First Class, and Easy A upcoming. Plus, an excerpt from the story I'm working on.

Personal:

So, as far as personal news goes, I have 17 days until vacation and I recently became the aunt to yet another small being. My brother & his wife had a little boy a couple days ago, and he is small and looks like an old man, as expected. Had a lot of fun visiting friends and family lately, but I'm definitely feeling the wipe-out that comes with a busy schedule. School is hectic and I wish I had less trouble with tests.

(Note: If my HTML is broken, I apologise - I'll be doing a blanket fix at the end of the month.)

Re: Article Dump

2011-06-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

Just some things to share:

First and foremost: USDA is releasing a replacement for the Food Pyramid (tomorrow, June 2), which is a plate. It goes along with their new Dietary Guidelines. Aside from the fact that this is just about the only thing good that's come of the "Let's Move" movement, a lot of it is just common sense, so I'm happy about that. What does irritate me is the emphasis on low-or-non-fat milk. I honestly believe that when I drank more whole milk, I was healthier, and it helped me maintain a lower weight. I don't drink nearly as much as I should anymore, partially because it tends to upset my stomach. I was full more, and ate a lot less junk food.

That's Church - Random n'at - I could go through this line-by-line and tell you how much I agree with virtually everything PittGirl is saying here, but that would be a waste of time. I read her blog because, more often than not, I agree with her completely, and this post is no exception.

Things the NYTimes doesn't say - This is interesting. I like the notation - "Avoid: Decidedly". I wonder how many newspapers have this?

"Brave" - Future Pixar film - I have a little excitement over this. It could be a fun one!

Great cake pictures from Cake Wrecks of Sunday Sweets for Memorial Day. Always a fun thing to check out on Sundays!

Do you have secrets that you want to keep, just because? I will admit that I, like everyone else, have some things that I keep close to the chest - for example, most people know I look at pornography on my downtime (both for research - you can learn a lot about common preferences by what's popular in porn, as well as new positions! = and for recreation), but I don't think I'd prefer to share what kind with the public.
I also don't openly talk about certain subjects with certain people, as a means of keeping the relationships from being damaged, so that means that some of my opinions aren't public - this is actually recent, though. Too many people got unreasonably upset about things, and I just didn't want to have to deal with that. I just had to accept that I can't speak to all of the people I know freely, and that was a disappointing experience. It's made me very wary of sharing certain things - for example, up until this past weekend, my primary manager had no idea what my second job was, and I felt guilty about that every moment.

How to Use Ramen in Every Meal Without Getting Sick of It - Thought this might be useful for just about anyone who ever has to go on the cheap.

Your commute is contributing to your unhappiness. And your unhealthiness. I feel like this is totally not news, but it's something people really need to remember.

What is your college major worth? I'm sure mine won't be worth epic bucks, but it's better than nothing, and I at least know I should be able to wade through instead of drowning. Often, all that matters is having a related degree, and even though my degree is Liberal Arts, it's more applicable to organizational, business, and personal consulting than many degrees I've seen. Plus less math requirements, so, yeah.

Dealing with Changes - The Good and the Bad

2011-05-16T11:29:00.001-07:00

My world is constantly changing.

I don't know of any time my life has stayed the same for longer than a few weeks. There's constantly changes, upheaval, adjustments, new responsibilities, new projects. It's never-ending. It's sometimes exhausting, and it wears on me.

It's not that I don't understand the value of change, or that I don't like some of the changes. It's not that sometimes I don't change things on purpose. It's just that it can be tiring. It can be difficult to adjust. It can be frightening.

New changes for me include the many reorganizations, moves, relocations, reassignments and goodbyes I've been experiencing at day-job. It's like I can't hold onto a person for longer than a couple months, and then suddenly, they're gone. Any relationships I've worked hard to build seem like they just disappear in a cloud of smoke, because maintaining a relationship when someone moves to a new group or a new building and is suddenly overwhelmed with new responsibilities is hard.

I also just got some great news, but news that means a lot of change and a lot more hard work - I got accepted to Penn State World Campus. I'm super excited, but wow. It's a big step for me - and a big financial burden, and something I'll need to constantly validate to my current day-job, because it seems like no one can understand how a business-type degree might help me in my business-type job. Baffling. It's something I want to do (I tell myself that repeatedly, so I don't lose faith in it, or myself), but it's terrifying, and I am still worried about paying for it.

I'm working and going to school and working and trying to figure out my future. I know everyone else has to do it, too, but I feel like sometimes I'm a step behind getting it.

What are some changes for you this month or coming up next month? How do you prepare yourself for them, and how do you deal with the consequences (good or bad)?

"Bonk" by Mary Roach

2011-05-06T12:04:00.001-07:00

I picked up "Bonk" I think almost a year ago now at an outlet store for less than $7. It looked like my kind of read - funny, informative, and focused on my favorite topic: sex! And I found out that my original thoughts were completely on the ball, so to speak - Mary Roach is a brilliant author and she really dedicated herself to the research (including being part of the research herself) for this book.

Sex research, as Roach says, is a really difficult field. It's hard to get funding, it's hard to get participants, and it's really difficult to avoid the stigma. Roach seems to really get what sex research is about - improving quality of life, ease of reproduction and overall health and happiness. That really means a lot to me, as someone who really values sexual health and research.

I really enjoyed the foray into what's going on now and what has been happening for years - as always, there's tons of talk of Kinsey and his rather extensive (albeit often creeptastic) research and experimentation, but Roach also talks about the use of vibrators to treat hysteria in women when we knew virtually nothing about women, current research in ultra-conservative modern areas, and artificial insemination in animals. It's utterly fascinating.

Her willingness (and her husbands'!) to allow themselves to be used for MRI imaging while having sex is really impressive to me. I can't honestly say I'd have the courage, but I have to wonder what will come of that research - could we learn something new? Even in that act, she's contributed to the future of sexual knowledge.

Addressing the topics of sterility, erectile dysfunction, and the female orgasm, sexual arousal in paraplegics, and (in a scene that wigged me) observing penile surgeries, Roach took me on a ride through worlds I wouldn't have ever been exposed to. I am notoriously guilty of not wanting to read or watch "educational stuff", but this book was funny, informative, and fully engaging. It took me a while to get through it only because I wanted to process what I had read (and because I lack time).

Her footnotes are of particular interest to me, because it's like little tidbits of information that tangent off. I like tangents, and they help to make the subject more interesting.

I am really looking forward to picking up her other books, Stiff, Spook, and Packing for Mars very soon. I think this will be one author who writes "educational stuff", speculative and informative books, that I will continue to read and enjoy. Check it out yourself!

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex on Amazon.com

Espresso a Mano

2011-05-05T08:30:00.001-07:00

I have had a ridiculous craving for coffee in the past few weeks, and I mean good coffee, not Starbucks or cafeteria coffee. So, at the recommendation of Heather, I went to Espresso a Mano in Lawrenceville after work.

First impressions: I like the atmosphere a lot. It's a little tight for me (not so big with the crowds, me) but there's plenty of seating for the space and it's comfortable seating for anyone - both hard seats and soft ones. There's some sweet artwork on the walls and some greenery, plus the music in the background is fantastic. It's nothing particularly attention-grabbing, but it's enough to keep your mind moving, which is great. The big chalkboard menu has the drink list - and the prices are more than reasonable, in comparison to my experience with coffee purchases.

I have to say that one thing about this place really made my night: the barista. I feel terrible for not getting his name, but from what I understand, he's the only one who works there other than Matt G. (the owner). He was one of the nicest baristas I have ever had at a coffee place, and I wasn't in the door longer than 30 seconds before he said hello and asked how he could help me. That's awesome.

On to the coffee, I had a single espresso and a latte. The espresso had a beautiful crema, and I'm big on the smell of coffee, so espresso always gives me a momentary omgsobitter in my head before I drink it, and I have had a lot of bitter espresso. This was not that kind. It smelled great, very bold, and it tasted super smooth. This is an espresso I could have had a double-shot of and definitely not gotten burnt out on the flavor.

The latte was one of the best lattes I've ever had. Not only was it super pretty (I love pretty lattes!), but the foam was very smooth (I'm big on smooth in my coffees), and this is the first latte I have ever had that I didn't want to sweeten. The balance of the milk and espresso was perfect to my taste. The coffee they use at Espresso a Mano is rich and almost caramel-like, and the foam had a buttery taste.

I like that they have a limited selection of pastries - I didn't get one, but I am not too big on having pastries with my coffee. I like biscotti (which they have) and small cookies, but big pastries often take away from enjoying the coffee. I think one of the signs listed sandwiches, also, but I was too busy breathing in the smell of my latte by the time I noticed the sign to pay attention.

They also offer San Pelligrino & some small-brand sodas, which is nice, because I like to drink sparkling water between my coffees (I admit, I'm weird) so that the flavor doesn't carry over to the next one.

I really enjoyed going to Espresso a Mano, and I'm looking forward to going back and continuing my writing sometime soon. It's a good atmosphere to just sit and relax, and it gave me a little inspiration to keep going on what I am working on. In short, it's basically what I think a coffee shop should be like.

A Day to Remember

2011-05-02T07:33:00.001-07:00

I was 13 years old on September 11, 2001. It was my first day of 8th grade, my first day in a "public" online school. We were supposed to be going to the zoo - and encouraging my mom to take us to the zoo had been a feat. We were flicking through channels and I told my sister to stop, that looks like a cool movie.

It took about 10 seconds for us to realize it was real.

When I was 13, I had no idea what the World Trade Center was. I didn't even really know what a Muslim was, or where Afghanistan was, or the meaning of terrorism. We were watching when the second plane hit. I have never felt like I did that day in all of my life, and I don't know if I ever will again. I hope I don't.

When the plane in Shakesville crashed, I think it completely shook our reality. New York was still far away, in our heads, but you put the state we're in on the list of places, and it made it more real than I could have ever imagined.

Many things have changed since that day. I was lucky enough to not be one of the thousands of people who lost loved ones and friends and coworkers that day. I was lucky enough to not be one of the soldiers' wives who said goodbye for the last time to their husband fighting in wars that could have never been started without what happened that day. I can't count the ways I am lucky, but this did affect me.

It changed the way I look at the world, who I trust and what I believe. It changed how I interact with the world, and how I perceive people I meet. It taught me what fear is. It taught me what real hate is. Would I have ever known these things, or felt or believed the things I have over the past 10 years without that attack?

The lingering fear has been there, that breath-held, eyes-shut-tight feeling I have when I hear about someone attempting to terrorize the people of my country or any country anymore. The sick drop in my stomach when I hear about more people being killed in the name of anything but justice (real, true justice).

The world I grew up in after September 11, 2001, is very different than the world I lived in on September 10, 2001. I have to wonder if that would be the case if Osama bin Laden hadn't made the decisions he did.

I am not the kind of person who thinks that the death of anyone should be something to necessarily be "happy" about. However, I understand the sense of relief, of release, and of vindication or validation people might feel. I understand how people might look at this day as some sort of victory, because I think it is the closest to "winning" we might ever get, and those who have suffered the losses of loved ones do have a right to some sort of closure.

I am not happy that Osama bin Laden is dead. I am glad that they followed Muslim tradition in regards to his body after his death. I am happy that the people who suffered as a result of his actions will have closure and for the people who have lost loved ones in war, they might feel less like it was for nothing.

I feel relieved. Most of all, though, I hope that this happening means that we can finally start to move on, to grow, to become stronger, less divided, and less afraid again.

Happy Administrative Professional's Week!

2011-04-25T10:15:00.001-07:00

Remember your support personnel and acknowledge them this week - just a card or a kind word will come back in tens for you!

Best,

Brie

Guest Post: Q&A with Colleen from Scrap & Run

2011-04-12T07:14:00.000-07:00

I met Colleen from Scrap and Run in real life a couple of years ago, and she is the person who started me back to being able to walk over a mile again. She has been an inspiration to me to keep my standards, push myself a little more each day, and to make an effort in improving my life. She is constantly improving, and excels at nearly everything she does. She is an active runner, blogger, professional, and she is the kind of person who will get shit done even if it takes everything she has.

Her blog is a fascinating window into her life - you will seldom find someone who is more willing to share everything about herself than Colleen. She shares daily outfit photos, stories, and charts and graphs that make my inner nerd squee. I hope you enjoy the Q&A, and that you'll take a minute to check out her blog, which has gone from just a few friendly followers to somewhere near 100 just recently. Colleen is a badass in her own geeky way, and I am so grateful to her for taking a few minutes out of her day to tell us a little about her blog. Thank you, Colleen!

1.) Describe yourself in three sentences.

(this one is hard)
I'm a 27-year-old female who takes her picture everyday not to show off her fashion but to document what she wears. I thoroughly enjoy running and exercise but at the same time love to eat some sour cream and onion potato chips or some Zebra Cakes. I love data and numbers so much that engineers at work even tell me I'm nerdy.

2.) What is your blog about, in essence?

My blog is about me. It's about my clothes, my pictures, my cat, my exercise, and my food.

3.) If you had to pick one reason why people should read your blog, what would it be?

I put it all out there. I write it if it's boring or if it's interesting. It is my life.

4.) What are your top three recommended blogs, and why?

The New Me - I like how Chrissy posts about everything in her life. She runs and wasn't a runner all her life. I relate to that even though I ran in high school. I was not good so it almost doesn't count. I like that she replies to comments and has a lot of dialog with her readers.
Ashley Getting Dressed - I like her outfits and I like her stories. I feel like I can relate to her.
A Day in the Life - I love all the poses in her daily photos. I love that she sometimes has her 6 year old take her photos. I also like how her children model like they have their own fashion blogs I like how Brittney is a runner. I love her outfits. I like the modesty to them all.

5.) What is your favorite blog post you have ever written?

I can't decide between two of them. Vanity Sizing and BodyMedia Fit calorie data.
Vanity Sizing because research went into that and I wanted to express my thoughts (anger).
The calorie data because it is data, it took hours to put together, and a ton of people always ask me about my data.

Thanks again, Colleen! Does anyone have any questions for Colleen about her blog, her life, or her style?

Penn Brewery

2011-04-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

TGW and I went to Penn Brewery after the Art Museum & Aviary on Friday, and I wanted to do a quick review (I have photos this time!).

I am ashamed to say I've never been to the Brewery before, and now I realize how much of a mistake that was. It was an excellent dinner, and the atmosphere was great. I really liked the brewhouse style seating - large tables with benches - and we were seated immediately. It wasn't too loud, and when we arrived (around 5pm on a Friday) it wasn't super busy and was mostly populated with families. We sat in the restaurant area, but my brief wanderings to the bar showed that it was all a pretty comfortable place.

First, the beer.

I had the Penn Dark.

It was excellent. I really enjoyed it, and after we started eating I found that the flavored changed with different foods - after the cheesy appetizer it was sweeter, but then after I had my spicy soup and entree, it was smokier and more full.

TGW had the Marzen.

He says, "It was crisp, and delicious. It was mildly spicy - zesty maybe?"

For an appetizer, we had KÄSE KUGEL MIT SPECK($6.95), which I will recommend strongly to anyone who ever goes to Penn Brewery. It was cheesy goodness with pasta and bacon and chives. I cannot explain how delicious it was. It's like German Mac & Cheese - an ultimate comfort food. I even made TGW stop eating so I could take some home.

Look at that. It's glorious. We were too busy eating it to take a starting picture.

I ordered the GULASCHSUPPE (Cup, $2.50) - I have never had soup like this. It was so spicy and beefy and delicious. It was like someone took regular beef stew and injected heat into it, and I thought I tasted paprika (one of my favorite things). Next time, it'll be a bowl of this.

This photo doesn't do this justice. It was so rich!

For our entrees, we had the HUNGARIAN GOULASCH ($15.95) and SCHWEINEBRATEN ($17.95). The goulasch was pretty great - I actually ended up adding the remnants of my soup to it, though, because I felt that it needed a little extra spice, and after that, it was perfect. The pasta was just right, the beef was a little chewy but it balanced well with the pasta, and the mushrooms were cooked perfectly.

The sauce was great, but I would have liked more heat in it.

The schweinebraten, though, was - both from TGW and my own words - the best pork we've ever had. I rarely eat pork because it typically makes me violently ill, but this pork was so good I had multiple bites at dinner, and then I made TGW let me have his leftovers the next day. It came with mashed potatoes and some of the best sauerkraut I've ever eaten. The pork was so tender and practically buttery - I would eat that any opportunity I had. This is seriously the star of the menu - if you like pork, you'll love it, and if you don't like pork, it might convert you!

The best pork loin of all time, paired with some creamy potatoes and delicious sauerkraut.

With my goulasch, I had a side of the Hot German Potato Salad. It was enough to be practically a meal. I would eat this stuff every day if I could get my hands on it. It is so freaking delicious. It's like lemon and bacon and butter and vinegar all banded together to make potato love. Definitely one of my favorites!

This deserves nothing less than an omnomnomnom.

At the end of the meal, I sorely wanted to try the strudel ($4.95), but we were so stuffed we couldn't eat anything more! It was really such a filling, delicious meal, and we were completely sated before we even finished our entrees. We had an entire second meal the next day from our leftovers, and I cannot wait to go back to Penn Brewery again.

So many leftovers. Just as tasty the next day!

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"The Girl Who Couldn't Come" - Book Review

2011-04-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

Joey Comeau is the writer of A Softer World, which is how I found out about his book The Girl who Couldn't Come. He asked for bloggers who would be willing to write reviews, so I sent a message and he was kind enough to send me a digital copy of his book. You can find this and more of his books at his site.

I started, of course, with the title story, the girl who couldn't come. I loved this, I really did. It just pinpoints that awkward moment of sharing something so secret, so terrifying and so seemingly-shameful with someone - sharing a kink with the person you are sleeping with, especially something that might hurt them, is really hard. Admitting that you can't orgasm, even on occasion, not just all the time - that moment was captured in these few words. I also love the last paragraph - it's sexy, and sweet.

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight is one of those stories that you start out a little confused, but slowly fall into the beat of it. I count a lot - peas on my plate, taps on the table, kisses, and it's in eights all the time. I felt the counts in this - the real rhythm of it - and it goes to numbers of degrees in my head pretty fast when I reread. It's just simply hot, but it's a thoughty kind of hot. It sticks in your head. It'll be eights for me in bed for a while, I know it.

ghosts, the steps, and christmas tree pornography were all tough reads for me - ghosts especially. Joey's vivid writing made it hard for me to get through the things that squick me, the things that made me curl inside myself. I don't know if he intended ghosts to feel like a horror film, but for me it did, but I can bet there are plenty of people who would love it. The stories were good - just not my thing.

I think and then came the werewolf was actually kind of funny, and I felt a little guilty for that, but it makes me think of in the horror movies how the ones who have sex are always the first to get killed by a serial killer, and it's a little dirty (hah, literally) girl/girl too, so I definitely enjoyed it.

I admit to not really getting patricia. Joey's work is seriously thoughty, and I often can't keep up.

checkmate, though, I loved. It is from the perspective of a dominant woman, which is fantastic to read.

this is math is subtly sexy in a lot of ways, and I have to say, I'd probably hate math a lot less if I had the opportunity to learn in this way. I should mention that to my husband.

I liked the green belt, even though it left me feeling a little sad.

edith is a breathtaking story of longing. I just can't describe it in any other way. Even though the story is so much about sex, it seems to be even more about this deep need for another person, even a person you've never seen.

surprise was sweet and startling, as it should be, and it made me think of spontaneity and how so many people want it, but never have it.

the meteor shower has a trigger warning, so I was not sure what to expect when I started reading. The first part of it did bug me, but I'm not sure if that was the part that should have! After the protagonist meets Clay (his partner) and from that point forward, I was engrossed and happy and loved the rest of the story.

calculator is dirty and exhibitionist and made me think again that maybe Joey likes math a lot. It was sexy, though, and sexy is good.

I absolutely love on page 85 that there is a dirty word count. 61 mentions of "fingers", and 10 of "cunt", and many more.

All in all, there were stories here that I'd read again for the sweetness, and there are stories I'd read again for the sex. It's definitely worth taking some time to read through, and I personally would recommend the title story - the girl who couldn't come, and then came the werewolf, and edith.

Thanks again to Joey for sharing a copy with me. I loved it!

Not So Sexy Drive

2011-03-30T18:24:00.000-07:00

There was an article recently in the Daily Mail that talks about how poor body image affects women's interest in sex. Aside from the awful photos in the article, they have some good information (although they lack sources). I'm going to disregard the percentages and statistics, and just talk about some of the stuff they mention, and how to combat it.

First, they mention how many women don't want to have sex because they don't have confidence in the shape of their bodies. I know very few women who don't feel like this - and it's not just a weight thing! It doesn't matter the body type - a woman with low self esteem or a woman who is just having a bad day can always find something to hate about her body.

How do you fix it? Read some common problems and resolutions after the cut.

One I've heard often is focusing primarily on breast and nipple size, shape, or evenness - too big, too small, lopsided, squishy, dark colored nipples... This is all normal. No, really.

There are the issues with weight - not just for women who feel overweight, but also for the women who feel they're too skinny, or who don't like the way their weight is distributed.

To combat this, for me, I try to think about the good things - first of all, if I'm in bed with a dude (okay, so dude = husband, but whatever), that means he wants me. I fight with this all the time, though, so I'm not saying it's easy. I crash a lot and think about how I don't understand how TGW could be with me, ew, I'm so icky kind of stuff, but the fact is, he's in bed with me, and he wants to have sex with me. TGW is not the kind of guy who would have sex with anyone - most guys aren't.

And if that doesn't help - there's nothing wrong with low lighting, and some lingerie - a sexy bra, just some lacy panties - can make a big difference. But keep in mind that it's likely your guy (or girl) would be happy to see you naked and on top of them taking charge.

Another thing to keep in mind is that sex makes you more beautiful. It's good exercise - especially if you do it a lot and be an active participant in sex (don't just lie there and let him thrust! Move your hips, arch your back!) - and it's great for your skin. That after-sex glow lasts for hours, and it can really change how you feel when you look in the mirror. (This counts for masturbation, too!)

The article talks about how many women are too tired for sex - and man, I hear that. I don't sleep much, between insomnia, nightmares and pain keeping me awake, so I know what tired is. I know MANY women who are tired, after long days working and then coming home and being a housewife, caring for kids... who wouldn't be a little worn out?

For this, you have to really look at what sex is. Sex can be incredibly relaxing - and it doesn't have to take a very long time. Maybe shut off Dancing with the Stars a little early and go spend that hour in bed - have some foreplay to relax, and then some sensual sex. You'll be calmer, your muscles will all tense and relax when you orgasm, and that's the key to almost every relaxing meditation - tense, then relax, let your body release.

Have a headache? Sex gets rid of them. It gets blood flowing, boosts endorphins and makes the pain ease.

Some women find sex boring - and repetitive sex can get like that. However, don't rely on your partner to spice it up. You can do that! What makes sex sound more fun? Don't be afraid to watch porn to learn new positions or to find what kink makes you feel like slipping under the covers! Bring a toy into the bedroom, try using playful lubricants or a sexy massage. And always remember - sex can be FUN. It can be hilarious, too. If you're trying something new and feel a little silly, just laugh - laughing is good for you, just like sex, and it can make the sex even better.

It's like sex solves the problems that cause people to put off having sex!

One last thing: If you are married or in a relationship and have sex only because you feel obligated, stop. Sex is no fun for anyone (regardless of the physical response) when both parties aren't willing and enjoying. Take some time off from the obligation, and if your partner complains, tell them you're just gearing up for something special - but make sure you own up to that promise.

That something special, though, has to be what you want. If you don't like sex because it doesn't feel good, find out why - talk to a doctor or a therapist or a good friend (or a sex expert - they exist). If you don't like it because you want something more sensual, make the sex more sensual by telling your partner that's what you want, and telling them that if they want you, they need to do what you want.

Sex is hard. But it doesn't have to be.

Photo credit Danilo Rizzuti.

My interview with Vivien Jackson and Romance Writers Behaving Badly!

2011-03-29T07:53:00.001-07:00

I've been waiting so long for this - I did a big interview with Vivien Jackson and Romance Writers Behaving Badly, and it posted today! Check me out on http://www.vivienjackson.com and http://romancewritersbehavingbadly.blogspot.com today in an interview about sex and toys!

Blue, Burgatory, and Sucker Punch

2011-03-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to two restaurants and saw a movie, so here's my feedback on those. Warning: SPOILER HEAVY, both for the restaurants AND the movie. ;)

Blue:

Blue is a vodka bar and restaurant north of Pittsburgh on Duncan Ave. The atmosphere is very nice - not too loud, low lighting, fireplace, candles on the tables. Aside from the basketball on the bar TVs, it was great. They have a decent menu - the standard "nice" restaurant features of appetizers, salads and soup, main plates, and desserts. Nothing especially unusual there. I had the Shrimp & Corn Fritters ($8) - they were good, a little more breading than shrimp, but there were only four, which was a little disappointing.
For my main dish, I had the Marinated Hanger Steak ($26), and the steak was excellent. Well prepared and marinated, so I really enjoyed it. However, the Chinese Long Beans were over-sauced and a little squishy, so it was not really the best choice for any intention of having healthy vegetables. The Jasmine Rice was really great, especially with the two pieces of Lotus Root on top, but I was really disappointed at how small the portion was. It was quite a bummer.

TGW had the Filet Mignon ($32), and while he said it was good, he said it wasn't anything exceptional (and my small bite confirmed that). Standard fare. The fingerling potatoes were good, but still a super small portion.
For drinks, TGW had the Dogfish Head IPA that they had on tap, and he said it just wasn't hoppy enough for him (it burned my mouth with the flavor, so I have no judgement on that!), but my Perfect Pear martini was excellent and I'd definitely drink it again.

For dessert, we had the Cobbler Tasting, and it was great! The portions were appropriately sized and I did really enjoy that.

All in all - was the food good? Yes. Was it exceptional? Not really, but the martini was. Was it worth the cost? No. If we hadn't had a gift card for it, I'd have been very bothered by paying that much for the food we had. I had been really looking forward to Blue, but the bang for your buck just isn't enough for my tastes. I will, however, consider going back to try their martinis!

Burgatory:

Burgatory is a burger & shake bar/restaurant in Waterworks Plaza. This place is seriously awesome. I was expecting pretty good results when we went, but I was very satisfied with how it lived up to my expectations!

First off, the atmosphere was casual - there was plenty of seating even in what originally appeared to be a small place, and the smell of beefy goodness in the air certainly helped.

Our server was awesome - he was very nice and kept up with our orders well.

We had the Bankok Steak Fries ($7) - tempura fried portobellos - and they were fantastic. I never thought I'd like mushroom fries, but the flavor and texture was surprisingly pleasing!

Their hard shakes are amazing. I had the Grand-Dad's Secret ($7.5) and oh lordy, it was good. It was bursting with bourbon and caramel flavor, and it went down easy. Smokey and sweet - I loved it. One of my fellow diners had the Espresso Love ($7.5) which she said might be "the best shake [she] ever had" (similar to my sentiments about my shake!), and Michael had their Apple Pancakes & Bacon ($7.5), and to me, it tasted great, but the concept just wigged me out. It even had bacon pieces throughout and was topped off with whipped cream and a big piece of bacon. Michael loved it! He was also the only one to finish both his shake and burger.
TGW & Trae had the Campfire S'mores ($5.5) which came to the table topped with a MASSIVE marshmallow, and it was pretty tasty, too. A little filling, though!

On to the burgers: TGW & I both had the Standard Deluxe (his without tomato). I got the rosemary fries (to die for!) and he got the sweet & russet potato chips. This burger was delicious - cooked to the right temperature, juicy and smokey, and the toppings were just enough to accent the burger but not too much to overpower it.
Trae had the Buffaloed Bison, but I didn't manage to get her comments - she seemed to be enjoying it, and while I am pretty sure Michael had the Morty's Steakhouse, I can't recall because he finished his plate before I'd had three bites of my burger. Must have been pretty damn good!

I had a great time at Burgatory, and we are looking forward to going back.

Now, onto Sucker Punch. I will warn everyone who wants to see this movie that it is RIDDLED with triggers of pretty much any variation you can imagine. Be aware! As a reminder - SPOILERS.

Sucker Punch was a visually stunning movie, but fell short for me in many ways. While I loved the epic action sequences and found the sets and costuming intriguing, I was unprepared for the storyline. It reminded me why I so often look up information on movies beforehand - this movie was marketed as kind of a chick action flick, so I was excited to see it. I was not prepared for mental institutions or rapey under/overtones.

The plot is convoluted, and it falls into a dream-within-a-dream category. Once Baby Doll (the main character) is in the mental hospital, she starts imagining it as a brothel/gentleman's club, and from there, imagines these otherworldly action fights inside that. The "dreams" reflect what's really going on in the mental hospital, and it is, in some parts, a really good idea for a story.
However, I hate movies with mental hospitals. I really do, especially ones that are like this - corrupt, unclean, twisted and brutal. It is one of those things that leaves me riddled with nightmares and a general feeling of unease for weeks after.
I also am really fed up with the use of sexual abuse and molestation and harassment and rape in so many movies. This movie appeared to be marketed toward women - and I think in a lot of cases, it was still appealing as a woman - but can't women agree that it's about time we stopped using rape as some cheap trick to make people feel sympathy for a character? The characters were sympathetic without any of the negative sexual implications and honestly, I think they would have been better for it - or if it had only been a couple times in the film, instead of repeatedly, repeatedly. Women do not ONLY fear rape. There are other things which frighten us, other things which we triumph over! Beating the bad guy who wants to take advantage of us isn't the only way to show that a woman has strength.
I was disappointed with the fact that *SPOILERS* only one character out of the quintet really lived, and it was the character I liked least. I hate stories where no one really wins, they just scoot by with one or two survivors of the horror they battled. If even two people had lived, it would have been better, but just Sweet Pea getting away was disappointing and left me frustrated.

I think I would have just been happier if it had been a movie about a ragtag group of female soldiers out to fight dragons and mechanical monsters, instead of a movie full of emotionally distressing, triggering, and frustrating experiences. It was a pretty movie, and while a part of me wishes I could see it again, I kind of wish I could just rewatch the cool dream-within-a-dream scenes. Zach Snyder has a lot of talent with making things pretty, and this story was close to being good, but just went too far with a few things for me. Maybe his next one will be better - well, I hope so, because he's supposed to be doing the new Superman, and you can bet your bottom I'll be waiting to see it.

Japan - Linkdump, and comments.

2011-03-17T13:04:00.001-07:00

I am making one post about this, and one post only.

My heart aches for the people in Japan who have suffered such great loss (of life, of safety, of property) through the disasters this weekend. I have no idea how painful this must be for all of the people affected. I heartily encourage everyone to donate to charities if they are able. It would mean very much to me and all of the people of Japan. I chose to donate to Red Cross (text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10), but Direct Relief and many other charities are doing amazing work over there.

However, on the issue with the nuclear plants, I am choosing to provide a few links.
Take the time to read them. Educate yourself. Please keep in mind that even though these sites are primarily from nuclear organizations, that doesn't mean that they're biased and going to tell you lies. They are there for the public and for the people in nuclear to keep everyone informed. The news has been overflowing with misinformation and disregard for the people involved. I've also been updating my twitter and Facebook regularly. Please, please, if you care about this kind of thing, know what you are talking about before you post about it, or link to people who do.

These events do not mean the end of the nuclear industry. These events do not mean that nuclear plants are, by nature, unsafe. This doesn't mean we should stop building plants - in fact, these problems wouldn't be problems with modern plant designs, which have passive technology that doesn't even need an operator there to resolve any issues like this. Keep in mind that these plants were old - including one almost 2 weeks from its forty-year lifetime. Please also know that this would not have happened had they not immediately been hit by the tsunami after the earthquake.

Keep the engineers working at site in your thoughts. These men and women are truly heroes, and without them, no one would be doing this work.

Here are my links. I hope you find something interesting.

http://www.nei.org/newsandevents/information-on-the-japanese-earthquake-and-reactors-in-that-region/

http://www.facebook.com/notes/world-nuclear-news/progress-by-on-site-workers/10150108425517499

http://www.world-nuclear-news.org/RS_Attempts_to_refill_fuel_ponds_1703111.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpNsro_vKc8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weSIvHmIE_8

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704893604576198723013907008.html?mod=WSJ

http://www.tinyurl.com/anscafe

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704893604576198421680697248.html

http://www.businessinsider.com/japan-reactors-pose-no-risk-2011-3#ixzz1GZnQnOSj

http://nuclearstreet.com/nuclear_power_industry_news/b/nuclear_power_news/archive/2011/03/17/energy-secretary-defends-nuclear-construction031703.aspx

Placebo

2011-03-07T08:48:00.001-08:00

I read a bit about homeopathy & natural remedies v. pharmacology & medicine. It's an interesting topic, and as someone who is always looking for the magic pill to end all of my problems, I can get a little lost in the information.

The one thing I was thinking about is placebo effects. We all know that there are tons of "remedies" that only work by placebo affect, or have no more affect than a placebo. In nearly all tests done for drugs, they use a placebo, and there's a ton of people that the placebo works for.

Are placebos inherently bad, because they are a lie? Or is it something we should be looking in to more, trying to figure out how to reduce the need for medicine by using placebo affect?

222

2011-03-02T14:04:00.001-08:00

According to Facebook, I have 222 friends. (That may have changed by this writing.)

Isn't that amazing? That's so many people!

Well, I call bullshit.

I try to communicate with everyone I can on my friends list, and I will comment on their posts or message them, I try to at least make sure I don't miss any major life events. Sometimes I still do, but I try not to. I rarely delete someone or ignore their wall posts, and I have never blocked anyone that wasn't obviously a spammer.

I consider Facebook to be more a networking tool, and by "networking", I don't mean in my professional life. I think networking can be used for personal stuff, too - so that you can solve problems when they arise, be part of a support group when something goes wrong for other people - it's just good to be there, and have people know you're there.

At the same time, I kind of hate Facebook, for the obvious emotional reasons. Sometimes, seeing a lot of negative status updates can bring me down, and sometimes, posting negative statuses can bring others down. When someone doesn't friend me back (this happens most with people I know professionally or haven't seen in a long time), or when I find out I've been blocked (especially for unknown reasons). When all of the people I know get together, but don't invite me, sometimes it stings.

It's fun to keep up with other people's drama, and sometimes I admit it is nice to see that my life is going well in comparison to other people - but it also gives me a window to say hey, are you okay? Can I help you in any way? Is there something I can do that would brighten your day? And I do that sometimes. I can keep in touch with friends, and family, and people from school that I barely know but still kind of want to see how their life is going. I can live vicariously through the people I met in Spain who are legitimately archaeologists, and see the world from my computer, through the eyes of people who I have something in common with.

Work people don't add me much, in either job. A lot of the time, even if they do, they put me on limited profiles or end up defriending me later. I've learned to deal with that. It annoys me a little, though, I will admit. If I don't friend someone, I normally message them to say why, unless it's completely obvious that we don't know each other at all whatsoever (to both parties). I hate limited profiles and when someone puts me on one, my trust of them decreases significantly. When people defriend me over minor kerfuffles or for what appears to be no reason at all, I get annoyed. First, tell me why you're defriending me! Is it a misunderstanding? I'd just like to know! Second, why the hell did you friend me/accept my request in the first place?

I always feel like Facebook "friendships" are one sided. I try to reciprocate any contact I get, but in spite of 222 friends, I don't get much contact. Even if I'm contacting people through business, I try to ask how they're doing - and I mean it when I ask, I really do. I don't ask how people are doing if I don't care. I always want to hear what is going on.

Anyway. That's my rant of the day. Hope it didn't bore you too much!

In the News

2011-02-15T09:10:00.000-08:00

A couple of new news releases:

Vegans' Elevated Heart Risk Requires Omega-3s and B12, Study Suggests - I understand that people have different preferences, and they're entitled to them. However, I have to wonder if it ever occurs to people who follow a vegan diet that with all these issues and all the lacking nutrients, maybe they should consider just eating some fish or something. Is it worth dying to follow a diet that probably doesn't even affect the overall intake of meat in the world?

Deal reached over Tunisia exodus - It's good to see this is finally coming to resolution. Gosh, it's been going on and the media hasn't really been following the issue too closely, so I had to do a little research to understand the situation. Ace quote here, though:

"France's position is not to reward illegal immigration," Laurent Wauquiez, the country's European affairs minister, said.

Maybe more countries could look at that statement.

Lawsuit claims Pentagon turned blind eye to military rape victims - This has been an issue for a really, really long time. The amount of sexual harassment and rape in the military is completely appalling. I hope they win this lawsuit, and I hope that this has an impact - there is so much sexual harassment training in the military, SO MUCH, but it doesn't matter how much you do training or talk about it if you're not willing to do something about it. It's the same as with mental health issues - talk about it all you want, but if you ridicule someone or turn a blind eye when they're suffering, you're not doing the right thing and the blood is on your hands.

On a similar topic, I'm really enjoying listening to Rand Paul and what he's putting out there in the Senate. His budget proposal is a courageous suggestion, and I wish that people would at least listen to some of it! I'm not really on his side on abortion, although I do agree it's not a federal issue even in the slightest and that federal funds shouldn't pay for it, and I'm not totally with him on some other issues, too. Mostly I agree with ensuring things are not on a Federal level and instead on a state level.

So that's my news today!

Tentative goals

2011-02-11T13:51:00.001-08:00

These somewhat feel like a cop out, but they are ones I can strive for.

Exercise twice a week. No exceptions.
Read for one hour (a book!) twice a week.
Make one phone call to family a week.
Send one e-mail to someone I haven't e-mailed in the past 3 months on the 15th of each month.
Eat fruit every day it is possible.
Take one day each month (at least) where I only check e-mail three times that day.

And here is where I ask for help:

What do you think I need to work on? What should be one of my goals?

Being Happier

2011-02-11T08:31:00.001-08:00

So, I really want to try this Happiness Project thing. I got the starter kit. I sent it out to a couple of friends.

I am trying to figure out how to explain to people why I want to do this, and to encourage them to join me. Part of it, I think, is that I know I need people to help me continue making good choices. Part of it, though, is that I don't want to go through what I have before where I decide to make changes and improve, and then people don't want to be around me anymore or think I'm trying to be better than them. I don't think my friends are this petty, but it terrifies me. My paranoia about this is so deep-seated, I can barely break away.

I also know that everyone can improve. Even my friends, who I think are awesome as they are, probably have something they don't like about themselves, or just a goal they'd like to meet that would bring them joy. Everyone has that. If they don't, then there's a possibility they've just become stagnant, and need to have a kick start.

One of my friends expressed discomfort with opening up to people - and I totally get that. However, I think it's good to push past that. I've been trying, for years, to face fears and to break through my anxiety. Trusting people is very hard, but not trusting people is more damaging in my experience.

I want to do this because I know I am unhappy, even when I am happy. I have good times, I do, but I am not sure if anyone understands how incredibly hard my depressive phases can be, especially when they're after a strong manic phase or even just a couple of days without swinging up or down. I'm not saying they can't understand, I just don't know if they do.

I guess the thing is, if they don't want to do it, I get that. I just want them to. I want them to work with me for all of us to do things we want to do. I want to have a group of people that I regularly get together with and talk about positive things. I want to have goals and achieve them and see my friends do that too.

Is it selfish? I don't know.

Part of it, I think, is my desire to have my friends make time for something. We are ALL super busy for some reason or another, and I feel guilty for wanting them to put MORE on their schedule, but I'm also struggling to find time to spend time with all of them and while I don't want a "we must meet on X day at X time every month!" thing, I would like to have a consistent guarantee that I'd see them all once a month.

I dunno. Maybe it'll happen. If not, I'll play by myself. :)

Happiness Project

2011-02-09T13:31:00.001-08:00

I'm going to try this on for size.

Why I Don't Check In

2011-02-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

I've spoken many times about sharing information, and public profiles, etc. I have no problem with people knowing what I think, what I plan on doing or just recently did, or what I am feeling.

I don't like checking in. For first, it lets everyone know where you are and when you are there. It creeps me for people to know exactly that - knowing when my house might be empty, or knowing when I'm at somewhere that is less safe. I also wouldn't like people knowing how often I'm out drinking or not out drinking.

I just feel like checking in is pointless. If you want people to know where you are, why not just tell them? Tweet about it. Update your status. Checking in is just another way to share information, I get that, but it's also a pinpoint on a map of creepitude.

It does kind of make me giggle when people have limited profiles or were previously the victim of stalking, but will use check-ins... It seems contradictory.

Do you check in?

Rage Against Limited Profiles

2011-01-22T16:03:00.001-08:00

I hate limited profiles. No, seriously. I hate them so much it's probably unreasonable. When someone adds me or accepts a friend request, and I go onto their (now available to me!) profile page and I realize that I can't access half of their information, it bugs me. It bugs me more and more as I try to communicate with the person. Why? Well, a few raesons.

I can understand limited profiles to an extent. Maybe if you add your boss on Facebook or something (but why? Why would you do this thing?). Maybe if it's someone you've only known over the internet (that I totally get - it's just sensible).
But if you know me in real life, or have met me multiple times, or even knew me intermittently over multiple years without being fast friends, why the hell will you only put me on a limited profile?

I don't DO limited profiles. I did it for a bit because of excessive drama on my Facebook, but my blog and twitter and Buzz were all still public. I figure - you spend about $15 and you can get virtually any information about me that you want. So, why waste your money? I'd rather you spend the money buying products I advertise - and with public profiles you can get that. The only reason my Facebook is friends only is for my family - and that's it. If they didn't have objections, I'd probably leave it open.

But I don't get the limited profiles otherwise. If you know me, why won't you let me know you? All it does is make me wonder if I should really trust you. It makes me feel like you're hiding something. It makes me feel like you're lying. And I really hate lying.

Do you have a limited profile? Why do you use it, if you do? If you don't have one, are you on my side of the argument, or is it just inconvenient to bother with it?

The Accent Meme

2011-01-22T12:15:00.001-08:00

Listen!

Behold! I've finally made some sort of audio recording. Feel free to
think I have a weird voice, and sorry Adrienne.

Instructions:
1) Your name and/or username
2) Where you're from
3) The following words: Aunt, Roof, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting Image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught, Orange, Coffee, Direction, Naturally, Aluminium and Herbs.
4) What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
5) What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
6) What do you call gym shoes?
7) What do you say to address a group of people?
8) What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
9) What do you call your grandparents?
10) What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
11) What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
12) What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

13) Read this passage from The Speech Accent Archive:
Please call Stella. Ask her to bring these things with her from the store: Six spoons of fresh snow peas, five thick slabs of blue cheese, and maybe a snack for her brother Bob. We also need a small plastic snake and a big toy frog for the kids. She can scoop these things into three red bags, and we will go meet her Wednesday at the train station.

Who's that gal?

2011-01-18T11:43:00.000-08:00

It's like I never knew.

Over the holidays I had the opportunity to spend a bit of time at home, and then I recently took a vacation day to (I kid not) clean my house for an event. I really, honestly enjoyed being at home so much. Every minute I was at home, even if I was thinking about day job, working on PR, whatever, I felt so much better than I do normal days.

A lot of it is that I prefer to be alone or just with small groups, and being surrounded by hundreds of people every day can be overwhelming for me. It's just so nice to have the time to do things I need to do, at my pace, without so many distractions. To be away from bad light and ambient noise.

Some of it, though, was that I was still moving past some things, and I liked having the time to process emotional damage without interference. One of the most important things was that I got things done - I cleaned a lot on that day off. I got to work through laundry at my own pace, which was good. I felt accomplished - a rare occurrence.

I am looking at a big year, and my world has changed again. I like the changes, even though I'm afraid of some of them. Finishing school will be great, especially after a busy summer. Beyond that lies the anxious decisions of going back to school or not, trying to figure out if it's really worth it, and if so, why it would be worth it, and what I'm going to do in school.
Work is full of major project completion, a continuation of a position in NAYGN I actually thought I'd be leaving behind (not entirely a bad thing, but it's got a bundle of complications), and a difficult future for my personal projects. Lack of funding, and lack of interest from other parties, can lead to a pretty rapid end to years of hard work.

PR looks like a busy year. The empowerment summit, more training for the new products, and I'm hoping lots of parties. I'm trying to be positive, but it's very difficult to be some days.

I just feel like I'm taking a deep breath, preparing for a plunge.

Countdown - vows?

2011-01-04T07:34:00.000-08:00

I have, presently, a countdown to my birthday and our five-year anniversary.

30 days to my birthday. 57 days to our anniversary. yay!

I've been thinking about TGW and I renewing our vows this year (with like, people there).
There are a lot of reasons for this. One, holy crap! Five years! I am so excited about that. Two, it's something special to me. Three, two people who were involved directly in our ceremony were relationships that either fell to the wayside OR turned out to be complete lies. That sits badly with me. It's one thing to have a relationship that just faded away. It's another thing to have someone in my wedding who hated me and lied and pretended. I know it doesn't change TGW and I's relationship, and I know it doesn't make our love any less strong, but part of me wants to reboot. I want to erase the people who lied to me and TGW, and I want to remove them from all parts of our life.

It would be nice to have it. Just something small. I can barely remember the wedding - I think that's how a lot of people feel when it's such a crazy hectic event. I'd like to feel like it is entirely wholesome, though. I want to feel it again.

It's a dumb idea, to be truthful. But, I think about it a lot these days.

Big Dreams

2011-01-03T07:45:00.001-08:00

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Are you already what you want to be?

What do you want to be after that?

Where do you want to go?

Have you gone everywhere you want?

2010 - I've grown old inside my heart.

2010-12-31T22:36:00.001-08:00

The first day of 2010, I woke up with a weight in my chest that I've felt too many times in my life. The past year had been riddled with illness, drama, and disappointment in myself and pretty much everyone else I knew, at some point. The first week of January was nothing less than what I can call an attempt at cleansing my life and my soul.

I ended relationships that I'd spent too much on. I did so harshly, partially because my mind and heart were worn ragged from holding back. I felt much better afterward. It isn't that it didn't hurt me or that I didn't feel bad in some way about saying what I did, because someone like me is never free of regrets - however small they might be - but it was good to finally say things I'd been thinking and express things I'd been feeling for a very long time.

It was also freeing to hear the truth from people - at least part of it, anyway - and realize that it wasn't all my own self-deprecating, self-destructive paranoia saying that people hated me. They actually did. I still don't know why for some of the people - those who have hated me for years but hid it and never tried to solve whatever issue was there - but for others, I don't really blame them, and I was just glad they were finally honest about it. I don't really mind when people hate me, mostly because in my head, most people do anyway, but I'd really rather know.

TGW and I spent our weekends reading and relaxing, and it was wonderful. We got to spend time together, and had non-tech days for a while, and that was great. Then he got sick and had to go to the hospital, and we spent weeks during his recovery and surgery and second recovery just trying to make sure he was alright. It was good when it was over.

I also started walking with Colleen on the weekends - even when it was only 14 degrees outside, we got together and went walking in North Park. It sparked me getting a bit healthier, and while I haven't lost the weight, I'm incredibly thankful for having a friend who would pull me out and help me try to improve my health. I've found, over the year, that Colleen is an amazing friend to have, but like me, small failures count. She's forced me to be a better person, and that's a good thing!

I turned 22, and I can barely remember it. I was sick that week with bronchitis, John was still recovering, and the big snow blasted us pretty badly. I hate missing work because I'm sick, and I missed quite a bit that week. We did have a great dinner with Colleen and Dave, and that was awesome. Our anniversary - 4 years - came and went just as quickly. I met Michael and Trae - a relationship which is very important to me, and I would hate to be without. I failed at finishing my booklist this year, partially because after a couple months, our non-tech days fell to the wayside with work, school, and the rest of our life.

I started watching Star Trek and actually enjoying it, and we began gaming with Michael and Trae, Rae and Bear, and on occasion, Joelyn or TGW's brother. Gaming is always kind of a rough thing for me - I love it some days, but hate it others, and it can really be rough for me to get into, so I was grateful that the group is sometimes flexible about when we game, and that it's not always a fixed schedule.

We went to Gettysburg for a weekend - a short one, even - and the weather was beautiful, the B&B we stayed at was wonderful, and it's one of the best memories I've made. I took fantastic photos, and it refreshed me a little for the months to come.

I made the dean's list this spring and had A's this fall, and the summer semester was hard as hell and super busy, but I made it through with A's and B's. I was glad to be done with school this year, because I've been run down by business classes! I want to be done with my degree, so I changed my major and will be doing classes for general studies in the summer to finish out. Hurrah!

I met Heather about midway through this year, and I've really enjoyed getting to know her and becoming friends with her. She's re-exposed me to Hanson, and going to a party at her house is what led me to making one of the bigger decisions I've made this year. She also made me want to sing again - and that's an achievement!

I started with Pure Romance in September, after going to Heather's house for a Passion Party (same business, different company). I've really enjoyed it so far, and while it's not yet showing an incredible profit, I am hoping to keep it up and do well this coming year.

My regular job is also doing alright. I had some wins, some losses, and sometimes it's still a little rough for me, but I go to work and do my job and (hopefully) do it well.

I've rounded off the year with another move towards removing the bad things in my life, including breaking some habits of my own.

That's my year. I'm kind of glad it's over. This year, I think, will be better.

Bye, 2010.

Oh, this is exciting!

2010-12-31T06:28:00.001-08:00

I love this sort of thing. When someone goes beyond just pushing papers and does something, even when they don't have to.

Newark's Mayor - Digging Out

Why aren't more people like this? I don't know a ton about Booker's policies, but this shows me that the guy really does care about his citizens.

Also, check out his wikipedia page and see how much of a reduction in crime he's accomplished. Badass!

ETA:
"Our nation is in urgent need of people who have not resigned themselves to problems, who do not tolerate mediocrity or failure, who have an expanded moral imagination in the face of limited moral failure."- Booker

I like that.

Are you there, Santa? It's me, Brianna.

2010-12-20T12:40:00.000-08:00

Santa used to be an awesome idea to me. He even visited my house (like, seriously, Santa & Mrs. Claus at my house, when I was like, 4. Awesome.) and I believed in him for a WHILE. Some little part of me likes to believe in the myths about Santa or Santa-like figures. I know it's not true, but it's nice to let little flights of fancy take me.

This year I'm wishing for Santa to bring me something that I don't think any being could give. Just one little thing:

I want to love me.

I don't think I ever have. It's a hard thing to realize, especially these days when I'm spending a lot of my time telling other people why they should love themselves and why they should treat themselves with respect. I don't respect myself. I am hard on other people because I know I can't meet my own standards, but I know they can. My standards are high, but that's not why I can't reach them. I can't even meet the standards of people who have no standards.

I have moments where I think, hey, maybe I'm not that bad, but then I get a second alone or I look in the mirror, and I remember. I constantly compare myself to other people only because I am so desperately hoping that beneath all of their positive features that so overwhelm mine, they'll have some negative feature that I just barely rise above.

A person on Facebook that I know through someone else, and admittedly, have since defriended (along with the other person I knew them through), said something that really frustrated me. I (after a night of Old-Fashioned's) commented on their posting of their GPA a joke about mine being higher (which I don't even think it is) and saying how, thanks to American feel-good society, I feel superior. Anyone who knows me even in the slightest knows that this is bullshit, and that I would never say that in seriousness.

Their response? "What is it you do, again?"

I responded in honesty - I know I am nothing special. I explained that I work in corporate (soul sucking though it is), sell sex toys, go to a community college, and hey, btw, I was totally joking.

Their retort was irritating - they went on a long-winded bit about how they were glad I was joking because otherwise, they'd have to inform my school that they need to "incorporate into their curriculum" the meaning of the world "validity".

I, being the kind of person I am (classless and mediocre), called them a dick and defriended. I'm not the kind of person who takes well the implication that one education is better than the other - no matter how great or how horrible a teacher is, it's really the student that matters.

On some level I know that my education is no less valuable. The person has more years in school than me, yes, and has a more prestigious title on it, but ffs, I paid for my education nearly on my own - work has paid for some, but that's basically a part of my salary, I worked hard, and I get decent grades. I also work full time and have a second job. So what if I went to a community college? That doesn't mean that my grades mean less.

However, it's still been bugging me. It bothers me that I let that person into my life. I see it as a failing on my part that they had the opportunity to make that jab at my "validity". It makes me angry that they think their contributions to the world (what with their taxpayer-funded degree) are more important, or more worthy than mine. It makes me want to wipe them from my memory, because that little needle of their egotistical waste, that small bit of classist bitchiness, is going to stay in my head forever.

Just like everything that people say to me to degrade me, to downplay my successes, to emphasize my flaws, to encourage my inner hate to blossom into rage and loathing, this will stay with me. When I am down, it will push me further into the dark recesses of my own cesspool of rage. Not depression, not self-deprecation, but instead a hatred of myself so overpowering that I can't overcome it, because I know what other people think of me and what I do and have done. I know what failures and sins I have produced.

It's in little things - my car breaking down made me feel like a waste because I had to get rides from people, and it affected my work schedule. Our finances not being stellar makes me angry at myself for not making more money or for not saving money I've spent. When TGW has a bad day, I feel as though it's my fault because I am not able to be that wife that can make her husband happy no matter what. When my family has something go wrong, I hate that I can't solve their problems on my own. When a due date is missed at work, I blame myself for not somehow fixing every little failing on my own, for not being a better admin, for not supporting my people in the best possible way I can, and making THEM succeed.

I need a Christmas miracle. I need to have a revelation. I need to be filled with spiritual wellbeing. I need love to overwhelm me. I need to not be this person, this waste, this endless sea of slick, oily bitterness.

I need to love me. But I truly do not know how.

Why Good Managers Gift Their Admins

2010-12-15T12:29:00.000-08:00

Every year, for the holidays, I have gotten a gift from at least one of my groups. It's been great!

The first year, it was both my secondary managers, and quite a bit of cash. It was awesome, and I really felt appreciated by them. (I also got presents from some of the individual employees, which really meant a lot.) My other manager, who did not give me a gift that year, kind of dimmed. Did I not do a good job? I had been working hard and thought I'd done very well, but not getting a gift left me with this kind of... tenseness. If I couldn't make my primary manager happy, even though the others were happy, I must be doing a bad job.

The second year, I got a gift from one secondary group and my primary group. I was overjoyed! My primary must have finally been pleased with my performance. The one secondary group must have also been pleased, and that was fantastic. That same year, I'd temporarily supported a huge number of people in another pair of groups, and I got a small gift from them, so I was pleased with that - I felt like I'd done something. But the other group didn't give me a gift, and I was worried. Had I been declining in my ability to support them? What had I done wrong? What changed? I was so anxious about it. It still bugs me, even now, a year later.

This year, I've received a gift from my primary group and one of the employees in the secondary group, but the secondary group (now my only other group) as a whole didn't even get me a card. I feel as though maybe I'm not doing a good enough job. The worst part is that I'll never know what I did wrong. Performance reviews don't address why I didn't get a gift. Gifts are for employees who are well-liked and whose work is worth it.

Not getting a gift at the holiday as an admin is just kind of like a big frowny-face on your report card. It says that I did a bad enough job that they can't bother with me, or that they care so little about my efforts that they just simply forgot.

The worst part is, whenever I first started working here, I was shocked to get a gift. I didn't get accustomed to it or anything, it was more that I understood the meaning - the admins who are very well liked - you know, the perky, happy, perfect ones) get tons of gifts. They get gifts when their employees and managers travel. They get gifts when holidays come around - admin day and Christmas.

The sporadic nature of my gifting makes me paranoid. It makes me think I'm not good enough, and I see it happen to other admins, too. It's not a matter of spoiling or bribing - it's a matter of showing appreciation. Most admins make less than half of what the employees at companies make, so it's not like they can't use every dollar they get. We don't often get bonuses, and while we appreciate every penny we make, we appreciate small gestures almost as much.

I'm not saying give a ridiculous amount. I'm not saying it has to just be the manager - taking up a collection is a brilliant idea. It doesn't even have to be a gift. Cash works great, gift cards are awesome, but even a card would make us feel like we did something. Like you think of us. It makes us feel connected to our work. Without that connection, we start to lose faith in our work, and our quality of work suffers.

Show appreciation, and we'll show you just how much support we can provide.

In the News (first installment!)

2010-12-13T08:34:00.001-08:00

I've decided that on a COMPLETELY random basis I will do a post related to what I see in the news. Where will I find this news? Randomly! I will open up Google News and offer my input on six selected articles and the subjects therein, and link to those articles.

This is because I need to blog more, but I've run out of topics that don't sound whiny and that don't interfere with other peoples' privacy.

Big surprise, kids will eat healthy cereal. Did it really take us that long to figure this out? I mean, seriously! It's simply a matter of what is offered. Growing up, we rarely had the option to try super sugary cereals - a lot of the time it was oatmeal, or eggs, or just plain cereal without too much added sweetener. It's not a shock to me that kids would go for the regular cereal so long as they could put something on it. If parents offer the choice for healthier foods along with some more "fun" foods, the kids are more likely to eat the healthier stuff. It's got to be there for them to try!

I just nearly wet myself with joy - they're hoping to open Chernobyl to tourists! For me, exposing the public to what Chernobyl really looks like and what really happened is a good thing. I would love to tour the site. It would be a sad, but frank, exposure to a world not many people have ever seen before. A lot of bad decisions were made at Chernobyl, and a lot of things could have been done to prevent what happened. It's a good warning to people of what happens when there aren't safety measures in place, but I think it also is a good way to show people what the damage really was - and who is at fault for it.

This is a sticky one. I think Scalia has it right. It's time to get over this. Florida had mega fail - and it's not something that can be fixed or recovered. We shouldn't be still dwelling on how bad of a job handling votes they did during that election - unless we're focusing on making sure it never happens again. It's been ten years. I don't think that the last ten years would have fared much better under Gore, or any of the other potential candidates. Just let it go.

Somehow, we are still surprised by two things: Young celebrities do available drugs, and fans will try to emulate them. You know what? Drew Barrymore was a mega child star from a kind of jacked up family, too. Drew Barrymore also had a number of illegal substance abuse problems before she was even 16. MANY child stars get into drugs. Salvia, however, is legal. As far as fans emulating stars - frickin' duh. Maybe if the parents kept a little closer eye on their kids, and maybe if the parents would teach their kids morals and actual facts about drug use, this would be less of an issue.

Can someone please explain to me the sense behind an inflatable roof on a building in a city that the average annual snowfall is over 3 feet? Part of the reason why winters are such a clusterfuck is because people don't prepare in a reasonable manner. It's always a surprise that winter starts to people, for some stupid reason, and when it does start, it creates a massive panic. Pittsburgh is guilty of this. I know I just get annoyed and a little worried that the roads will be full of morons my whole way home. I'd really love to see people actually adjust sensibly to changes in season. This is part of the reason why I don't want to live where there is snow.

Kids who live in apartments are exposed to more secondhand smoke. Let's consider this for a moment. Kids who live in shared spaces that have shared air systems, with people who smoke outside then come inside with the smoke on their clothing and hair and skin, or in rooms that may have been occupied by heavy smokers, have a greater exposure to secondhand smoke. How is this a surprise to anyone? Especially considering the smaller spaces. It is generally a good idea to smoke outside because of the damage it does (not just to people!), and at least in apartments where you're paying rent and it's owned by someone else, it does make sense to have rules for that kind of thing. Now that we know more about it, while I hope that no one tries to start enforcing this in privately-owned, non-shared housing, I do hope that people are mindful of it.

So there it is! My first news-relevant post. woo!

A Tale of December First (Or, Why I Hate Winter)

2010-12-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I left work a little early, got my hurrr did (for those of you unaware, that means I went to a hair salon and got my hair done - dyed, cut, and it looked glorious, let me tell you), and I was soooo excited because the stylist bought a bottle of Basic Instinct (Pure Romance's pheromone based perfume, it's the bee's knees). I was like, yes! sale! awesome! Sooo excited.

I was in the fast lane on 79 South from Cranberry to Wexford. I had good music on the radio. I felt good.

*POP!*... *wumpwumpwump...*

My eyes were as big as saucers. I carefully navigated the other two rapid lanes of traffic and found a spot with enough room for my car to be off the road. (This was around 6:30pm.)

Flat. Fu--

I called TGW, and he was going to head out to help me change the flat - frankly, I could have done it myself, but it was cold, snowing, and dark out, and I had basically a cliff to the right and heavy traffic to the right, and I was terrified.

I turned off the car to get in the back and check for the spare and jack so I could get started. I went to take my flashlight and gloves out of my road kit.

Then! I realized my awesome road kit not only had gloves, and an orange cone flashlight, but it had Fix a Flat! woo hoo! I told TGW "Hey, I can just use this, just gotta warm up the car to warm the can."

I turned the key to start up the car, and

*clickclickclick* *beeem beeeeem beeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Fu--

I called TGW back. No car juice. It wasn't like when my batteries have died before, but I figured, eff it, I'll call AAA. So I did. And then about 30 minutes later, I got a call from AAA saying "Your emergency service vehicle has been delayed 40 min-"

I hung up as my phone started beeping that it was dying, and rapidly texted John a few times.

Then my phone battery died.

Seriously? I only just recently bought a cell charger for my car because mine didn't come with one and I'm cheap. However, I had not yet put it in my car.

No phone. No car. No tire. No heat. This day went to crap fast.

So I sat. I keep blankets in my car for when I transport Hank, so I had those, and I had the gloves from the kit and my coat and a spare jacket. I put eeeeverything on. And sat.

At about 8:40, I finally got the courage to get out my handy orange cone flashlight and wave someone down - terrified it'd be a serial killer, or worse, that no one would stop and I'd be stuck there all night in the cold - and someone pulled over. A guy got out of the car, and he waved me over after asking a couple quick questions about the car and whether I had kids in the car or anything, then introduced me to his sister in the car. She let me use her cell phone and get the phone number off her AAA card, since I'd stupidly left mine in the car and was just too cold go to back to get it until necessary. I called TGW, AAA, and they said "Fifteen minutes".

Turns out, the guy was a cop from Alaska, and the three of us talked about Build-a-Bear and Pittsburgh's complete inability to deal with any variation upon "weather" - if what last night was could even be called that. He praised me on having a safety kit AND having a blanket in my car - something the tow guy ALSO mentioned when he arrived later.

The tow guy got there at about 9:10-9:15pm. Alaskan Cop & Sister made sure I would be okay and that TGW was on the way, shook my hand, and departed. Tow Guy (married 25 years to a red head, with a blonde kid who "has the devil in him", a traditionalist originally from Wyoming but lives in Philly, it was his third shift in two days) remarked upon my blanket-preparedness (he swears I'm the first person he'd ever towed who had one in their car), and tried to jumpstart my car. No luck. He seemed pretty irritated by the fact that his mini-generator wouldn't work, or else he could have helped me change the tire and sent me on my way - and I don't blame him - but he had me sit in the truck while he prepped the car to go. TGW showed up around the time we loaded up the car, and we then took the car to the car repair shop by home.

It was late when we got home, I'd say at least 10:30pm, and I was exhausted and cold and miserable. Turns out my battery was crapped out severely and shorted, plus the tire was blown (yay, road hazard insurance!). AAA is waiving the mileage on my gold membership tows for this because of the delay, and after the battery and tire replacement, replacing the unsafe tie bar and sway links that got damaged by the PA roads and probably the thunk my car made when the tire popped, and the inspection I told them to just do now instead of January, it'll be about $700.

Helluva night, I tell you. I was lucky in some ways to have had nice people to help me when I needed them, and I've made contingency plans for the future. I've also decided that I'll probably be selling my iPad and my car at the same time and using it to put a down-payment on a new car - but probably not until our escrow payment normalizes again (May timeframe).

It could have been worse, and I know that. Plenty of other people were in nasty wrecks last night, and I try to think of that when I get upset about how cold and alone I was sitting on the side of the road. I didn't get hurt, I just had to deal with some wasted time and cold weather. That's better than being hurt or killed because of flooding, frozen roads in a city that can't cope with a little snow and rain. But still, I have to say, I could do without December!

Nostalgia, Harry Potter, and an Unachievable Dream

2010-11-29T19:15:00.000-08:00

First, I did get to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1... three times already. It was excellent, and I'd gladly go see it again. I really enjoyed it and find something new every time.

Second, a little thing.

Today was the first day of deer hunting season in Pennsylvania. When I was younger, this meant a few things. One, dad, pap, and my brother - for a while even my mom - would go out hunting bright and early in the cold. We would stay at home, in the warm house with the stove and oven on, baking cookies sometimes, but always, always making hard tack with my Grandma. Hard tack, to us, is not what it is to other people - not hard biscuits that last forever, but instead a delicious, strong flavored hard sugar candy. We used to make it every single year, and it would leave the house smelling so strongly of the extracts we used - spearmint, butterscotch, cinnamon. I loved the spearmint the most. It would taste so strong, so much like Christmas, like winter.
We don't do this anymore.
I miss it. Baking cookies with my whole family - cocoa cookie sticks, ginger snaps, thumbprint cookies, gingerbread men - those times and this day, in my memories, stick out as something sweet and irreplaceable. Spending time with my grandparents and siblings and parents - even before we had foster kids (admittedly, some of the sweetest memories were from then, when I was incredibly young and I can only barely remember).
The days after the first day of deer season were often filled with cleaning whatever deer my dad or mom happened to get, laying it out on the table and cutting it up, making the meat as lean as we could, and grinding some of the remainders for burger. I still love eating venison, and I get it so rarely I've almost forgotten the taste (neck roast is my favorite).
I don't think I'll ever get to experience those type of things again. My memories will have to suffice. I just hope I can always hold onto the happy thoughts, the smells and sensations, and the warm piece of my soul that fills with just a little pain when I remember.

Last, I've been thinking so much about the future. I've switched my major to general studies and should be finished after one summer semester upcoming, and will have an Associates of Sciences. I cannot wait to be done with school! The thing is, I can't figure out if I want to go back. I wish that going to school wasn't such a requirement to be successful these days, because I've grown to hate everything about it. Learning has become a chore, something required, not something I love. I didn't think that would ever happen, except with math.
I also am beginning to feel the drag of a future as an admin. I'll probably be an admin for a pretty long time - I'm not deluded enough to think that I can make Pure Romance be a forever career, at least not while I have the responsibility of my regular job, which is something I'll have for the foreseeable future. I would like to do something I feel inspired by. I believe in the industry I work in, but I don't know if working in corporate and working in a business-based job is going to leave me able to feel happy after a while. I know it's already taking its toll.
Even then, I don't know if I want to do Pure Romance forever. I don't know if I want to do anything forever. I do know, however, that I'm very tired already, and every winter, I think more about how much I wish I could stay forever with my family and the summer and spring and fall in Pennsylvania, but take them with me to somewhere that doesn't get covered in snow and somewhere that doesn't leave me in pain and weary with waking every morning.

Is it wrong to want to wake up and want to get out of bed, and to have the strength to do so without feeling like I am carrying a lead shroud around my body? Is it wrong to want to have a job that I will enjoy the majority of the time, instead of sometimes? How do people live out their lives feeling this way?

I just feel world-weary and it's stupid for me to feel that way, with so little experience and wisdom under my belt.

A Toast, to 30 Years

2010-11-07T15:45:00.001-08:00

My parents recently had their 30th (30th! Three tens!) wedding anniversary. I wanted to share with all of you the toast I did at their vow renewal.

There's a lot to be said for thirty years of marriage. There's more than I could ever say, and I've
only been around for 22 years of it.

Thirty years – From a two-seater outhouse and a shack with no running water in the backyard,
now to a massive house-in-progress with acres around, you have stood the test of time. It's
incredible – and it's even more incredible that you now go up on the hill, with your cabin that has
no running water, as your romantic getaways.

When I asked about your marriage and what kept you together, the biggest thing was that you
were friends. You worked together, and you did things together, even when it wasn't really what
the other wanted to do – stories about skinning skunks come to mind – and you just didn't stop
going, even when dad had to work all the time and when we made you want to tear your hair
out.

Your love for each other has led to a big family – nine of us kids, and now grandchildren born
and soon to come, I'm sure (Casey, get to work on that.). If success is measured by the success
of your children, I think you can be pretty happy with what there is – three of us are happily
married, with homes and jobs, and we wouldn't be here without you or without you pushing us to
do better, and be better. You are the reason why I will always count on family.

You taught us the value of stubbornness, but also how to forgive and how to compromise. You
are a team, and even though sometimes it's not absotively perfect, you keep on going and you
make it through the hardest things. You have shown me that you can't give up, no matter how
scary the world is, and that there's nothing wrong with trying. And yes, you are great parents,
because you're "cool", and because you now are my friends, too.

I'd like to read from Ruth, Chapter 1, verses sixteen and seventeen.

16 And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for
whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my
people, and thy God my God:
17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and
more also, if ought but death part thee and me.

This was read at my wedding. The Book of Ruth has always meant a lot to me, particularly for
this passage. To me, this is love. To be with that person you love, and accept them and be a
part of them in a way that is unable to be broken.

I think that, If There is Love, you'll be together, Always and Forever, and We've Only Just
Begun. Like Nugent said, "There's hope for tomorrow, and we're workin'on today".

Just FYI, the last paragraph is because my parents had "There is Love" (by Paul Stookey) sung by a friend at their wedding, their first dance in my mom's living room was "If" by Bread, their prom song was "Always and Forever", and the first dance at their wedding was "We've Only Just Begun" by the Carpenters. The last line is from "White Buffalo" by Ted Nugent, and that was the song my dad wanted to play.

Now some notes from my mom:

What keeps our marriage together? First, it was marrying our best friends....we did things together, even things the other one didn't really enjoy, we talked to each other, whether it was good or bad. Later on, when things were a little rough, we thought about what it would be like to try to explain to our kids that "mommy and daddy just weren't happy", for no reason, just that we had tough times, and were different...I was the romantic, he was not.....that caused some issues. I was a night person, he was a morning person. I think the biggest thing that kept our marriage together was understanding each other's faults, accepting them, and stubborness. Along with communication, making sure we spoke up when there was a problem, even if it caused a fight. Knowing that a fight didn't mean the end of the marriage...and speaking up when we needed "date night" even when the kids were little. Were they all good times? No, but we also knew that it wasn't because of "who" we were with, but life in general trying to beat us down. The love for our kids, being there for them.....that made us think twice.

Did we have a five year plan? Not quite.....we were in love. We wanted to be together. Dad was going to finish college, and we wanted to have kids and a farm. I didn't want a career, just something to help us get by until Dad found a good job. We wanted kids, critters, gardens, canning...and a white picket fence. The only "plan" we had, was hoping to have our mortgage paid off by 45. Well, here we are at almost 50, planning to refinance again..and having kids went way over what we planned....but, would I do it all over again? Most of it!

and when I asked about sharing her quotes, Mom said:

You can even add in that we started out with a one room shack, no running water, in a cow pasture,and a double seater outhouse, and here we are later, using a two room cabin, with no running water, and a porta potty, as our romantic getaway! Now, that's love!

And, my dad said, after he saw where we would be living, and did live, for 6 months....If they can make it through this, they will make it through anything...and we have!

So here's to my parents, to their lives and what they have left behind them. They've given me a great example of how a marriage should be, and how everyone can make it if they're willing to try hard, and never give up.

B

Google Me

2010-11-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about Google lately (big surprise, I talk about Google a lot, but moreso of late for multiple reasons). Google's gotten a lot of shit about Buzz today because of the distribution e-mail about the class-action suit regarding privacy complaints. Google also gets complaints about just about everything else.

This is partially, I think, because people fear it. Google is so damn public. It's everywhere. You don't Ask Jeeves anymore. You don't Yahoo! Search. You Google it. I cringe when I hear people say they'll Mapquest something.

I'm a Google whore, just like some people are Apple whores, even though some of Google's policies aren't the ones I like - like the CEO not supporting nuclear power, which is a disappointment to me, and support for Obama (sorry. He's not my fave.). There are a few good reasons for this.

One: We (appear to) share the same opinions about privacy. The internet doesn't have privacy like people expect. If you are on the internet, it won't take someone more than a ten dollar charge or a good hacker to find out your shoe size, address, favorite food, and marital status. Hell, half of that can be found by going on Facebook, or just searching for your name.

If you want privacy, keep it offline. If you're doing something so shameful and harmful you'd be fired, ostracized, or possibly disowned for, maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

Two: Everything is in one place. My calendar. My twitter and Facebook feeds (on Buzz, which people think is useless). My chat access (both video and text). My news feeds. My blog. Phone numbers. A freakin' PHONE IN MY E-MAIL, which is awesome, even though I've not used it just yet. Document editing. Map searches. Free books! I can live through Google. I go outside of Google mostly because other people haven't integrated. I do all of these things through Google because it fits me, and I understand it doesn't fit everyone else, but damn! What a way to do things - I don't even have to venture outside of one website to do five different things.

Three: It's easy. I don't have to try hard to learn how to do things. I'm one of those people who can take a lot of practice to get used to something, but with Google it's not as hard because most of it is stupid-proof. That's handy.

On the downside, Google needs to work on some of its big mistakes, some of which happen to be the same as the good things, like Privacy.

There needs to be an up front opt-out before big releases - the release of private info with Buzz, no matter how much people should have kept things offline before, should have never happened. It was a simple mistake, but it ended up having larger consequences.

Google Voice was jacked a day or so ago with calls not going through. Big companies having downtime with tech products is a big bad, and everyone makes mistakes, but this is going to be a huge focus for the future. Google always needs to watch this kind of thing, and be prepared to deal with the fallout. Tech blogs go NUTS for any chance to jump on big entities, and Google is huge, so any opportunity to criticize is one that they'll nearly wet themselves over.

Not beta-testing products enough is a problem too - like Wave. I liked Wave, but it wasn't for everyone, and should have been marketed as a business solution and had a small beta testing group. Let people get a taste, learn how to use it, rave about it, then release it. It appeared to be aimed more towards regular consumers, not business collaborators. The biggest mistake with Wave, though, IMO, is not putting it in the top bar that's on every Google page or putting it in the sidebar in Gmail, like Buzz. It was so easy to forget, and people didn't get to do collaboration because people didn't keep going back. When there's the name constantly reminding you, or a little "Unread" number, it draws you back, at the very least to make the damn thing stop telling you that you have 100 unread messages.

I know I should be talking about 2010 elections, but this is what's on my mind, and goodness knows I can't keep what is in my mind from being shared.

Now, to my final point.

Go on Google. Google me. See what you find, and share it in the comments, along with your thoughts - do the results change your opinion about me? Do you worry that someone could find the same thing about you?

Education, schmeducation

2010-10-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

I'm really bothered by the title of this post because I can't figure out if that's how I should have spelled "schmeducation".

Anywho.

I am presently in school for an associates degree, for what I call "the lamest degree on the planet", which is Applied Sciences for Administrative Assistants. Dude. I am a loser. Okay, it's not that bad, but it's really boring. I have enjoyed maybe two of my required classes, and only one of my "electives", and that was Astronomy, which was a lucky fluke.

I have to think about my future, though, right?
The future where I'm going to...possibly not make anything more than I already do with a degree, and probably hate coming into work forever? I know that I will have to finish school to further my career and to do "what I want to do".

Someday.

I don't know "what I want to do". I have no idea. So, a few things happened recently that I wanted to communicate and kind of toss around my mind about.

TGW got accepted to the Art Institute and will be taking online and offline classes starting in January. Yaaay! So excited for him and incredibly happy that he will get to learn more about something he loves AND now has a greater likelihood of working actively in his field. This means a lot to me to see it happen.

However, going to school means spending money. Supplies, software, and all. Plus, it means less time for us to spend together, especially when I have classes in evenings. We don't really have the extra cash to fund Art Institute education (even with the military's support) AND my courses, AND still have time together.

So, I made the decision (after months of deliberation) yesterday that I will not be returning to school this coming spring semester. The degree I am working on is not important to me, and I don't see a return on it any time in the near future. TGW getting his Bachelors within a reasonable amount of time is incredibly important to me. Having time with him while he's working on it is also very important to me.

Until I know what I want, and until I know we can do this with good financial standing, I'm stepping away from school. I'll finish this semester and keep an eye on things, and change my mind if there is a window where it works. I talked to my boss about it at work, and he understands, but he's encouraging me to continue getting education at work in place of the schooling.

It was such a difficult decision, just like deciding to go back to school was a difficult decision, but I feel that this is the right choice.

So, that's that. I've been sitting on this for weeks. It's so good to finally say it.

It Gets Better/ DADT

2010-10-21T10:36:00.001-07:00

I don't talk a lot about civil rights on my blog, that I can see. It's a complicated subject that has gotten me flamed before, so I'm hesitant. However, I have a couple of things to share today. First, a few choice posts from my twitter account RE: It Gets Better and DADT, and then a copy from a LONG Facebook response regarding It Gets Better and teen suicide/bullying.

from twitter:

I find myself liking the It Gets Better campaign, but not just towards LGBT teens - there's too high a rate of suicide in ALL walks of life.

I wish DADT would just disappear already. How about everyone shuts up about their personal life but no one gets punished for bringing it up?

Facebook comment:

My bipolar became pretty active during my teenage years, and it hasn't relented. Being medicated helps, but I do understand the suicidal urges - it's just now I can logically beat them. I couldn't do that when I was a teenager, and I never even had to deal with the public school system and the constant bullying (I was bullied once I was a teenager, but I had also done bullying of my own in the small amount of time I was in legit public school).

It really upsets me how kids treat each other, and how adults often treat kids. They can dismiss a lot of REALLY important things - and I have seen younger people I know go through a lot of the same things I did, but nothing happens because their parents are idiots.

Being gay or trans in public school has got to be hell, and I seriously feel for anyone in that situation - but I know that hetero and cisgendered people go through it too, especially when there isn't another target to focus on. There's bullying for being "ugly", there's bullying for race, personal preferences, being in the wrong social caste or economic class... it's sickening.

I don't know if there's much I can do about it. I try to talk to the people I know going through this stuff and be for them, but I think at this point, it's more about educating people about things - parents need to understand how to help without being pitying or dismissive or ignorant, and teachers need to step up when they see bullying, and other kids need to learn that bullying is WRONG. It just is.

I watch Glee (and this is a random thing, sorry), and every single time Mr. Shu walks past the football players tossing Kurt (or anyone else) into a dumpster it just makes me rage. I get mad every time. It's that kind of ignorance and dismissive nature that lets violence and emotional cruelty be perpetuated until it leads to someone thinking there is no way out.

Humans are better than that.

What do you think?

Which Witch is Which?

2010-10-18T12:23:00.001-07:00

Oh, Halloween.

It's my favorite time of year, my favorite holiday. I don't know why - some of it is the colors of leaves, the smell of the seasonal foods, the bright blue skies of October, the spooky nights and scary movies. Some of it is the candy, and it has a lot to do with the general feel of fall. If it could be fall all year long, I'd be happy. The feeling of pre-winter, but away from summer. The most perfect month.

One of my favorite things is the potential to dress up for Halloween. Well, sort of. It used to be. These days, it's a bundle of self-esteem issues wrapped in a tasty taco of tastelessness.

When you go to a costume store or look online for costumes for women, what do you find?

Micro minis. Low cut busts. Spaghetti straps. Hooker boots (okay, I love hooker boots).

Everything is a "sexy _____". You can't just be a superhero. Noooo. You have to be a SEXY superhero. You can't just be Cleopatra or a fairy. You have to be SEXY Cleopatra or SEXY fairies.

It's stupid.

It's frustrating.

And most of all, it's pretty damn demeaning. I'd probably like them more if I were thinner, I'll give you that. But, I still think that it objectifies women more than necessary and it also depicts everything in a tasteless manner. These things are appropriate for bedroom costume parties, but not for out in public.

Sometimes, there will be one that's super cute, and I try it on, and one of two things happens: either it fits great, I like it, and might buy it OR it's too small (when an XL is too small for a size 12/14, ur doin it wrong) or too slutty and I put it back.

Is it wrong to want a Halloween costume that covers more of my body? I mean, seriously. It's COLD in October! Halloween can get as low as freezing in Pittsburgh, and I don't want to literally experience "cold as a witch's tit", okay? Gimme something warm, or at least something that covers my sensitive bits!

I guess the problem is that I want to enjoy my favorite holiday INCLUDING what has previously been my favorite part, but I don't want to have to decide between $150 plus-size Medieval garb and $30 ho-bag skirts. Y'know?

Selling Myself: Sex Doesn't Always Sell

2010-10-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

I fully intend to see my new part-time business come to fruition. I like knowing that eventually, I'll make good money with it. What I don't like, however, is the waiting - and there is a lot of that.

The thing that frustrates me is that the world is full of sex. Everywhere. Advertisements. Movies. Books. Comedy. Hell, Bratz and Barbie dolls - and comic books. It's everywhere.

And yet, people are still so afraid. Oh, what if someone knew? What if someone was offended? How could I POSSIBLY be okay with that?

Bullshit.

People go home and have dreams about sex. People watch movies and television just for the sexual innuendo. Porn is one of the biggest industries out there. Hustler and Playboy are popular for a reason, y'all.

What's so different about sex toys and lubricants? If you're single, it's a good way to get the positive benefits from orgasms. If you're in a relationship, you can spice things up or maybe help with breaking some boundaries - and sometimes, those boundaries need broken.

It feels good. Sex. Feels. Good. If it didn't feel good, I would understand - but if sex doesn't feel good for you, then there's probably a problem (and I'd recommend speaking to a doctor). If it does, though, why not enjoy it in every way possible?

If you like food, don't you strive to have the best, most delicious food? Why not have sex that's the best? Plenty of women can't orgasm without clitoral stimulation, and if you can do that while you're already having sex, it's a timesaver and makes the enjoyment more intense for both parties.

And lube - seriously, it's more healthy for everyone. Without it, if you're not lubricated enough by your natural lubrication, you'll have tearing and excess friction, and that's not good! It's like if you have dry skin or dry eyes, do you just keep rubbing it and scratching it, or do you put on moisturizer or put in eye drops?

But people are so afraid. They're so scared. Some people still think it's all immoral. I figure, the technology is there, and people are going to have sex anyway, so why not make it better?

And seriously, I've gone to parties with my sister, my mom, and even my grandmothers - if my 80 year old grandma can go to a party, then not be upset or judgmental about it later, why can't people in my own age group?

Being open about sexuality and enjoying sex and knowing your own body through self-love is healthy! It's good for you. It helps you understand yourself and what makes you happy and what makes you feel good.

Now if I could just convince everyone else of this, it'd make my life much easier - not just in selling Pure Romance, but in having happier, healthier relationships with everyone I know.

Precision Shopping - No Detours

2010-09-22T09:32:00.001-07:00

I have, to put it politely, a shopping problem. I love buying things. In general, I love things (I'll have to write more on that another time).

I like going through the store and touching things and trying things on and matching up clothes in outfits or putting together sets of dishes. I really enjoy it, and I do genuinely feel better after. I shop to make myself feel better, and that's not really a bad thing.

However, buying things I don't need or buying things that don't fulfill a specific want is a problem. I get distracted by things I wish I could want - or convince myself that I need something that isn't really a need. Or, I just go overboard.

It's a common problem (especially with people who have bipolar disorder). But, again, I REALLY love shopping and I REALLY love things, so I am trying to teach myself to shop responsibly.

A few lessons I've learned:

Do pick up and try on anything, and as many things, as I want.
Don't buy everything that fits.
Do PRE-shop. This is only possible with stores that have an online face, but that's most these days. I go online, look at what they have let myself take it all in, and shop around a little for specific items.*
Don't give into "it'll do"'s. Just because it's good enough doesn't mean that it's what I should get.
Do set a time limit. If I'm just me shopping for as long as I want, I still make a limit now. Go home, take care of the pets, pick up something, meet someone for lunch.
Don't last minute shop. If I have an event coming up, I have to plan as far in advance as I can. The key here is to make sure I pick something to wear that I won't feel like it's a hassle to wear the night of the event.
Do learn your sizing and color options. I look completely terrible in pastel pink. I don't fit in petites, anything below a generous size 12 or above a small 16. I cannot wear mediums or smalls. If I take something into the dressing room that I look at and I'm like "if I wiggle this way...", it's not the correct choice.
Don't buy one-wear items. Unless it's something for less than $10 (emergency nylons or something), don't do it. It's bad. It's expensive. It'll screw ya.
Do try on everything possible. Sometimes, try it on twice. If I go through and I'm not 100% sure, I try it on again, and if I'm still not sure, I can't buy it.
Don't forget accessories. Sometimes, standalone pieces are great. Other times, though, I need to buy basics. I love jewelry and such, but can't wear it when my shirt overpowers everything.
Do learn how to wash stuff better. I am still working on this one! I shrink things, the colors get washed or I stain things. It's awful. I also avoid dry cleaning like the plague.
Don't buy fabrics that easily wrinkle. I won't iron things. I should seriously stop thinking I will.

Any special shopping rules you have? I have had to really try hard to remind myself of these.

*This one is kind of new. I've started doing it so I don't get so overwhelmed by everything in stores, plus I can pinpoint what I want to try on and find the best prices for items that are very similar. I can also check reviews (for bad quality or strange sizing issues), and I've even started just putting things on future wishlists. It's nice!

Broken

2010-09-09T08:56:00.001-07:00

While TGW and I trudged back to the car after racing through the mall trying to retrieve my forgotten purse, he asked me "Are you broken?"

What a question!

(I said yes, btw.)

It's kind of funny in that I-banged-my-elbow kind of way. A twinge. A prick of the nerve. I am, for lack of a better term, kind of broken.

Mental health to be disregarded, I have a lot of issues physically. I've already had my gallbladder removed (before I turned 21). I have had quite a few (moderately severe) knocks to the head. My back is in shit shape even after a year of chiropractor visits and adjustments. My neck is worse. I'm recovering from that, though, I guess.

I talked to him on a drive home from my parents about how angry I am. I'm angry because I am 22 years old, and I can't do a lot of things I want to. On Saturday, we did a rock climbing wall - not anything difficult, honestly, or anything too strenuous, by normal people's standards. My body hurt for three days. It still kind of aches. Every time I participate in any moderately strenuous physical activity, I risk being unable to do anything for a couple days (or possibly having to keep doing things, but hurt like hell during the entire process).

I get hurt while I'm sleeping. What the fuck, amirite? I'm serious, though. I'll be lying in bed and get what some people might consider, at first, to be a charlie horse. But then, it keeps going. Over, and over again, until I'm literally shouting in pain. It wakes TGW. I cry a little. My leg will hurt for days after that. Sometimes, the next day, I can't walk right. It hurts to walk.

Let me say that again: It hurts to walk, because I get hurt while I'm sleeping. What. The everloving. Fuck.

This is, supposedly, result of my fibromyalgia. I don't know how this shit works, and I don't think anyone right now does. It's stupid. It is complicated and makes no sense. Lots of people have it and lots of people don't believe it exists.

You know what people tell me?

"It's all in your head."

Well, yes. It is. So is EVERYTHING ELSE. The brain and nervous system controls everything. That doesn't invalidate the pain I feel daily. It's not a mental disorder. It's definitely physical, and if you don't believe me, that's your problem.

Sometimes, it hurts so much that I am afraid to do things I love. You know, things like... run around my house to chase my pets. Walk up the steps to my third floor. Have sex. Ride a bike. Climb a tree. Wear high heels. Sleep.

I'm twenty-two years old.

I'm broken.

Ruler of all Coupledom

2010-09-07T09:04:00.000-07:00

TGW and I went to a marriage retreat this weekend. It was even an "advanced" marriage retreat. They did a lot of things I was somewhat afraid about, but learned so much about. Since it was focused on military families, I would imagine it is kind of different than what a typical marriage retreat would feature. I wanted to share some of the stuff that I felt while we did the activities.

The first night we had dinner and talking sessions and all that stuff. We got to meet other people and everything. Typical icebreaker stuff. Then, we went to the gymnasium and they filled the floor with a bunch of junk - pool noodles, balloons, frizbees, balls - basically a nightmare of trip hazards. And then, they picked some couples, and had them stand at one end, and one person was blindfolded. The seeing person had to guide the other person across without touching the blinded person, and instead just give them instructions quietly in their ear. It was pretty amazing to watch.

For the second part of it, we were one of the teams (we got tagged in by another couple). I agreed to be the blindfolded one, not knowing that they'd be changing the rules. But they did. They had TGW stand on the other side of the "minefield", and he had to shout directions to me. Worse, they had any of the couples not traveling across the field shout and move obstacles and pop balloons. I am not good with loud, startling noises, and I have a lot of trouble hearing through ambient noise, so it was very frightening for me. It took me a lot to get through, and sometimes I couldn't hear TGW at all, so I would have to stop, and really focus, and sometimes I had to walk on my own. When I finally reached him, the feeling of relief and comfort was overwhelming. One of the many times this weekend I cried.

Saturday, we played a version of dodgeball I'd be happy not to repeat. A person would stand in the center of a hula hoop, and their spouse would defend them from other people throwing dodgeballs (it was only one or two balls) - representing life's difficulties. Each spouse took turns being the defender and the defended. It was kind of scary, to be honest! After that, TGW and I were the only couples who got to do the second part, but it was very interesting for me. I stood in the center, and TGW wasn't allowed to defend me. Instead, he had to choose people from the group to represent people in our lives he trusted to protect me while he was gone.

He picked all but two of the people on the outside - meaning I was surrounded by people representing my parents, Michael and Tracey, my sister and brother and their spouses. It made my heart warm to realize that there would be people there for me to protect me from the scary things when he is not there.

I managed to avoid getting hit for a lot longer than I would have expected (although, both times I was hit, I got hit in the face - sad times.). When we were done, I asked the instructor to wait a minute, and I said, "Look, this time I'm surrounded by people protecting me, and that's great, but last time, I had only maybe 2 people." It made a big difference to me to see it represented like that.

We talked about how I don't feel a lot of trust in TGW's unit, particularly right now. It felt good to kind of get it out, and have people understand how terrifying it is to know that maybe not today or tomorrow, but sometime soon, he's going to be somewhere that is life-or-death, and I am going to have to rely on these people to protect him, and I can't trust them to do so. It's messed up.

We did a rock-climbing wall, which was super fun and super hard - but we managed to do both the medium difficulty wall the whole way and then did almost all of the slightly easier wall. I was very happy about that.

We had to do this trust exercise - it is confusing to explain - there was a 30 ft. cable about one foot off the ground, with another cable about 15 feet up parallel that had five ropes hanging down. You had to walk the cable, holding yourself up with the ropes. We had to work together to decide who would stand on the sides to help the walkers, who would go first and last, and how long or how many tries we had to do it. It was scary, but we both did pretty good, and no one in our group really fell! I was happy for that.

We talked for about an hour and a half that evening, just hanging out, and used some of the techniques we've learned at these to discuss some things that had me crying (again). We played mini golf and had dinner and played Mystery Case Files: Huntsville together on my touchscreen, and it was really nice. We also had sundaes. Tasty goodness, I tell you! (We also got to talk about sex and stuff that day, which is always my favorite part because it teaches you A LOT about each other and other people.)

Sunday, we had to sit down and talk about "tough stuff". TGW and I accidentally both wore our T-Rex shirts, which was kind of awesome, and when we looked at the list of discussion topics, we realized we'd already discussed all of them, at length. We were kind of at a loss of what to discuss, so we rehashed some stuff, and it was basically like "Yup, same as last time, I agree, yup." It was kind of awesome!

Overall, it was a good opportunity to spend a weekend with J. Wesley. We got to talk about a lot of things and it was nice to learn about some of the new things we did. I think more than anything, it solidified the "we are awesome" feeling for us, and that was fantastic.

War never ends; We always forget

2010-08-31T07:41:00.001-07:00

Support the troops, amirite?

*cheering*

The troops get a lot of crap. (Gosh, I hate the term "troops". They're soldiers. Can't we just say that?) The soldiers get a lot of crap. A couple of bad apples have made the public's view of the soldiers at war pretty negative (by "public" I primarily mean "of a more liberal view", because regardless of what they do, most conservatives are pretty hardcore for the soldiers). Don't get me wrong, some soldiers are dicks and I have trouble liking them as people, but I do always appreciate them basically taking the bullets for me (and my brother, and father.).

I saw a video where a soldier was laughing after shooting some combatants who had just fired on a group of soldiers. A soldier laughing in exhilaration after killing the people who shot or are shooting at his fellow soldiers is not evil. It's an irrational reaction, but it's not completely impossible to imagine that feeling. The soldier stopped the bad guy. He saved someone. He was called evil, disgusting. I don't know his mind, but I can see how it could have happened.

I keep on hearing about supporting the troops. I think that most people who say it don't really. I'm as happy to see wars end as anyone, but the reality is that war never ends. Ever.

I have heard a lot of people I know speaking recently about how Obama has ended the war in Iraq, ended the combat mission in Iraq, whatever. One thing that strikes me is that this timeline of the reduction in troops was not Obama's timeline. This was the timeline set in place by General Petraeus before Obama was in office. The person people should be cheering is Petraeus. That man is a hardcore, awesome dude. He is one of the few people in the world I truly respect.

Another thing: Ending the "combat mission" does not mean all of the soldiers are coming home. They're still there (whether they're involved in "combat" or not) - training Iraqi soldiers, rebuilding homes and supporting the other soldiers there - whether they're administrative, public affairs, mechanics, or just security forces. They are still in danger, because even if U.S. soldiers aren't attacking anyone, you can bet your sweet ass they're going to get attacked, and so will anyone else who gets in the way of those with violence in their minds and hearts.

Another: Those soldiers coming home may not be coming home to the sweetest welcome. Not only is there still a lot of negativity towards soldiers (Westboro Baptist Church still harasses soldiers' families at their funerals, Code Pink still labels Marines babykillers, and that isn't even mentioning the individuals who spout their vile, acid-coated bullshit at soldiers or about them), but many soldiers will come home with no job, broken relationships, and damage that is not just physical. Some soldiers will be (or have been already) ridiculed for suffering emotional and mental damage from the trauma they experienced.

War doesn't end.

Military bases don't close because "war is over". Soldiers can be deployed to places still dangerous even though we're not "at war", and they're never mentioned on the news. There are plenty of soldiers still in Japan, South Korea, Russia, and not to forget all of the soldiers still in Afghanistan - you know, that other war, the one they only report on when people get killed in spectacular ways?

This kind of war has no victory. We cannot "win" in Afghanistan. We cannot win any war if we can't leave the country behind. We cannot win a war when our own countrymen only care enough about soldiers to pull out the "all of these soldiers are dying!" to blame Bush/Cheney/DOD/Obama or whoever about how evil war is and how we should just "get out". Hell yes, we should get out, but it's not that simple.

I'd love to see a world without war, but that world will never exist. The most we can do is acknowledge the war while it's happening - and realize that we're pretending some wars have ended that may never end. We forget the wars when they're not on television. We forget them when no politician is speaking about them (in favor or against). We forget them when we're not looking at yellow ribbons, pretending that some stupid magnet on our cars actually matters. We forget them until we see a flag on a coffin, and then forget as soon as it's folded.

It is easier to forget than to remember that these men and women are the ones in line of fire. Instead of us. Instead of our families and friends. Their families suffer. They see their fellows die. They have to come home and remember seeing people, real people, dismembered or dead or dying, sometimes from their own hands. It is never easy for them, regardless of what the media and lying politicians will say.

I don't intend to forget ever again.

Blocked

2010-08-24T10:06:00.001-07:00

I keep starting blog posts then deleting them, over and over. I can't quite put down what I want to say.

I'm waiting on a lot of things right now. I hate waiting. I am not patient. I like to know the answers to my questions, no waffling, and I like to know them as soon as I ask, or before I have to ask.

Waiting is stupid.

We are in a society of immediacy. There should be no wait-and-see. We have the technology to send incredible amounts of detailed information across the world within seconds. I can communicate with people in Tokyo via e-mail and manage to complete tasks without any interruption. I can video chat with people in Australia.

Why is it so hard to make simple decisions?

Why is bureaucracy so cumbersome?

I hate seeing easy choices get delayed. Even in my business classes, when they give us business problems that need solutions, they sound so complicated when in fact, they are just simple decisions.

It all comes down to one answer: Do what is right.

How freakin' hard is that? Why is it so hard to determine what is right? There are morally objective responses to so many questions. There are very few questions complex enough, these days, to have to discuss for longer than a day with a sleep-on-it period. No answer should be delayed longer than a week except those complex questions.

I should not have to wait a month for the answer to a yes or no question. Maybe is not acceptable most of the time.

If you're dealing with something moderately complex - issues of heavy morality, life and death, those sort of things - there are a few things to do to simplify the problem.

Use historical basis. Has someone answered this problem before? Did their answer work? How did they come to their conclusions?
Use logic. It's easier than it sounds. There is an equal and opposite reaction to every action, right? People's reactions can be just as simple as physics. If you push, then they'll move or push back. It's not that complicated.
Research. A quick review of the facts can give you a much more clear idea of what problem you're actually facing. What might seem like a difficult personnel decision - don't hurt people's feelings, don't risk changing, etc. - could be simplified to picking the most qualified person with the most compatible personality. Ignore the emo crap that comes with people being refused or passed over. It sucks, but if you explain why - and explain honestly, none of the hedgy bullshit - they'll be able to accept it and move forward.
Move forward. You have to have a plan for after the solution is implemented. You have to be strong enough to deal with the fallout of any decision, whether you make the right one or the wrong one. Accept the bad with the good. That is the responsibility of anyone giving an answer.
Go with your gut. It might seem like the right answer, but if you go over the answer in your head and it just doesn't feel right, don't be afraid to re-evaluate and judge based on how you feel. Just trace the feelings back to the facts, that's all.

Answer questions. Answer them promptly and honestly. Trust yourself, or no one else will.

One Half

2010-08-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

J. Wesley may be returning to Iraq soon. If not this year, then next year (next year, it could be Afghanistan).

We were talking about him deploying the other day and we realized that a large part of the reason that we're both worried about it is because we're so close and spend enough time together that we're practically the same person. We were a lot alike even before we got married, and now we're like, identical. We have very few interests that we don't share. We like most of the same music, movies, food, activities, we agree on philosophy almost all of the time, we're in the same political spectrum, it's ridiculous. Our handwriting is similar. We use the same modes of speech. It's kind of creepy. We can literally finish each other's sentences, but don't most of the time because we know that it bugs the other. We say things at the same time a lot. We have the same ideas. If I think of something that I want to see drawn, he can draw it exactly as I'm thinking it, even if I don't fully describe it.
It would be like having half of myself be gone. Even when he left the first time (he started going back and forth to training within the first month after we got married in '06), it was very hard, because we spent so much time together before he left. Even when he was in Basic, I wrote every single day that I could (which was basically every day). I wrote to him like I would write in a journal. I tell him, and told him, everything.

He knows EVERYTHING about me. I wouldn't ever say I know everything about him - TGW is a very private person and he's very complex (I don't think I'm too complex). I would say I probably know more about him than anyone else does. When he is away, I lose the opportunity to know what he is doing and what he is dealing with, sometimes because he's not allowed to tell me. That sucks. It's rough.

We survived the last deployment (we did pretty well for newlyweds, I think), and I am definitely more emotionally prepared this time - it's never possible to be totally ready, though - and I'm now dealing with things in much healthier ways. But he's still a huge part of me.
I know we will make it through it. There is nothing that would stop us from it, and the weird thing is, part of me wants him to go. It's a lot of good stuff - the money, the experience, the things he gets to do, the educational benefits - even though he'd be away. And hell, I'll miss him. Constantly. There is not a moment of the day when we are apart, even now, that I don't want to be with him. We've even talked about him reenlisting. It's a tough decision because there are positives and negatives. I want him to, even though I don't want him to. How frustrating!

I guess I'm just trying to think it through. Be as ready as I can. But man... it's a long time without myself.

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” ~ George MacDonald, poet, author, minister

2010-08-13T08:51:00.001-07:00

There has been, to be blunt, a shitload of talk about trust in my circle of ... whatever you call 'ems. In Facebook I call them "People That I Know". Here, I'll just call 'em dinosaurs.

First, I'm just going to say, how the crap did I never know who George MacDonald was? I've heard this quote so many times and never knew who said it. He sounds like a very insightful, inspiring man. I'll have to look into his work.

So, a lot of the dinosaurs have been chatting about all varieties of trust lately, and it's not even a new occurrence, it's just that I only now noticed how often the topic comes up. Trust between friends. Lovers. Neighbors. Authority and subordinates. It's incredibly interesting.

Trust is a valuable thing.

It's not an all or nothing thing, though. You can trust someone enough to talk about some stuff, to tell them things that you feel and think. You don't have to tell them your whole damn life story, or how sometimes you think about naked ladies having swordfights. What? I'm sure it's a fetish... of someone's. RULE 34.

Anyway.

Sometimes I think people are too unwilling to trust. They've been burned in the past. The problem is, if you never trust anyone, it leaves you even more open to being burnt. You don't believe me?

Everyone has to have someone to confide in or feel comfortable with or feel free with. That's trust. And if you don't have that, and hold back from having it, for too long it will come back to bite you. Either people will think you're cold and uncaring and pull away, or you'll finally give in and trust someone, and it could be the wrong person to trust.

Been there, did that. I changed my way of thinking.

There's a way to trust just enough. Obviously, there will be people in your life you can trust fully and without reservation, but I doubt there are many that you'd want to. You can trust some people enough to feel free to share your opinions with them (even the weird ones). You can trust someone enough to let them come into your house and take care of your pets while you're on vacation, but you might not want to let them know that you seriously love unicorns. Because that's creepy. S'all I'm sayin'.

I try to trust people just enough. I think maybe, I fully trust a couple of people. I might trust people more than other people would. However, what it does - trusting people - is let me have them trust me, too. They see that I trust them, and I'll be honest and open, with few reservations, and it makes them think, "hey, maybe I can trust her too". That's awesome.

And yeah, it could be violated. They could use my (often already exposed on the internet or to anyone it would be important to) secrets to embarrass or ridicule me. Whatevs. It'll hurt for a while. It might make it harder to build up new relationships. But the thing is, all they've done is lose something valuable.

Me.

When someone breaks your trust, stop thinking of it as losing someone to trust. Start thinking of it as their losing you. If you are a strong person (and a lot of people are), you can go on and find someone else to share your trust with. It might even be better!

It reveals something when someone betrays your trust. Even if you're fighting with someone, the moment they take that fight and show other people (excluding significant others, because seriously, they're literally half of your whole as a human) evidence to tarnish your name, they aren't worth it anymore. Fuck 'em. They don't deserve to be a part of your world anymore, and they're really the only one losing anything - when they betray your trust, it should show you that they're something that you never had anyway.

It sounds fatalistic, maybe, or bitter, but I'm not bitter about the friendships I've "lost" anymore. The people on the other side of the equations might be, but honestly, I don't think I really care. It takes a lot for me to end friendships completely. Repeated violations of moral principles. Betrayal. Lies. Those are big things. But, if someone does those things - especially all of them together - they're it. They're over.

But if they don't... they get what I am able to give. My trust. My friendship. My give-a-shit. If they need something and I can give it, I will. If they are hurt and I can help, I'm there.

I know a lot of people have been hurt, and it's hard to get over it - and sometimes, when I'm in the dumps, it gets me too. But I keep moving forward. Leave that bullshit behind. They should be nothing anymore, and truly, those people are gone from me, and they had better be willing to actually apologise - and change - if they want to get me back.

But they won't, and I know it.

Follow up

2010-08-10T11:14:00.000-07:00

Part 2!

To follow up on the first post. Before you read this one, read this one. Digest it. Comment if you want. Be judgy if you prefer. But let your thoughts go. Know where your boundaries lie in friendship. Know what you want when it comes to a friend.

Now sit back and think about it:

Who are your friends? I asked it once before, and I ask it again. This time, not your best friend, not the one you share everything with, but the people who you want to keep close.

Who are the people you truly enjoy spending time with? The kind of people who you can call any time and just hang out - talk or play games or watch movies or have dinner, and when you're done, you don't feel like it was a trial. You don't feel emotionally drained or hurt or left out. You don't feel like all the effort was yours, but don't feel like you just took advantage, either. You feel like, "wow, that was a pretty good time!" instead of "that was okay." after you part ways.

The people that you call to hang out sometimes three times a week just because you're both free, and Fern Gully won't watch itself. These are the people who can laugh at themselves and laugh at each other without it seeming cruel or judgmental. If a problem happens, you fix it, because you're friends, and that's what friends do. You can talk serious stuff, but you don't have to, and when you're sad, you don't want counseling, you just want to get your mind off things, and they're good for that.

These aren't the people who know all of your secrets.

These aren't the people who tell you all of their secrets.

Sometimes they're busy, or sometimes you're unavailable.

But they like you, and you like them, and you have fun together.

The expectations are clear:

Communicate.

Be reliable.

Relax.

Have fun.

Is that too much?

Stand By Me

2010-08-10T10:49:00.001-07:00

Do you know who your friends are?

Let me clarify:

Do you know who the people you can trust and rely on, and who trust and rely on you, who will be there when you need them and even when you don't need them, who you can call when you are sad or happy and in either situation, they'll be there?

Do you know who your best friends are?

The only true friends are best friends. A best friend is a person who you can tell secrets without being afraid that someday, they'll use them against you. A best friend is a person who tells you the truth, even if you don't want to hear it. A best friend is a person who can tell you secrets, who trusts you enough to tell you what they think and feel.

A friend is someone who doesn't override your company for other people. They include you in invitations to get together - they don't exclude you because you're not some part of a clique. They don't exclude you because one of their other friends doesn't like you - they'll ask you if you would want to come and warn you that the other person is there, and allow you to make the call.

Everyone has a different idea of what a best friend is. I don't know if anyone has ever, or will ever, consider me their best friend. The problem is, "best friend"ship is a two-way thing. If one person doesn't consider the other person their best friend, then it's not a best friendship. I may trust someone wholeheartedly and want to be there for them all the time, but if they don't consider me a good enough friend to trust and be there for or to be there for them, then I am not their best friend, and they can't be mine.

I'm beginning to wonder if best friends really exist outside of movies. TGW is my best friend, but he's also my husband, which I'm guessing makes it not count in most peoples' books.

How do you define "best friend"? What about "friend"? Or is everyone just kind of there, floating in a sea of "acquaintance"?

Vows

2010-08-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

When J. Wesley and I got married over four years ago, we had a lot of rough roads ahead of us with his deployment and the following struggles with unemployment, career planning, college, and my health. Over the past couple years, we eventually migrated our anniversary celebration from March 3 to August 20. We did this for financial reasons, really - we have birthdays and holidays all in one bunch through February and March, so it got too expensive. August 20 is approximately when we met in 2003.

So, it's only fitting that today I was thinking of our wedding vows, while trying to plan our celebration for our anniversary (probably going to be kinda cheap this year). I like to share what I'm thinking about, so below are the vows that he and I wrote for our wedding. I hope you enjoy them.

TGW's Vows:

I will work with you with you to make your dreams come true.

I will always be there for you, no matter how far away I am.

I will protect you with all my strength.

I will never give up on you.

I will be true to you, no matter what happens.

I will ask forgiveness when I wrong you, and forgive you when you wrong me.

I will always Love you.

Brie's Vows:

I will keep you steadfast in the face of any weather.

I will be faithful to you as your wife, confidante, and friend.

I will strive to be close to you emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I will comfort you when you are sad, and rejoice with you when you are happy.

I will challenge you.

I will work with you to achieve your dreams.

I will love you deeply and truly, as I have, forever, through death and all things.

I think they're still true, and I think that we've done a pretty good job keeping to them. These mean the most to me of anything I've ever said.

New Logo! On Personal Branding.

2010-08-04T10:31:00.001-07:00

My awesome husband over at Thrice-A-Week has produced a personal brand logo for me, which you can now see at the top of my blog. Isn't it wonderful?

The feeling of this logo being constantly in motion - bouncing over my thoughts - the infinity symbols (or eights?) in the triangle (a symbol of power) bound together but still free to move is just very much, in my mind, what I was looking for. He captured it perfectly. I was very excited when I saw the completed product, and I am looking forward to soon putting these on my personal business card.

Why have a personal business card?

Contrary to what many corporate personalities I've seen can do, and following the advice of career blogs worldwide, everyone should have a personal brand. What do you do? Are you an artist? An engineer? An expert in change management?

It's great to have a company business card - you do (in corporations), after all, often work for major corporations and work directly with customers. You want them to see your name and see your company and recognize you as a contact in that company. That's all well and good.

There's more to it, though. What if you leave that company? Will you carry on your old business cards until you move to a new position or change professions? What if you do something other than your current profession or occupation? What if you do freelance work or sell Avon?

On top of that, if you do want to always have people ringing you up for help (pro-bono or otherwise) and you want to be a point of contact, you need to be memorable. Being a point of contact is fantastic. You want to be seen as knowledgeable in the area you focus on. You want to be an expert. The person who gets shit done. That's what I aim for, and I think everyone should.

When someone has a problem that I might be able to fix - or I might know how to find out how to fix it - I want them to call me. Why? Because it makes me a point of contact. It makes me the person they rely on to help them. It makes me happy to help. As an admin, my entire job is finding out how to help and how to fix problems. I get shit done. It's what I do. And now, I'm making it my life priority, not just my corporate priority.

I do more than just type and make copies. I think of new ways to do things. I can't always implement them, but I hope to someday. I want to be a driving force for change in the world someday. I can't promise it will work out, but I'll sure as hell try, in my own way. I might not always be where I am working now, and I need to know that I can go from there. I even made up a slogan:

"Support through unboxed thinking."*

That's what I want people to think when they think of me. I help. I do things. I get it done as quickly as I can, with the best results I can, and not necessarily in a conformed way. I try to innovate. I try to break boundaries. That is who I want to be and what I want to do, and I want people to know that.

And that's it. That's what you want to do. You want people to see something and think of you. You want people to think of you, and know what you do. Personal branding is exactly that - you, and what you do, and how you do it. How awesome is that? With just a small thing, you can be your own business. It's freaking sweet.

So that is what I am doing with this logo. This slogan. This identity - "Thoughty." - this is me. I want to know - do you have a personal brand? Who are you?